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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't want another baby

37 replies

Whatyouneedtoknow · 21/12/2017 16:20

Agreed with partner of almost 8 years at the start of this year that we would try for another baby by the end of the year.

I came off my anti depressants in June as recommended by GP while ttc. Thought that would give me 6months to adjust and get ready. In these 6months i have been to hell and back and struggled beyond belief not being on my tablets.

Stopped my pill, this is my first week off it.
Partner told me last night when i mentioned it that he no longer wants to have another baby...EVER, he has felt that way for a while but didnt want to tell me.
I said well im not going back on my pill.
He said well we just wont have sex then.

This was last night and we had sex this morning, initiated by HIM knowing fine well im not on anything. Which has just wrecked my head!

I then mesaaged him while i was out today and said are you still feeling the same as last night about everything. He said 'pretty much'

I am totally destroyed by this. Dont know whether to just remain off my pill, but what kind of situation is that.

Im 31, hes 35. We have one dd 3 and he has ds from previous relationship who is 14.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 21/12/2017 16:27

Well for a start - you also chose to have sex without contraception this morning, when you know he doesn't want another child. So MAP would be a good idea.

And although I understand your heat of the moment anger, your refusal to go back on the pill* was as childish as his retort about not having sex.

*of course it's fair to refuse to carry the contraceptive load, but it sounds like you're happy with the pill, it was just an angry threat.

He really should have handled this better, I'm really sorry you've had this on top of a bad 6 months. But if he's been unsure, and knew you wanted to, I can see why he might have dithered until crunch time. If he knew for sure 6 months ago, he's an arsehole. If the feelings have been developing, it could be it was you bringing it up that suddenly made him have to say it.

What is your relationship like generally?

Where I went from here would depend on that, for me.

Hope you can talk to each other Flowers

HipNewName · 21/12/2017 17:19

He watched you suffer going off anti- depressants for 6 months without mentioning that he doesn’t want another baby?

What a horrible man.

Did you have problems with depression before you were with him? I can’t help but wonder if your mental health would be better without such a vile nasty hateful man in your life.

I’m so sorry you are going through this,

BrutusMcDogface · 21/12/2017 17:25

He is messing with your mind! I agree he's being horrible, first saying he didn't want to ttc but then having unprotected sex. Knob. Flowers

Original poster
Whatyouneedtoknow · 21/12/2017 17:37

He is not a good person. He is extremely selfish, he does not care and openly admits it. When i tried to discuss it further with him last night he basically shut me down, even though i was crying uncontrolably.

He said if im not happy i know where the door is, and if 'all im interested in' is having another baby go have one with someone else.

I have not suffered so much from depression but with crippling anxiety.
I think he plays on this and that he thinks i wont leave.

I cant picture my life without another child and a sibling for my daughter and if this is it then it is the end for us. I thought i was doing the right thing trying to keep my family together and have another child by the same person but at this rate whats the point as we wont be together much longer anyway.

I am terrified of leaving and not meeting someone else, being unhappy, not having another child over time. These are my fears. But i feel so unhappy and it is defo taking its toll on my mental health.

OP posts:
10FingersOnTheFender · 21/12/2017 17:47

I'd be interested to know what his attitude to another child was before this agreement at the start of the year?
Ie. did you commit to this relationship on the understanding you'd have (if nature allowed) 2 children?
Because if he always said "just one child" and you thought for a long time that was to be it, but then he changed his mind at the start of the year, then I dont that his backtracking now would be such a crushing blow to you (in terms of your life plans etc)
As someone whose husband will never agree to a 2nd child (but who always said "just one"), i can still understand how hard it would be to come to terms with

10FingersOnTheFender · 21/12/2017 17:48

*then I dont see that his backtracking now..

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/12/2017 17:51

I don't get how you can admit hes not a good person, is selfish and doesn't care about anyone yet TTC with him. Your wants for another child at all costs are selfish, the child deserves better.

Do you want your DD to grow up with this as the model for her future relationships?

BackInTheRoom · 21/12/2017 17:55

@Whatyouneedtoknow he's not a good person but you want another kids with him? That's bonkers! You should sort your faulty thinking out.

Original poster
Whatyouneedtoknow · 21/12/2017 17:58

I know it is crazy, its probably a really bad idea. Its stuck in my head that im trying to build this family but its not working out the way i planned.

