Looking for experiences of living with a moody husband

[Magicmonster]

My husband is increasingly moody and negative. He has a superiority complex, and he is always right and everyone else is ‘incompetent’, including (often) me. He has always been this way to an extent, but it has definitely got worse over the 8 years we have been married. We now have two small children, including a baby, so I appreciate part of it probably stems from tiredness and the fact we have very little down time. However, it does not in my opinion excuse his constant criticism and negativity, much of which revolves around me ‘never doing anything properly’ (eg not emptying dishwasher in the same way he would do it, not folding towels correctly!) and not being tidy enough. I think these criticisms are unwarranted and are pretty minor issues to get so worked up about, but even if they were not, his approach to ‘dealing’ with them is creating a very negative atmosphere. He will often walk round the house huffing and puffing and tutting and muttering how I never do anything properly. If I try to talk to him about why I haven’t done something or other or question his methods he will often accuse me of shouting at him or say it’s not worth talking to me if I am going to be ‘like that’. He’s not always like this, but it’s getting more and more frequent. Lately he has also started occasionally swearing at me or telling me I’m stupid or to shut up in front of the kids, which I think is completely unacceptable. I have suggested counselling but he thinks we don’t need to go. Truthfully speaking, if we didn’t have kids I would be gone. The constant talking down to me and zapping all positivity is whittling away any respect I had for him. But we do have kids and I have seen the issues that divorce caused amongst my friends when I was young, so I don’t want to give up on the marriage unless I absolutely have to. I also know however that it’s not good for kids to grow up seeing him speak to me like that and thinking that’s how you speak to other people. Ideally therefore I don’t want to leave but want to get him to change - not a complete personality transplant as I know that’s impossible - just enough to show me some respect. I have tried talking to him about it and he always says ‘well if you weren’t so messy, etc’. I explain that even if I was messy it doesn’t excuse speaking to me like that, esp in front of the kids. He rarely ever admits he’s wrong but will sometimes improve for a day or two. And then back to his old ways. So what I am looking for is any experiences others have had, positive or negative, of trying to stay with a man like this. Or of living with a father like this, as I am keen to see things from my kids standpoint too. Thanks!

My father is like this. He and my mother have been married for more than 50 years and have got to a point where they can't stand each other but can't imagine life apart either. They abuse each other. They have both had serious illnesses in the past few years and rather than looking after one another they are absolutely horrible to one another and to the professionals looking after them. They have small, nasty, bitter lives and seem much older and frailer than their years.

I'm pretty sure I've never married because this was what I knew growing up. I'd rather be alone forever than in a situation like this. It's got worse and worse the older they've got. I wish they'd split up young and had a chance at happiness.

I do generally try to do things the way he likes and sometimes be careful how I phrase things as I like an easy life and live in hope that if I do x y z he may actually be happy, but I’m not walking around in fear of him or anything".

This is a classic response to abuse. You don't have to live like this you know. It's hard to leave but it's much much better than living like you are being forced to.

It sounds like my father. It really did have a terrible effect on me and still does - and I'm in my 60s. He will start on the children and completely destroy their self esteem, self confidence and sense of self. Don't put up with it or change your behaviour - it is abuse, plain and simple.