DH and I are separated but nobody knows

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Well, almost nobody.

DH and I grew apart after the birth of DS2. Things drifted on for a while but for the last 18 months or so we have both acknowledged and agreed that the relationship is over. Neither of us have any wish to try to reconcile, there's nothing left there.

We are continuing to live in the same house, mostly for the purpose of bringing up our two kids (age 11 and 8) but also for financial reasons. We are in separate rooms and have separate lives, other than the things we do together with the kids. There's a fair bit of bickering but we're not in outright conflict.

Trouble is - almost nobody knows and the strain of pretending to the outside world is wearing me out. His family know, and he has a few friends he's told. I have one friend I've spoken to, who I only see every few months. My own family don't know and neither do all the school mums who mostly make up my current set of friends. DC know we are in separate bedrooms but we've said nothing else.

I'm tired of making out things are ok, I'm tired of making excuses why we never do date nights, of visiting my parents and knowing that they know something's wrong but avoiding saying anything. But on the other hand - we're still living in the same house, and we're not going to actually split up, so I don't know how I could tell school mum-type friends without it being incredibly awkward - and do they actually need to know our bedroom arrangements anyway?

It feels like things are in limbo and that I'm being dishonest but I don't know how to move things on. Would love to hear any thoughts from objective mumsnet outsiders.

Sorry to hear of your situation. I think you could start by just widening the number of people who know, such as a few family members or friends you can trust not to gossip. They will probably want to be supportive and understanding. If they ask too many questions you can say you're not comfortable giving that amount of detail. You don't have to make an announcement to the world, but it sounds like you're ready to tell a few more people.

Hi OP, this sounds really tough.
If this is a semi-permanent arrangement, I think you and your ex need to agree on something to say together. Having this secret is putting a barrier between you and others and leaving you feeling isolated.

Don't feel you need to apologise for your living arrangements. Tell people that you are bringing up your children together not no longer in a relationship, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Every family is different and if this is what is best for yours then own it and dont feel you owe further explanations.

It must also be confusing for your kids when you are living one way at home and people are treating you another way outside of the home.

My first thought is that if you are living together, parenting together, bickering together and acting like a couple to everyone: you aren't separated. You can't be, you are in no way separate. You're just a married couple who don't have sex.

Do your kids even know?

I think perhaps you need to start making it more formal. Can you get a separation agreement drawn up, so if you do decide to divorce, it can be done on the grounds of being separated for two years rather than unreasonable behaviour?

How will your children react when you tell them?

Have you discussed what will happen when either of you meet somebody else?

Yes that's it - it feels like a barrier. I can't be honest about my life even with my own parents.

I feel it would be excruciating to say anything though - how do you even start that conversation?

We also have one couple friend who we spend a lot of time with / go on holiday with, I'm worried that would be the end of the friendship which would make me very sad.

MsVestibule no we've not discussed that. We struggle to talk at all, we are thinking of getting a mediator in the new year but I'm not very hopeful about how it will go.

As far as the kids are concerned they are in a normal nuclear family except that their parents have separate bedrooms. They know we don't get on with each other and occasionally make some kind of comment about it but it's not really discussed. Which, now I write it, I know could be storing up problems for the future.

Sweetie, you have split up. Sharing a house and co parenting doesn't change that, you're seperated. At some point one of you, possibly him as he is more open, will meet someone else or start dating.

I think you need to tell people. Your family for one. This is not just "bedroom arrangements". Just explain you have seperated but will continue to co parent and share a house for the foreseeable future. I don't think you should tell the school mums, because these are not normally real friends, they are usually just temporary till the kids move on.

Before you tell any school mums, or friends, you need to tell your chldren. They will already know and you shouldn't be lying to them like this.

Bluntness yes we have split up and I am not in denial about it, in fact I am massively relieved. But I don't know how to deal with it with my kids or the outside world given it's not a clean break i.e. he's not moving out.

I think it will be really hard in your position to explain the situation to people if you're living in the same house. I agree with the poster who says you are a married couple who no longer have an intimate relationship. And that's your business. No need to explain to anybody.

It's not hard to explain, becayse we have friends who share a house and co parent but are split up. One of them is now seriously seeing someone else. People split up all the time. They also continue to live together for financial or parenting reasons for a period after, but this does normally have a shelf life.

There is a big difference between a celibate but happily married couple and a couple who have split up and the op is clear on which she is. The biggest difference is feelings towards one another.

Split up in what way though. There is nothing to explain to anyone. It's a private arrangement between two people. Why should others need to know. Genuinely not understanding. Would teachers and school be informed? There is no need to explain anything to anybody.

we have friends who share a house and co parent but are split up. One of them is now seriously seeing someone else. People split up all the time

If your kids think you're a nuclear family, you aren't split uo.

