Cancelling Christmas lunch to curb DP's anxiety; Yea or nay?

[ChrimboBimbo]

Posting here as this concerns pretty much all of my relationships with family my members.

DP struggles with anxiety which tends to intensify around 'high-expectations' occasions such as Christmas, family holidays, social gatherings etc. So far he has managed the build-up to Christmas really well and I have been cautiously optimistic that we may avoid the overwhelm which has hit him almost every Christmas I can remember.
We have two DC, 8 and 5, both of whom are giddy with delight as the big day approaches.
We usually get together with members of my family for Christmas Day; my mum and an aunt, both of whom are fairly quiet and easy going, and aren't particularly fussed about Christmas, just enjoy a meal and a chat for a few hours. None of us drink much, so it is all quite civilised. They live nearby, so it really is just a few hours in the afternoon.
This evening DP has said that he is starting to feel like it is all going to be too much, worrying that he might feel overwhelmed with my relatives visiting. After a few minutes of listening to him sharing his concerns, I started to feel my own anxiety levels rising (I am usually very relaxed and unruffled by things), and found myself saying, feeling completely exasperated, that we should probably cancel Christmas lunch, just have a quiet meal on our own at home, and perhaps pop out to my mum's or aunt's for a cup of tea later so the DC can see their DG and DA and open their presents, or invite them over to share a cheese board later on. I suggested we sleep on it and decide tomorrow, making relatives aware of changes if necessary.
Now, having gone to bed, I am feeling annoyed and unsure what to do: I hadn't realised just how much DP's anxiety has rubbed off on me, and this has startled me a little. It felt like such a relief to say we'd cancel Christmas lunch. But I know the anxiety isn't mine, and I now feel like I have set myself up to eliminate potential stressors for DP's sake, and do myself out of what is a really enjoyable part of Christmas Day for me and the DC in the process; hanging out with DM and DA for lunch and opening presents together. If I am honest with myself, I have to admit I am feeling a little uncharitable toward DP, even though it wasn't even his idea. I'm finding myself thinking "Jeez, DP! It's one afternoon, just chill out and suck it up for me and the DC." but I know anxiety doesn't work like that, obviously.
DM and DA will most likely shrug and sort themselves out, with no hard feelings; they are, as I said, very easy going.

But I will really miss them.
How can I proceed so that everyone's needs are met to as great an extent as possible?

As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression, the worst thing you can do is "pander" to it by doing things like helping him avoid situations. Responding to anxieties just feeds them, whether that be through avoidance or responding in some other way eg checking/hand washing etc etc etc.

Is your DP getting some help to manage his anxiety? What other things make him anxious? He needs to work on managing his anxieties so you can all have a normal life.

If your DP doesn't feel he can manage going to the lunch this year, you and your children shouldn't miss out, you should go and he can follow later. It's easy to pick up on others feelings and behaviour especially when you get caught up in changing your behaviour to accommodate their anxieties, and you don't want that to continue or you will both end up getting very isolated.

"worrying that he might feel overwhelmed with my relatives visiting".

Fuck that. Go.

He can Always go upstairs to escape. It’s quite selfish.

Do you all have to be present at the lunch? Maybe your partner could stay at home and read a book or watch another episode at Netflix, while you go to the lunch? Just say he's overwhelmed by Christmas this year, so you decided this was best for everyone this year.

Presumably he spends time with your family at other times? Is it just Christmas that worries him? I think he is being extremely selfish to even draw you into this. Does he not work, does he have to avoid all social events? Go ahead with your plans, how sad for your kids and your mum and aunt, and also for you. Like others have said he could take himself off for a breather. It sounds exhausting.

Now, you know your partner and I don’t. But this feels like a bit of an overreaction to me. He shared some feelings of concern and anxiety, and you decided to cancel Christmas? Really? What about the excited DC? Can you plan some coping methods with DP beforehand, eg leaving the room quietly when things get too much?

You say they are laid back but it's also a bit shitty to leave your aunt and mother with no Xmas dinner plans at 5 days to go. Don't cancel. Your dh can skip lunch and stay upstairs

It is TWO extra people. And you have your children to consider.

