No intimacy for 11 years

[ironpot]

We've been married for 25 years, and for the last 11, have been sexless. I don't mean "less than 10 times a year", I mean nothing for 11 years. I accepted that when my wife had her menopause that it would diminish for a while, but it's never restarted, in spite of me trying to woo her. When I try to talk to her about it, I'm told that if I want sex, to use a prostitute, and if I want emotional involvement, I should use someone else. I can't afford counselling, and don't know which way to turn.

I've tried talking with her, but all I get is "You want to talk about sex again?" when I haven't even mentioned the word. I'm missing the hugs, the light kisses - all the things that make me warm right through.

I can't and wouldn't use a prostitute - I can't get excited when there's no emotional connection.

I'm really really grateful for the amount of support most of you have given me. It's made me feel less isolated, less cast-off. Thank you for your comments so far!

And Yes, I'm going to make 2018 the year I change things....

I have one adult daughter still at home. I felt quite insulted and cheapened when I was told to use a prostitute - as you say, it's as though she thinks I can't get emotional warmth elsewhere...

I am sorry. I barely survived 15 years of no sex and my ex husband refused to even discuss it. We divorced but remain very good friends.

People who are asexual (for whatever reason) often have no understanding of how important sexual intimacy is to us. I have even read a post on here by a MNer who asked if the person ‘was an animal who couldn’t control their desires.’ I actually thought God help their partner!

Struggling to see why you're staying tbh.

(I think the suggestion you should use prostitutes is horrible, not only for you but women as a class.)

I can't understand why you're staying in an affectionless relationship, and would recommend you leave and make a new life. If you want to stay regardless, perhaps agree an open relationship and find a girlfriend. But really - divorce.

So when you are 100 years old do you want to look back and say 'I wish I had been brave and done something about x and made some changes in my life'. You only have one life, I would suggest you do the things that make you happy. However, I would separate from your wife first.

Well, I've started the ball rolling - I think it's long overdue, but I wanted to give her the chance to see what she is doing. As has been said - Life is short, and it's NOT a rehearsal - this is my one performance. I just wish I'd had the nerve to do it earlier...

Well done. Takes courage.

Thank you. I'd always been worried about upsetting anyone, but I need a Life that makes me feel warm ands fuzzy for a change!

What steps have you taken?

Well done.

A proper conversation is needed. She needs a chance to be open and honest with you. Telling her that this isn't the life you want anymore may prompt her to actually discuss her issue (if she has one) beyond not been interested in being sex.