DH and I are separated but nobody knows

[bibblebobblebubble]

Well, almost nobody.

DH and I grew apart after the birth of DS2. Things drifted on for a while but for the last 18 months or so we have both acknowledged and agreed that the relationship is over. Neither of us have any wish to try to reconcile, there's nothing left there.

We are continuing to live in the same house, mostly for the purpose of bringing up our two kids (age 11 and 8) but also for financial reasons. We are in separate rooms and have separate lives, other than the things we do together with the kids. There's a fair bit of bickering but we're not in outright conflict.

Trouble is - almost nobody knows and the strain of pretending to the outside world is wearing me out. His family know, and he has a few friends he's told. I have one friend I've spoken to, who I only see every few months. My own family don't know and neither do all the school mums who mostly make up my current set of friends. DC know we are in separate bedrooms but we've said nothing else.

I'm tired of making out things are ok, I'm tired of making excuses why we never do date nights, of visiting my parents and knowing that they know something's wrong but avoiding saying anything. But on the other hand - we're still living in the same house, and we're not going to actually split up, so I don't know how I could tell school mum-type friends without it being incredibly awkward - and do they actually need to know our bedroom arrangements anyway?

It feels like things are in limbo and that I'm being dishonest but I don't know how to move things on. Would love to hear any thoughts from objective mumsnet outsiders.

To close family you could just say the marriage is over and we intend to separate but it will take a while to sort out the practicalities. And they'll draw their own conclusions. As that's quite straightforward IMHO.

You obviously need to talk to the kids first and before that decide what this arrangement is. Are you getting divorced but just living together until you can sort it out or are you planning to do this long term? If you Google birds nest parenting, you will find lots of stories of people who have done this and maybe having a label for it will make it easier to explain?

Whatever you do, I think this needs to be arrangement you actively choose rather than something you have drifted into. Work out what you want and talk to your ex about it.

Don't focus on what other people will think. Ultimately, you need to have an arrangement which works for your family and not for others. Once the kids know, you can start telling individual friends and the information will soon get round. "The marriage isn't working so we are birds nest parenting until we work out the best arrangement " leaves others to find out what that is and shows you have made a considered choice.

From what i have read/ friend's experiences, it is rarely a long term solution