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Original poster

Can you really rebuild trust?

42 replies

Gerbil17 · 20/12/2017 10:08

My ex lied and lied over stupid things.
I have trust issues to begin with and he lied at the beginning telling me he would never do anything but gain my trust.
Fast forward a year and we are no longer together due to his lies.
Even though they are lies over stupid things, it makes me question everything.
I couldnt deal with being in a relationship and feeling those negative feelings any longer.

Now he swears he wont ever lie to me again and really wants the chance to prove himself to me. This is not the first time he has said this. So again, i am questioning things. However, still going with it to try.

I do miss him and still love him and that is why i am where i am.

Am i a fool for thinking it can be rebuilt?
Am i a fool for even trying to believe a liar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gerbil17 · 20/12/2017 10:11

What is putting me off at the minute is the fact he has text every morning asking how i am and seemed really keen to speak to me.
The day he is meant to take me out he didnt text and doesnt seem remotely interested in texting compared to other days. As stupid as that sounds - just shows how much all of this has worn me down

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2017 10:12

Am i a fool for even trying to believe a liar?
Honestly?? Yes!
Sorry. But's it is ingrained them.
For liars, lying is like breathing.
It's just second nature to them.
Don't be dragged back in.

Mum4Fergus · 20/12/2017 10:18

He's already shown you who he is...don't go back there.

Louiseandhercubs · 20/12/2017 10:39

Has he taken any route in stopping lying? Therapy. Councilling etc?

If he has you may be able to get somewhere but without proper professional help a compulsive liar will always be just that. A compulsive liar

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 20/12/2017 10:39

That is what i thought.
It is so hard though.
I struggle to see why i should struggle to deal with all of the feelings of not trusting or believing him when he is trying to rebuild it. When all would have been fine had he not done those things!

Yet part of me wonders if he is telling the truth this time. Only i dont think i can believe myself because i have fallen for it before

OP posts:
Original poster
Gerbil17 · 20/12/2017 10:41

No he hasnt. He has done his level best to prove he is telling the truth. Yet cant grasp the fact that, that is not a healthy relationship.

Like he will send me pictures to prove where he is at (without me asking) - but that is a set up to an awful relationship. It makes me feel like i am being controlling when im not even asking for the pictures iykwim

OP posts:
LanaDReye · 20/12/2017 10:44

He's trying to make you feel guilty with the photos. Walk away now before he has you questioning yourself further.

ijustwannadance · 20/12/2017 10:49

He will never stop lying to you.
You will never trust him fully ever again.

Don't put yourself through anymore shit.

Josuk · 20/12/2017 12:36

OP - it’s a little difficult to figure anything out with the two of you given no context to what happened.

As you said yourself - you have trust issues. And I am sure that makes you oversensitive in a lot of situations. And, possibly, not easy to have a relationship with.

Most people tell white lies - pretend we do like that meal our friend cooked for hours (that tasted awful to us); compliment someone on a dress they seem to really like (despite it not being the best color/shape for them); not mention things that we know would hurt people we like to spare them.

So - hard to know what he ‘lied’ to you about to understand how big an issue it really is.
But - he seems to still want to try to salvage it all despite knowing that it’s hard.

So - if you still like him - what do you really have to lose?
And, as an aside - your trust issues won’t dissapear on their own unless you do something about it. So - if you don’t want to have a constant struggle in relationships - with this man, or any other - do try to figure out how you can help yourself.

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 12:38

gerbil go off a persons actuonsnot their words.

He has shown you that he is a wanker

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 20/12/2017 16:24

The lying was like lying about who had called him etc when it was no one who i would actually be bothered.
It was more so resulting in me wondering why he felt the need to lie to me, rather than telling me the truth. Even though he knew i was picking up his lies instantly since he is a shit liar.

Now he is saying he was stupid and doesnt understand himself why he was lying.
The only thing i can think of was he was doing it to try and make me wonder. Trying to provoke jealousy or something?

Anyway - his actions show that he does want to be around me and spend time with me etc.
I went for the meal with him today. It was ok, but i am very hesitant.
I said we can take things really slow.

As for my trust issues. I am getting help with it.
I am bothered a lot that he did all of those stupid lies when i was open and honest about the trust issues. My trust for him was a lot higher at the beginning to what it is now due to all of this. That is where it pisses me off.

OP posts:
Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 18:06

This is way too much for a bloke your not even tied too. Honestly do t get any more involved with a liar because you will never know the truth - even what time of day it is.

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 18:09

op I talk from bitter experience. People that lie do so because they think your stupid enough to fall for it. They don't care if the lie ruins the whole foundation of your relationship.

There honestly is more fish in the sea, I think your showing him that he can treat you how he likes as you will eventually lap it up

Tinselistacky · 20/12/2017 18:10

His promise to never lie again is in fact a big lie!!
Ltb and find someone who doesn't expect chance after chance to treat you with respect.

