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Original poster

Husband jealous of my teenage ex BF

53 replies

Mansnothot · 21/12/2017 08:22

Hi I don’t really post much but could do with a bit of advice.

I’m 41 been with my DH since I was 19 and have 2 DC. My eldest DC started at high school in September and has a new best friend whose Dad happens to be one of my ex boyfriends from when I was 16. DD and his DD have been inseparable and are often at each other’s houses so her Dad has been here a few times to pick her up and vice versa. He is now married to one of my childhood neighbours so it’s funny how it’s all worked out. I have become friendly again with my old neighbour and have been out for coffee a few times which is nice.
Anyway the other night I could tell DH wasn’t happy so asked him what was wrong and he said he hates it when ex BF comes to collect his DD as he can’t stand to see me chatting with him and can’t get the image of us together out of his head!! I was with him 25 years ago ffs! We have now been invited to a New Years party at their house and a few other old faces will be there so I would really like to go but DH has said we’re not going. We had a massive argument over it last night. I wouldn’t mind but I only went out with this guy for about 6 weeks and I was still at school!
Is this normal behaviour from a man in his mid forties?? It’s not like he didn’t have any girlfriends before he met me.
Sorry for waffling!

OP posts:
areynold · 21/12/2017 09:53

I wouldn't be so cross and I think it's quite natural. I have noticed that some of my friends (both men and women) are completely comfortable having their partner's ex'es as friends and some (both men and women) are like your DH. It must be something deep inside people.

If it's the only problem in your relationship and it doesn't extend to his trying to control you in general, I personally would do as DH asks if it upsets him for you to see the other man. Of course, if he is generally controlling and jealous then that's another matter.

bretonknickers · 21/12/2017 10:01

6 weeks - 25 years ago?
And he's throwing a hissy fit?
That's bonkers

A while back my ex ( who I had been with for 3.5 years and broken up with a few years before I met DH, he was my first love etc) and I went to a gig together (we stayed friends and he has the same taste in music as I do, DH does not) and ex stayed over with DH & I afterwards, DH was making him tea and they played on the X box together, DH made a real effort with him even though he must have found it odd.

Angelf1sh · 21/12/2017 10:07

That is utterly ridiculous of him and completely unreasonable. You want to put a stop to that sharpish. Not just the unreasonable jealously, but also the attempt to control you. None of that behaviour is normal or acceptable.

IHeartDodo · 21/12/2017 10:07

Wow! I'm the jealous type (overactive imagination!) so normally I would be sympathetic, but this is ridiculous!

AFistfulOfDolores · 21/12/2017 10:12

Is there any chance your DH is projecting, OP? In other words, he's telling you his innermost thoughts, without knowing he's doing that, by playing out his own reality through your ex - i.e. he is, or is thinking of, having an affair?

Original poster
Mansnothot · 21/12/2017 11:06

Thanks all. Nice to have the reassurance that it’s not me being silly or that it is normal behaviour.

I wouldn’t say DH is particularly controlling but saying that I don’t have a huge social life so don’t go out that much so he never really has to worry about that. I work with a lot of men but that has never seemed to bother him. He was quite jealous of exes when we first got together but I thought he’d got over that...obviously not!!

OP posts:
certificateofauthenticity · 21/12/2017 11:49

I agree he is being unreasonable, unless, of course you have given him reason to doubt you. There is only one side of the story here, so we will take your side as we do not know any more. I am not saying there is any more to this, in any way, but perhaps he has suspicions, even unfounded, that can only be sorted out by both of you talking, being completely honest about feelings, post and present. I don't think that both of you discussing this like adults, without accusations, and only dealing in truth, is too much to ask. Just an opinion.

Cariadd · 21/12/2017 12:01

He sounds insecure for some reason. Does he have any reason?

Lizzie48 · 21/12/2017 12:15

Hopefully he'll get over this. I remember when my DH and I first married I received a birthday card from my ex boyfriend, who I'd gone out with for 3 months 8 years before. We had remained friends and he'd put 3 kisses on the card. My DH was very annoyed about that!

He very quickly got over it, as he could see that there really was nothing to worry about. This ex has been a Facebook friend for quite a few years, but only in terms of liking each other's statuses and I haven't seen him in years now.

But you mustn't let your DH stop you from going to this New Year's Eve party.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 21/12/2017 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2017 12:24

Oh christ, it's a good job your H is not in my old friendship group from school.

