Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Social media - am I being unreasonable

37 replies

Hiya23 · 20/12/2017 11:58

Ok so the other week my DP mentioned to me he felt I didn't msg / call him enough . We've been together a year , no children ATM.

We speak every night on the phone but I had been feeling tired over the past month with work being busy so I took on board what he said and stepped up my game accordingly.

We always message each other good morning via whatsapp with a good few sentence about what we have going on for the day, telling each other we love each other etc. He usually instigates the first message as he gets up for work earlier than I (around 7am he'll send a msg) so yesterday I wake up at 8 as day off and notice no message I go on Facebook to send him a msg on there as they have funny gifs/stickers to use and notice he's already online , I leave it for about ten mins and still active so I decide to send the good mourning message and see how he responds.

He then messaged me good morning on whatsapp like he hadn't even seen my Facebook message but my message had prompted him.
I then noticed he just went straight back on Facebook and was basically on it for most of the day.

I guess my issue with this is that I message him before I even bother to check my social media , it really felt like I was an after thought...I've brought this up with him and he basically said "so what if I fucking check Facebook before messaging you" and has gone in a sulk and not talking to me (which he does on occasion) and said "you're being fucking petty" he doesn't often swear but did so in his messages.

I know there are people on here with much more significant problems then this so please don't flame me 🙈but I just wanted others opinions on this ....am I being to controlling/ needy /petty ?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 20/12/2017 12:03

Sounds like he was testing you to see if you would message him without prompting

pudding21 · 20/12/2017 12:04

Oh dear, I think you are reading too much into it here. He had already messaged you, so he had already communicated with you. I work on my computer and quite often I leave my facebook open on my browser so it might look like I am online but I am doing other things.

I think what you said is a bit petty in my opinion.

Is there more to this, are you feeling a bit insecure, how is your trust?

Original poster
Hiya23 · 20/12/2017 12:07

Hi puddings , he hadn't messaged with good morning until I sent the Facebook message . I do trust him I just don't get why he would chose to check Facebook before messsging me . He has always said he doesn't care for Facebook so it just seemed a bit of a contradiction. I get that it's a small thing ...

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/12/2017 12:12

Are you happy to be with someone who speaks to you like that? Perhaps look at the happiest marriages you know - do the men talk like that to the women?

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2017 12:12

Wow.

Are you both 12?

TwitterQueen1 · 20/12/2017 12:16

No Shox, I think maybe 10 at a push?

AlexanderHamilton · 20/12/2017 12:21

I think it sounds like you are both pre-teens obsessing over hidden meanings in messages.

My dh used to live away during the week. I messaged or phoned him at night after I'd fed the kids & done all my jobs. The pair of you obviously have too much time on your hands.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2017 12:21

has gone in a sulk and not talking to me (which he does on occasion)
Oh dear.
Please google 'stonewalling abuse'
It's not a nice thing to do to someone.
Throw in the defensive swearing and it's not looking good, is it?

Original poster
Hiya23 · 20/12/2017 12:25

Thanks for the responses , i do understand that this seems like a very small / immature issue, I just value mine and my DP communication and want to make it work.

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 20/12/2017 12:25

You'll come communicate much better if you ditch the needy/manipulative texts (both of you) & just have a nightly phone call.

TheNaze73 · 20/12/2017 12:27

I agree with Alexander

You’re adding extra layers of unnecessary hassle with texts & social media

Original poster
Hiya23 · 20/12/2017 12:31

Thanks again , I've been thinking a long time about deleting Facebook as it's a nuisance . Think I'll do it. Also take on board about stonewalling and text message frequency

OP posts:
twiney · 20/12/2017 12:31

This is insane!

AuntLydia · 20/12/2017 12:33

I honestly can't believe you would see this as an issue. Do you really feel that the first thing he should do every single morning without fail, is think of you and send a message? What if he needs a shit? Or a drink? Are those acceptable to do first before messaging you? He shouldn't have sworn in his messages but he was probably wondering why on earth - the one morning he had a quick nosy at Facebook - you've had a pop at him.

ChinwagCharlieBear · 20/12/2017 12:37

Aside from the fact of how he spoke to you (swearing at you) I do think you are reading into this too much.

My DP and I live together but we do text during the day and sometimes speak on the phone during lunch, especially if one of us is out late. It would never cross my mind to think about who texts first and nor would I moan if he hadn't texted me, even though I'd know he'd been on his phone. We've only been together 2 years so it's not like it's a long relationship.
I would relax and if he continues talking to you like that then dump.

Original poster
Hiya23 · 20/12/2017 12:39

Thanks chinwag for your response I found your perspective really useful

OP posts:
MissBax · 20/12/2017 12:43

How old are you both?

Original poster
Hiya23 · 20/12/2017 12:45

We are both 22Blush

OP posts:
mindutopia · 20/12/2017 13:13

I think you're overthinking this. I have Facebook open on my computer all day. I expect it always says I'm active, but I'm not really. I'm working. But I glance at it when I have a break or need some distraction. I also talk with friends or family through there. My husband can send me a message and I can go hours without responding to it, if it isn't urgent. It's not a big deal. Everyone's busy, sometimes it just doesn't happen. When my husband and I were dating, we lived in different countries and our only communication was texting, email and social media (this was back before it was as easy as it is today to Facetime and such and calls were expensive and a hassle and usually one of us was at work or in class anyway because of the time difference). Yes, then we might occasionally have had higher expectations for response time. I wouldn't want to wait hours, as it meant we might not get to speak to each other at all that day, and it was months before we'd see each other again. It was a bigger deal. I would try not to overthink one instance of a delayed response.

Original poster
Hiya23 · 20/12/2017 13:32

Thanks mindutopia for the detailed response , he doesn't use a computer its all on his phone but I totally get what you're saying and feel like I've overreacted . Blush

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 20/12/2017 13:41

You’re overreacting about him checking Facebook before saying hello to you. Completely overreacting. He in turn completely overreacted to your comment, especially as this morning message nonsense arose because he complained you didn’t message him enough (🙄) and he shouldn’t have sworn at you.

This seems immature even for 22, maybe you two need to step back from the relationship and assess what you both want out of it. I can guarantee that your relationship won’t last if you’re each demanding 100% of the other’s attention

Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 14:06

@shoxfordian another useless bit of "advice" why don't you get busy with tweeting Donald Trump or something instead

OP sounds like you both need to chill out a bit & yes overreaction from both parties. Hope you sort things out xx

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2017 14:17

Another useless bit of advice? I thought my advice was usually good Sad

My comment was a bit facetious and I apologise but this seemed a very immature (non) issue really.

Actual advice is to relax a bit; as people have said this is a complete overreaction. If you feel this insecure then is it the relationship making you feel this way or you? Aunt Lydia was right

Fruitcocktail6 · 20/12/2017 16:51

Do you actually see each other in real life?

offside · 20/12/2017 16:57

Oh my days, you both need to grow up.

For what it’s worth Facebook isn’t a reliable source of showing when someone’s online and WhatsApp now do GIFs so I have a suspicion you were checking up on him. You say he said he doesn’t use FB often so why would send him a message via FB?