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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm going to lose my kids

34 replies

youokayhun · 21/12/2017 01:15

I'm stuck in the middle of a ridiculous battle with my ex about basically getting a 50/50 arrangement written in stone by the courts to prevent further animosity....I've had the cafcass report and it is so hugely against me I don't know how I'll ever walk away with my kids. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't understand how a system
Can be so flawed Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
youokayhun · 21/12/2017 01:23

I really need help. I can't cope

OP posts:
LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 21/12/2017 01:32

Hi op- has anyone actually said you will lose your kids? I'm hoping not, so until that happens ( and it probably won't unless something major is against you ) then try and be calm.

Would you like to talk about the report?

My bil is going through a similar battle with his exwife and she has made up terrible lies. He just wants to see his dc.

furryelephant · 21/12/2017 01:33

No experience personally but here for a hand hold Saddo you know why the report is against you? Can you appeal it? Courts are very much in favour of 50/50 so try and keep some positivity! Flowers

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 21/12/2017 01:48

50/50 isn't losing your kids OP....it's hard but often the best arrangement.

What are your concerns?

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2017 01:49

Is your XP dangerous to the kids? Are you in a situation where you have been keeping him away for the DC's safety and he has had enough money to pursue it?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 21/12/2017 01:53

Reanimated OP hasn't said if they're male or female yet.

Oxcheeks · 21/12/2017 02:18

OP can you provide some more info please? I've done 50/50 with my ex husband for the last 13 years but I have the kids much more than him. I work part time so that gives me more leeway, and he never takes time off in school holidays. It's really not so bad

RebootYourEngine · 21/12/2017 04:15

In what way lose your children? By having 50-50 care or by not being granted that and your ex having the children more than you.

AstridWhite · 21/12/2017 05:01

I'm really confused. Is it you wanting 50:50 or is it your ex and you don't want him to have it?

Do you mean that the CAFCASS report is so badly against you that you won't get even 50:50, but less or nothing at all?

AstridWhite · 21/12/2017 05:02

sorry another one here who assumed the ex was a man and the OP is a woman!

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2017 11:38

Sorry if I'm wrong - I was thinking of the type of case where a dangerous, manipulative man who has money for lawyers convinces the court that the DC's mum is a spiteful, unreasonable liar (for blocking contact due to the man's abuse of her and the DC) and that if she withholds contact then custody of the DC should be given to the father.

Original poster
youokayhun · 21/12/2017 13:24

I'm female. XP Male. Astrid has it exactly right, we've always had 50/50 I hate it but I suffer it but the cafcass report is so badly against me that I'm worried I wont even get that. There isn't a single mention of any worries I expressed during my cafcass interview, just him and all his lies, they now want me to do a drugs test and for my DP to have third party police checks despite there being absolutely no reason for it other than my XPs vendetta. We've been to court once already and he asked for a drugs test and I agreed but because he had to pay he said no and my barrister at the time made it clear his actions were vindictive and the matter was now dismissed and not to be brought up again yet they are and I'm no longer willing to partake nor am I happy for my partner to give his permission for police checks simply because it is still him (xp) bullying me and making me jump through hoops and I don't see why I should do that. I'm a nice, normal person, I don't deserve this and I feel like giving up.

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 21/12/2017 13:27

Sounds hard op.

Please don't refuse any checks it will go against you. Just let them do them and the court will see he is lying .

Josuk · 21/12/2017 13:33

OP - please don’t engage in the vindictive fighting with your Ex.
Your kids matter more.
Say yes to all the testing. And if you feel it’s unfair - remind yourself that you have nothing to hide and kids matter more.

Balearica · 21/12/2017 13:40

Only fair if you have to be tested and your DP police checked then he does too.

Natsku · 21/12/2017 13:48

Do the tests and checks, it'll look much better for you in Court if you do. When my ex started talking about me doing a drugs test I said I would very happily do one so long as he did one too - he quickly backed down and it was obvious to everyone involved why.

Original poster
youokayhun · 21/12/2017 13:54

Yes but I already have agreed, I'm not agreeing again. I'm not continuing to let him bully me.

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 21/12/2017 13:57

I've done the 'child custody case'. I have never been so scared. My husband did something awful to me just before he left and it made me look very bad. I spent 9 months very stressed before court. I thought I would lose my boy. He had asked for 50 50. When he arrived at court he had changed his mind and wanted full custody. It was mad. However, the judge saw through him, he got a strong telling off and he did not win. My Cafcass report came 2 days before hearing and I was asked to have mental health report and bring to court. Try not to worry too much. What age are your children?

RestingGrinchFace · 21/12/2017 13:58

Ifyou don't agree then you are working against yourself. Just do what the court requires and his lawyers ask.

MeadowHay · 21/12/2017 14:03

Surely it's more important to see your children than to prove a point to your ex re: the testing? Your children need you to agree to these tests, it's for them that you would be doing the tests, not for your ex. Please try and remember that or you risk losing some amount of contact with them and in future they may not look too kindly on the reasons why. I appreciate you feel the further testing is unnecessary but this is for the sake of your children.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2017 14:05

You re going to risk looking like a drug user to make a point?

Josuk · 21/12/2017 14:05

OP - it’s all really up to you.
But I must say - we don’t know you and can only judge by your short posts.
And it sounds a little strange that you are willing to put some petty fighting with your husband over your children.
You do know how your refusal to get tested would look like to the court and yet proving some point seems to be more important.

Sure - your ex may be controlling and bullying. That doesn’t take away the fact that there is court and procedures. Fighting the system does nothing for you and your kids future.

AdoraBell · 21/12/2017 14:06

Agree to the tests. Yes, I know you are jumping through ridiculous hoops, but the courts will see through him once the tests are done.

Do not give in to him. Cooperate with the court.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2017 15:14

Do the tests but insist he does them too.

NettleTea · 21/12/2017 15:15

seriously. when it comes to custody you jump through whatever short term stupid hoops they require - short term issues for a long term solution. When everything comes back clear, and you show the previous paperwork that said it shouldnt happen again, it all goes far better for you because it proves he is just being vindictive. And the courts dont like that
But start refusing stuff, arguing with CAFCAS about him 'winning' and being obstinate for no apparent reason, well yes, you may well lose out.