I am sorry he has anxiety and I don’t mean to downplay it in any way, but I think he is the one who needs to remove himself. Not ruin it for everyone else.

Your kids come first. It’s one day. Make sure it’s a happy one full of joy with people, who love them and can share in the happiness. They have another 364 days to deal with having an anxious father. I think you’ve made a very poor decision. Time to change your mind. Again.

If its just a few hours and as laid back as you say, I think you should suggest continuing with the plans, but DP having the option of taking some time out. So he could stay for the initial ‘hellos’ or present opening, but then having a lie down or something if it gets too much and then coming back if he feels up to it.

Whilst you have to keep your partners MH in mind, you also have to keep yours in mind too.
Obviously not everyone is the same, but my anxiety is always at its worst in the lead up to things ( at times, to the point where I’ve avoided taking the bin out). But when the ‘event’ actually happens, and its not so bad, I can physically feel the relief. It could pan out the same for your DP.

Don’t cancel. I have had anxiety in the past and yes it is awful; however, you and your children’s lives can’t be dictated by this. I have a friend in a similar situation and over the years I’ve seen her become more and more isolated as she cancels on events because of her husband.

Agree with DH in advance that if he starts feeling overwhelmed, he gets a ‘migraine’ and retires upstairs to rest.

Simple.

Of course he isn't selfish or overreacting if he's been diagnosed with an illness that makes him constantly anxious and feel like something dreadful will happen. It's an awful illness, sapping every shred of energy people have.

But Mini is right, feeding anxiety does not help in the long-run, and giving up on things you enjoy will make you resentful. It's a shame you mentioned the get-out option, as it might feel like you've thrown him a lifeline which you're now yanking away, but I'd go ahead with Christmas lunch but tell DH you've spoken to DM and DA and (if true) that there's no expectation that he'll be present all the time if it'd be easier for him to join and wander off as it feels right for him. You could also maybe limit the family visit to 2-3 hours, so that he gets to spend time after the visit properly relaxing just with you and the children.

Agree with DH in advance that if he starts feeling overwhelmed, he gets a ‘migraine’ and retires upstairs to rest.

Simple.
*
This in a nutshell ^^ - you can't cancel every time, but have a plan - even a code word. He could take time out upstairs, go for a walk .... watch some telly. You can't cancel 5 days prior, anxiety is shit but doing that to family is shittier ! Good luck OP (from a former anxious person)*

Assuming you will still go ahead with Christmas lunch just the four of you, so you will still cook it, sit down and eat it etc., I don't see the difference between having your mum and auntie there for lunch (in fact they can help) and having them come around later for tea/supper. They are still there in your house, eating, DH will still have to speak to them, the lunch food still gets cooked and served....

I agree with the first poster who said pandering to his anxiety too much will not really help it. And it's very late notice to tell your poor mum and aunt that they will have to sort their own Christmas lunch out.

I think you should gently insist that things go ahead as planned, tell him to take the children/dog/just himself out for a nice long walk to break the time up a bit and to stop him stressing around the house.

It's your and the children's Christmas too and you deserve to have your Mum around you if you want her there. When will you see his family? Is he like this with them as well?

In future, if hosting is just too much for him perhaps you should go to family for the lunch then he is free to leave early if it's a bit overwhelming. Often though, with anxiety, the fear and anxiety involved in anticipating doing something is much greater than the actual fear and anxiety once you are there doing it.

Like Mini I have depression/anxiety as does my DP. I've told him many a time to remove himself from the situation if it gets too much, but not cancel.
Cancelling 5 days before isn't good either. Just go with it and tell him to go upstairs or outside for a few minutes to calm down.

I feel some of the previous posters are possibly unaware of the paralysing condition anxiety can be. It's not the same as normal worries or stress - it's an awful illness with potentially debilitating physical and mental consequences, and you can't just not have it because it's Christmas.

That said, avoidance is the very last thing anyone with anxiety should do - it just reinforces the conviction that this or that event is too difficult for them; they lose even more confidence, catastrophise normal scenarios and become isolated by their fears, growing ever more sensitive and fragile the less and less contact they have with adversity. They never get the reinforcement from realising that they can survive and overcome their anxiety.

A better strategy is to support the anxious person to find ways of managing their feelings while living a normal life. CBT is the normal recommended treatment, provided there's no serious underlying trauma or other mental illness, and you can use self-treatment books if no therapist is accessible.

It's good that your husband is able to talk about his fears with you; that means you can work together on a plan to support him through Christmas. Some ideas might be talking through the plan for the whole day and envisaging any potential triggers; agreeing that he can take a five-minute time-out if he needs to and you will come and check in with him if he's gone any longer; thinking about whether to mention his difficulties to your relatives (or say that he's been very tired or under the weather or something) to explain if he doesn't seem himself; deciding whether it would be helpful for him to have jobs to do like cooking, or if there'd be less pressure for him just chatting with the guests. He could use visualisation to go through the day in his head the night before - that way he's going into a familiar scenario and there's less potential for the stress to escalate.

You could also look up mindfulness techniques, many of which can be done anywhere at any time. If he had a couple in his pocket by Christmas he might be able to avert an episode before it develops.

I wish you both a Happy Christmas!

That said, avoidance is the very last thing anyone with anxiety should do - it just reinforces the conviction that this or that event is too difficult for them; they lose even more confidence, catastrophise normal scenarios and become isolated by their fears, growing ever more sensitive and fragile the less and less contact they have with adversity. They never get the reinforcement from realising that they can survive and overcome their anxiety.

Exactly. Very well explained. Unfortunately the very people with the bad anxiety will probably fight tooth and nail to force others to amend plans to pander to their fears, so some falling out is inevitable and some really tough love is called for. Enabling is not the same as understanding or helping.

Dont pander. He is 1 out of a family of 4.

Maybe an escape plan i.e going upstairs if it becomes too much

Also, while it's essential that he keep facing his fears, it's equally important to ensure that he can fully relax at other times so he's not existing in a state of constant tension. If he's suffering chronic anxiety he's probably in it to some degree most of the time, and that's exhausting and only reduces psychological resilience. Some good ways to relax include listening to music, yoga, spending time outdoors, exercise, meditation, art\craft, playing an instrument, and lots of sleep! He probably won't find these easy given his state of mind, so it would be great if you could encourage him or do them with him.

My DF's anxiety and various issues affected my childhood massively. Have the lunch. Give your DC a nice time with their extended family. DP can retire upstairs if/when he needs a break.

Got to agree with the majority - don't cancel having these 2 laid back ladies over for dinner, just give your partner the option to fuck off upstairs if it's all getting too much for him. Or out. Or down the garden to the shed, whatever, wherever.

Anxiety is horrible but he can't let it spoil the day for 5 other people! Not on.

Another anxiety sufferer here. I get a bit overwhelmed at large gatherings too. Some of my family are aware of my issues/some aren't, so at large family events, I sometimes go and lie down elsewhere with a 'headache' if my anxiety escalates to panic levels. Can't your DP just do the same - go and lie down with a headache if he feels really overwhelmed and distressed? Seems a bit unfair on everyone else otherwise.

He can go out for a walk. Christmas isn't all about him, it's for the children. I know how debilitating anxiety can be I had it many years ago, but I didn't let it spoil the DC's Christmas.

I rarely use this phrase but he needs to man up.

Just want to echo all what previous posters have said. I suffer terribly and actually pass out with anxiety. But avoidance makes it worse for next time.

I just ensure l have a plan of action which helps me feel in control. The fact it's at your own home means he can just go upstairs.

In this situation my plan of action would be that he is given jobs to do as a busy mind doesn't "allow" anxiety in. So setting the table, getting drinks, showing your mum the new plant in the garden etc.

Do you have set seating at the table? Even now l always ensure l can easily get out "to go to the toilet" so l know my "escape route" is clear.

Once sitting at the table as he is on the end he can be the one to get up and grab another spoon or serviette etc. The movement all helps with the jigerty feeling inside.