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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Verifying my boyfriend is not a cheat

34 replies

user1497126393 · 20/12/2017 13:27

The start of my last relationship was 10 years ago, so technology etc has changed since but I now have a b/f (made it official about 1-2 months ago), before that anything else would not be classed as cheating.

I have been checking through his online presences and found a POF profile which he must of made around the time of meeting me a year and a half ago or it could of been after! but how much after?

My question is: (without being a member) How can I tell when he made his profile? When he last logged in? When he was last active? eg: like editing his profile or adding/deleting something.

Also....Should I bring this up with him? and if so, How?
As I don't wish to invest in someone if they merely see me as a backup, side or is not confident to really wish to be my b/f.

Hmm Angry

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 20/12/2017 13:31

Don’t attempt to investigate him, you either trust him or you don’t. Now that you’ve found this, I’d ask him about it and decide if you believe him or not. You don’t need evidence of an affair to break up with someone if you don’t trust them. Equally, you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone you mistrust and are constantly checking up on. It’s not a good way to be OP, your official relationship is less than two months old and you already don’t trust him...

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2017 13:44

Why don't you trust him?

I'd break up with you for online stalking me after two months if I were him

Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 13:51

@shoxfordian why wouldn't you check out a person online is what I want to know ? There are weirdos out there, men/women that are already married , abusive men / women , why wouldn't you want to check out the person that you are inviting into your home and possibly intoducing to your children?

Original poster
user1497126393 · 20/12/2017 13:52

Exactly so! I want to know that I am with an honest, safe and good man I can trust with my mind, body and soul.

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 13:55

Set up a fake profile and it should tell you when the account was last active ? Not sure how pof works though, maybe do a bit of googling?

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2017 14:22

Hi Lefty1, you're really commenting on my posts today Hmm

I don't think there's any need to stalk someone online because its invasive of someone's privacy and there's no point in being with someone if you can't trust them.

Its probable that the POF account was made when you weren't dating. I wouldn't be happy if my new boyfriend of two months thought it appropriate to stalk me online and check up on me rather than actually getting to know me to decide if I could be trusted or not.

Original poster
user1497126393 · 20/12/2017 14:25

Stalking or protecting myself? So how would the conversation go where I ask him about this profile?

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 14:31

That's because the advice you give is either condescending or judgmental , calling someone a "stalker" for having a look through information that's readily available online is not stalking its sensible. It could save this girl a year of her time and heartache potentially if he turns out to be some kind of serial dater...

Employees also do "stalking" online via linked in and other social media platforms when considering if a candidate is right for the role, maybe you should hand your notice in at your job as they may have invaded your privacy?? [🙄]

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2017 14:32

Ah well

Agree to disagree then

TheNaze73 · 20/12/2017 14:34

I agree with Shox

ClareB83 · 20/12/2017 14:38

Just to add that POF is notoriously difficult to get rid of. My OH and I met on eharmony, but had POF accounts from before that. Despite deleting the POF accounts/disabling etc etc it still emails both of us at least once a week with our new matches. And I know for sure I haven't been using it!

dailydance · 20/12/2017 14:39

What Lefty said. I would expect anyone I met online/app to have googled me. It works both ways and both people need to feel safe.

Original poster
user1497126393 · 20/12/2017 14:42

Lefty, I couldn't of said that all better myself!
I see a relationship as an investment in much including my time, like an employer seeing that my employees are loyal to me....fair enough no?
and if not and worst comes to worst then men need to be shown that there are consequences to take like a man if they dare take me for a fool

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/12/2017 14:46

Tbh the scenario painted in the first post I would be dumping someone for. Official for a few weeks and already being confronted over old accounts would be big red flags. He doesn’t have to prove himself to you, you either trust him or you don’t.

gamerchick · 20/12/2017 14:47

Yeah run like the wind.

Thickasmince · 20/12/2017 15:01

Why didn’t you do all this investigating prior to becoming official? And why the angry emoji, as if you’ve already decided he’s been deceitful? You are going out of your way to catch him up to something? Do you have any other indication that he can’t be trusted?

Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 15:01

Gamerchick how do you know they are "old" accounts ? You don't.

OP - i would look to try and find when the profile was last active? Then if it was done recently you don't even really need to have that convo with him do you, I'd just ghost him. Unless he has communicated to you that the relationship is non exclusive right now and it's acceptable to date others?

Original poster
user1497126393 · 20/12/2017 15:04

I agree lefty, but how do I find out when he was last active when I don't have POF account? (or any other dating account)

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/12/2017 15:06

the OP doesn’t know that they are not and he’s already being hung drawn and quartered.

Ghost him indeed Hmm does nobody behave like grown ups anymore. Here’s a novel idea, how about communicating at the exclusive talk rather than checking up on them later looking for something to hoof him in the nads with.

Angelf1sh · 20/12/2017 15:07

JUST ASK HIM!!! If you don’t trust him, why are you dating him? If you want to be sure of a relationship before you invest in it, why not check all of this out in the year or more you were casually dating? You are making this needlessly difficult. You don’t need evidence to break up with someone if you don’t trust them.

And if I were him and found out you were doing this behind my back (based on seemingly nothing), I’d dump you.

Emmageddon · 20/12/2017 15:16

Create a fake account with a throwaway email address, then you should be able to see when his account was created and when he was last active on the site.

ClareB83 · 20/12/2017 15:19

Then when he discovers your ur POF account that you just created he can dump you for cheating!!

Honestly, I get googling people but creating fake profiles is a step too far.

gamerchick · 20/12/2017 15:21

Yeah, you may as well go full hog then and message him if you go to that place...just to test him of course Wink

Ashamedandblamed · 20/12/2017 15:21

How did you find his POF account seeing as it wouldn't have shown up on google.

Did you check his phone or sign up yourself and browse till you found him. Asking for a friend.

Thanks

Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 15:25

@gamerchick you may have missed this in the top of the OP's thread but she said they were official for now 2 months and anything within this space would be considered cheating . So I'd make the assumption that the "novel" idea you so ingeniously suggested has been discussed already .

And in terms of ghosting it's just another form of NC , what's the issue with not contacting a man IF he is looking for other women when he is meant to be dating you exclusively? I suppose counselling and let's talk through the mental process of why he felt this way 🙄 Give me a break , life is too short.