I feel like i should leave but im scared. I have great family but very few friends. I dont know what moves to make.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 21/12/2017 17:58

So he's not a good person BUT you want another baby with him. But he doesn't want another baby however he is willing to have unprotected sex with you, knowing you're not using contraception.

What a red hot mess. I'd be in no rush to have any kids with anyone OP. You've got bigger decisions to make.

AdalindSchade · 21/12/2017 17:59

It's not more important to have another baby than it is to leave a relationship that is harming your mental health. If you leave you may have another child or you may not but either way it will be the right thing to do.

zsazsajuju · 21/12/2017 18:07

you admit he is not a good person, why on earth would you want to be with him. It doesnt sound like a great idea to stay with him at all never mind have another baby. Youre only 31, still young with plenty of time. LTB now and start a better life.

BackInTheRoom · 21/12/2017 18:17

@Whatyouneedtoknow

Ok why don't you start another post at how to leave your DP? Ask others for practical advise. Don't try and build a home on foundations that are made of sand!

HipNewName · 21/12/2017 18:30

I think you would be happier without him. Whether or not you end up having another child, I think you would have more peace,

TheVanguardSix · 21/12/2017 18:37

I think your first move is to really try to not have another baby. I know. Your body. Your choice. But it would really make things so much harder if you got pregnant. Having another baby won't fix your issues. It will exacerbate them.

Wishingandwaiting · 21/12/2017 18:39

Perhaps the last six months of you off meds’ has concerned him sufficiently to change his mind?

Annabelle4 · 21/12/2017 18:41

You could be pregnant after having unprotected sex this morning. Do you know where in your cycle you are?

Are you prepared for him to turn around, 3 weeks from now and tell you that he doesn't want it?
What will you do then?

PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2017 18:42

annabelle is right-you are safest to take the morning after pill and sort out the situation with your husband.

twiney · 21/12/2017 18:43

"He said if im not happy i know where the door is, and if 'all im interested in' is having another baby go have one with someone else."

He's right.

If you're not happy, leave. Why are you trying for a kid with a man you dont respect or like?

He already has 2 kids. He doesn't want more. Have you sorted the MAP or are you hoping to have an "accidental" pregnancy?

Take control of your life and responsibility. You want another baby? Leave him and find another man.

Thymeout · 21/12/2017 18:43

Go back on your anti-d's and your contraceptive pills asap. You will be in a much worse position if you get pregnant by this man and you need a clear, calm head to work out what to do.

crunched · 21/12/2017 18:48

I don't get how you can admit hes not a good person, is selfish and doesn't care about anyone yet TTC with him. Your wants for another child at all costs are selfish, the child deserves better
^ this

Original poster
Whatyouneedtoknow · 21/12/2017 18:49

I agree. There is a voice in my head that is saying dont do it, you're unhappy already what is another baby going to do.

It may be different if we were married and i loved him more than anything in the world and he said im really sorry but i dont want to have anymore....but that is not the case. I resent him so much for things he has said and done to me in the past.

I was reading about emotional abuse for the first time last week and it was scary the number of things i could relate to.

I dont feel strong just now i feel broken.
Should make a new post about leaving as this has quickly turn into a much bigger issue.

OP posts:
KalaLaka · 21/12/2017 18:54

If you get pregnant, you'll really suffer. Pregnancy with a child to take care of is hard work, plus I imagine he'll either become worse or leave. I would also recommend emergency contraception and straight back on the pill (see Gp).

You can leave him and still have a good future with your child. A stable home is much better for her than a sibling!

Original poster
Whatyouneedtoknow · 21/12/2017 19:01

I am not at a point in my cycle where i have any concerns about pregnancy.
I am not taking the morning after pill.
I am not going to go back on the pill as i also feel the hormones from this are effecting me.
I have told him i am not going back on the pill. The next move was his to make, i am not leading him blindly.

OP posts:
ButtMuncher · 21/12/2017 19:06

You don't need another child, or to go in the pill. You need to leave this man you are not happy with and go back on your medication, for your own sake and that of your daughters.

I do understand why you'd want to make it work - we've all been there, we've all wished for things we can't have, but your relationship isn't healthy by your own admission and bringing another child into that environment would be selfish.

Irrespective of whether you want another child or not, you need to do what's right for you and your DD - and that sounds like leaving your current partner. Whether or not you end up having another child with someone else is by the by - focus on the now, not the maybe.

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