We all snogged each other at various times back then !

sexymamma17 · 21/12/2017 12:25

Oh my god is he being serious?! 6 weeks You was with your ex for when you was 16 🤔

I wouldn't let him dictate to you that your both not going!

If your old school friends are going than I would go and have a catch up, don't let your husband stop you from going just because he has a bad feeling about your ex who's married with his own family!

He's being so ridiculous

Offred · 21/12/2017 12:28

Do not pander to this ridiculousness.

Is he EA (controlling) in other ways?

SandyY2K · 21/12/2017 12:39

Hmmmm. It may sound unreasonable, but my friend had her daughter become friends with her DHs Ex wife's daughter at school ...which made her a bit uncomfortable.

He obviously realises he shouldn't feel this way, hence he didn't bring it up voluntarily.

Can you talk to him and reassure him there's nothing for him to worry about... and remind him (nicely) that this was a teenage relationship of 6 weeks.

His jealously isn't totally abnormal...I've known people cheat with the ex from way back....
but he needs to get to grips with it.....and you could play a part in that.

....and I'd go to the party. He can stay home if he wants.

gamerchick · 21/12/2017 12:43

He doesn’t get to tell you to stay in if you want to go. I know though that I wouldn’t have such a good time if I knew my husband was that unhappy about it. I’d still go though.

Time for a proper chat with him about getting over himself, this will hang over your Christmas like a dark cloud.

LexieLulu · 21/12/2017 13:28

I'd go to the party, tell your DH you are and if he wants to join you he can!

areynold · 21/12/2017 13:36

For what it's worth, I wouldn't want DH to go to a party hosted by an ex he hadn't seen in years. Especially if the last time he saw her he was sleeping with her and she was 17. I understand I may be in the minority here.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/12/2017 13:52

You need to go to the party, with or without him. Be on the lookout: H's protest could be him treating you as if you are an object that he owns (dictating your non-attendance). He doesn't trust you. As previously mentioned, he may believe you would cheat because he would himself. But I would believe the Object Ownership dynamic, which is a slippery slope and can get worse and worse. It may develop and transfer to any man, not just past relationships, or friends that are male, or home repair men, or the mailman, or waiters at restaurants, auto mechanic men, or any male relative as well.
This happened to my sister, 59. Her stbx, 63, (thankfully she has reached her enough is enough point!), however, is also a very angry man and was a constant sex pest as well. My sister's physical disability (and skin condition) has prevented sex for a few years now so the accusations that she is on the pull should have stopped. Nope, they escalated. She has never cheated.

SandyY2K · 21/12/2017 15:52

I must say.... I doubt many women on here would be thrilled with the situation... if the shoe was on the other foot.

From an outsiders perspective...seeing you and your Ex chatting at the doorstep isn't going to fill him with glee.

apoppetonastring · 21/12/2017 16:04

@mansnothot

I think most people would be pissed off at the thought of their husband or wife's ex asking them to a party. However, it was 25 years ago that you dated, and you dated for 6 weeks, so it's a bit of an over reaction!

Rather than getting mad with him, maybe just telling him he is being silly, and try to make things less serious IYSWIM.

This 'WE ARE NOT GOING.' is a bit Hmm He needs to know there is nothing between the 2 of you. I could understand it if you had been married for 10 years, but you dated for 6 weeks! Confused

He is being irrational yes.

Lizzie48 · 21/12/2017 16:13

I do think that the likelihood is that he'll be ok with it, once he's got his head around the fact that your ex is around and your DD is friends with their DD. It doesn't sound like he's jealous and controlling normally, as he doesn't worry about the men you work with.

Maelstrop · 21/12/2017 16:14

Were you his first relationship, OP?

category12 · 21/12/2017 16:19

SandyY2K, I'm pretty sure I could easily cope with an ex who a partner only went out with for 6 weeks at 16 >

LexieLulu · 21/12/2017 16:25

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my long term DH wanted US to go to a party of a childhood ex and their new DW.

Especially with the fact they were 16, it was 6 weeks, they probably didn't sleep together. A teenage snog hand hold isn't going to make me jealous

Offred · 21/12/2017 19:03

Anyone who would behave like this over an ex from 25 years ago, when their partner was 16 and when the whole relationship only lasted 6 weeks has serious issues IMO.

In no way is there any possibility that his reaction is reasonable or acceptable. Others may be similarly unreasonable but it doesn’t change the fact that it is unacceptable and unreasonable.

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