My husband refuses to leave until a court orders it or i pay him £55k more than i intend to pay him to buy him out of the house. We live separate lives in the same house and i did not announce anything until I discovered that school and neighbourhood friends thought we were back together because he moved out then back in. The stress of sharing a house with someone who hates you and actively sabotages your parenting is immense. He gaslights, he makes snide remarks when the children are out of the room, and it is hard to have clear boundaries for the children when he plays crazy games just before bedtime.

Please think about separate homes not just separate rooms, before it deteriorates beyond discussions.

I don’t see why you can’t tell your family and your school mum friends. Just explain that for financial reasons he hasn’t moved out yet. I know a couple who did this and were honest about it.

I do think it would be better to find a way to split up properly though.

The problem is with family (close family i.e. mum and dad) and friends. I have to be so evasive or downright lie on certain subjects. Eg friends talking about how often they go out with husbands for date nights, what did DH get you for your birthday, what are you doing for your 15th anniversary next year etc. And my parents no doubt wondering why our relationship seems so distant but not wanting to intrude. And wanting to go away with my parents without DH but being able to say the real reason why rather than just pretending he is working.

I'm confused about the right thing to do but I know it doesn't feel right now.

OP- I’m sorry you’re in this situation, although glad to hear you’re generally pleased with how things are and have no regrets.
I’ve no real advice I’m afraid but I think I’m entering the same territory as you (as of today) and have no idea how we’re going to make arrangements work but we do want to. To minimise damage/disruption to us all. Have your DCs not asked at all why you and their DF aren’t sharing a room anymore? My DCs are younger (infant school) but I think they’ll ask lots of difficult questions if we go separate-rooms.
And then I think: well we can continue to share a room as it’s not like we’ve had a physical r’ship for so long anyway, so there’s no real change. But then does this still count as ‘separated’? And how ‘official’ should/could it be under those circs, if absolutely nothing has changed??

You need to tell the DC that you are separated and your parents. When friends say "how are you celebrating" the reply is "actually we've separated"

I would actually start divorce proceedings it doesn't mean either of you move out but you need to move forward somehow.

You are probably going to get a lot of judgement but I think that what you are doing is great. You don't have to be lovers to have a domestic partnership and your children don't have to miss out on having both parents at home because you aren't into each other any more. You are setting an excellent example to your children by putting their wellbeing first. However I do think that by concealing it you are undermining your own example. You are still married, you are parents together, you are partners domestically but romantically you are separated. I think that the two of you need to sit down together and come to a very clear understanding. Are the two of you calling quits on sex/love altogether? Are you going to seek romantic fulfilment outside of the marriage (if so on what terms)? When are you going split up (when the children leave home for a common example)? If you want this to work well and last long term you need to come to an agreement on exactly what your relationship is now and how you are going to satisfy needs that can't be satisfied within your relationship. Many people do this-they call it staying together for the children. But they aren't truly together but they don't know where they stand either. This often causes a lot of argument and misery as well as self sacrifice that may be unnecessary. There are some people of this thread patronising youvyt I commend you. If I were ever in a similar position I would do the same (provided that my husband was as cooperative as yours).

I think I'm realising that although I'm not in denial about the relationship ending I am in denial about the situation I'm in and whether it's actually compatible with a happy life. It helps so much to be honest here when I have hardly any outlet in RL (most of DH's friends don't know me so it is easier for him, but mine are mostly via school so it's trickier). I'm exhausted now so going to sleep but it really does help to hear what people think, I'm still confused, maybe not surprising given different views here.

Personally speaking I think telling the DC's in your situation will be really confusing for them and they will get lots of difficult questions from friends and classmates. I don't see the point of telling them while you don't have any plans to live in separate houses. I think once the decision is made to separate you really have to move towards separate accommodation IMHO

I think it would be awful if one started dating and both still living in the same house. That's my opinion though. And everyone must do what's best for them.

Dear OP, sending you good thoughts! Nobody needs to know the details of your sleeping arrangements. If the marriage is over then it’s over, to me i sounds like you have a good chance of remaining in a healthy friendly relationship with your DH and parenting your kids very well. Don’t worry about the family they will be ok when they see how much happier you both are.

This sounds oddly just like another situation I know of - but I know of it only because the husband has started a relationship with a friend of mine while his wife doesn’t know but apparently they are separated but living together and none of the family know.

Op I am in a similar position. I have now left it so long to tell some people I don't know how I can. Pm if you ever need xx

Op I am in a similar position. I have now left it so long to tell some people I don't know how I can. Pm if you ever need xx

Just back from Christmas at my family which has made me think a lot about this. DH was with me and kids, I'm quite sure my parents know what's going on and the pretence just seems ridiculous.

I think I want to make next year the year when we can get things clearer. I've no emotional connection left with him and he has none to me. We're clashing around parenting the kids and bickering a lot, which is probably partly because things are unresolved and in limbo.

However he's not moving out - for now at least. So I don't want to make big announcement but do want to find a way to speak to the people who are genuinely close to me.