CR7987 · 20/12/2017 19:05

Yes
Yes.

Millions of men - this one ain't any good. Get yourself weaned off him and make a fresh start. Rinse and Repeat can go on all your life if you allow it to.

LanaDReye · 20/12/2017 19:44

"Now he is saying he was stupid and doesnt understand himself why he was lying.
The only thing i can think of was he was doing it to try and make me wonder. Trying to provoke jealousy or something?"

Run away from the mind games!

Josuk · 20/12/2017 21:31

OP - this 100% ‘honesty’ - that you seem to need - is unrealistic.
You need to allow people to have their privacy.

Trust can’t be based on such absolute disclosure standards.

It can be very intrusive for people who value their privacy.

I often don’t tell people the ‘truth’ - in your definition. When I don’t feel like sharing/disclosing where i’d been, what i’ve eaten, or what I’ve done, or why I don’t want to join friends on a particular night.
Now of that is done in any way to deceive people - but more in an attempt to protect my privacy.

I am an introvert, so I need a lot of my own space around me. And it irks me to share too much.

Not saying that this has any bearing on your bf. Just that it’s possible to deflect a question of ‘who called’ - and not know why you don’t want to tell the actual true answer.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/12/2017 21:45

If he doesn't know why he lied then how could he possibly promise to stop?

If he lied to make you jealous, why would you want to be near him?

It is disturbing that you have made someone else being a liar into a problem with yourself.

Me, I also have trust issues with proven liars. It is not a personality flaw, it is a good part of my personality. I don't resist it. I don't fight it.

Peanutbuttercheese · 21/12/2017 08:53

I had a relationship with a guy who lied. The discovered lies were like yours not especially or so it seemed big lies but they were a way to manipulate. After we broke up it made me question if anything he had ever said had been the truth.

He was the only man that ever made me doubt myself. I think compulsive lying is a hugely destructive trait. I think lying that much is because they are inadequate as human beings. Deep down there will,be a reason but why wait around to find out.

I was single for quite a while after that break up by choice.
You need to question why you stayed when you knew he was such a liar. I didn't discover the extensive lies until we broke up.

category12 · 21/12/2017 09:00

There are other men, you know. It shouldn't be such hard work.

category12 · 21/12/2017 09:00

There are other men, you know. It shouldn't be such hard work.

Joysmum · 21/12/2017 09:12

Now he is saying he was stupid and doesnt understand himself why he was lying

In which case he is lying when he is promising to stop. If he doesn’t know why lying is more important to him than telling the truth then he can’t change Wink

Jellyheadbang · 21/12/2017 09:34

Omg op! I could have written this exact post today! How bizarre. Experiencing exactly the same feelings and confusion and as I get closer to spending Christmas Day on my own I’m even more tempted than usual to take him back. One minute he admits he lied and apologises and in the next breath denies he ever did anything wrong, and tells me I was also dishonest ( I was never dishonest).
I miss so many things about being in a relationship, especially the physical side and just laughing together etc but I can’t get over how much he played with my brain (& how much I let him!)
So much more has come out since we split and every time I see/hear something new it puts me straight back into that place of feeling hurt, disappointed and worthless.
I know I could never trust him if we got back together, especially as he’s in denial half the time. He’s shown me time and again who he really is and how much more important his friends are than me and in the conversations we’ve shared since splitting I’ve also seen for a fact that lying is second nature to him in all scenarios.
We’re both in our forties. He will never change and I know I’d end up being a complete nervous wreck if we got back together as he lies so plausibly and everyone but me takes him at his word!
I hope you can make the decision which suits you best but in my experience and observations of others these types never change nor do they learn from their mistakes.
I love him so much but honestly I don’t even know what/who he is so I’m in love with a mirage, that’s what I have to learn to deal with and get over for the sake of my self esteem and mental and emotional health.

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 21/12/2017 10:18

Thank you all. I dont know why i am so hung up on him. My usual self would have told others to feck off for a lot less.

The lies havent came about because i am insisting he gives me the correct information, or that i haven been asking who was on the phone etc.
Although, those situations have happened.
It was more so him being unable to remember a lie and so tripping himself up. Which would then result in me asking questions about it.

It makes sense when PP has said that he is still not telling the truth if he cant give any reasons behind why he has lied in the first place. It is just as bad as denial, really.
If not worse since he is admitting it happened, but blocking any way of understanding it.

I am still talking to him. I havent let him back into my life and he knows there is a chance that i might not. He wants to go back to normal as quick as possible and i just cant do that.

jellyheadbang it is all very familiar reading your post and i expect i will be in your position soon enough.
I dont know why but im balancing on a final chance, but i cant seem to pull myself away

OP posts:
Original poster
Gerbil17 · 21/12/2017 16:35

Thats how i felt earlier. Right now i dont think i can even try and help him rebuild my trust.

OP posts: