Cancelling Christmas lunch to curb DP's anxiety; Yea or nay?

[ChrimboBimbo]

Posting here as this concerns pretty much all of my relationships with family my members.

DP struggles with anxiety which tends to intensify around 'high-expectations' occasions such as Christmas, family holidays, social gatherings etc. So far he has managed the build-up to Christmas really well and I have been cautiously optimistic that we may avoid the overwhelm which has hit him almost every Christmas I can remember.
We have two DC, 8 and 5, both of whom are giddy with delight as the big day approaches.
We usually get together with members of my family for Christmas Day; my mum and an aunt, both of whom are fairly quiet and easy going, and aren't particularly fussed about Christmas, just enjoy a meal and a chat for a few hours. None of us drink much, so it is all quite civilised. They live nearby, so it really is just a few hours in the afternoon.
This evening DP has said that he is starting to feel like it is all going to be too much, worrying that he might feel overwhelmed with my relatives visiting. After a few minutes of listening to him sharing his concerns, I started to feel my own anxiety levels rising (I am usually very relaxed and unruffled by things), and found myself saying, feeling completely exasperated, that we should probably cancel Christmas lunch, just have a quiet meal on our own at home, and perhaps pop out to my mum's or aunt's for a cup of tea later so the DC can see their DG and DA and open their presents, or invite them over to share a cheese board later on. I suggested we sleep on it and decide tomorrow, making relatives aware of changes if necessary.
Now, having gone to bed, I am feeling annoyed and unsure what to do: I hadn't realised just how much DP's anxiety has rubbed off on me, and this has startled me a little. It felt like such a relief to say we'd cancel Christmas lunch. But I know the anxiety isn't mine, and I now feel like I have set myself up to eliminate potential stressors for DP's sake, and do myself out of what is a really enjoyable part of Christmas Day for me and the DC in the process; hanging out with DM and DA for lunch and opening presents together. If I am honest with myself, I have to admit I am feeling a little uncharitable toward DP, even though it wasn't even his idea. I'm finding myself thinking "Jeez, DP! It's one afternoon, just chill out and suck it up for me and the DC." but I know anxiety doesn't work like that, obviously.
DM and DA will most likely shrug and sort themselves out, with no hard feelings; they are, as I said, very easy going.

But I will really miss them.
How can I proceed so that everyone's needs are met to as great an extent as possible?

Great post Wasdoingfine

I have had CBT and hypnotherapy for my anxiety. It's about learning to cope with it. If I'm driving to work and the familiar feelings start, l put in the radio and sing very loudly. Anxiety can't get ahold quite as much if you're belting out a tune.

My appetite also goes when I'm bad and seeing a big plate of food turns my stomach in that situation so l'd prefer to dish my own up - again no pressure to eat loads then.

Put the drinks in the garden "to keep cold" and it is another reason to pop outside "to grab another bottle"

Ultimately l think you should continue with your plans. If it was a physical injury eg a broken leg, he would be given crutches to use and would have to make adaptations to his day to cope with having a leg in plaster.

A mental health issue needs a similar attitude of finding out what the "crutches" are to help (eg using excuses to get drinks, pop his jumper upstairs etc) and making adaptions to cope eg..sitting on the end of the table etc

It is rubbish suffering in this way and I'll never be cured of mine but l also won't let it impact on other's if there is something l can do to help control it eg.. going upstairs

Jeez, telling someone with a confirmed diagnosis to ‘man up’ is a pretty ignorant response to this situation. If someone with a broken leg felt daunted about walking downstairs, would you say the same? I think rather than cancelling, you need to spend some time talking to and reassuring your DH. What’s the worst that could happen? (eg that he could feel anxious.) If that happened, what could your DH do about it? (Go upstairs.) What will you do to help? (Tell your relatives that DH has had a headache so they aren’t aware of his anxiety) Also, let him know that you understand how he is feeling and that you are there for him. Christmas is hard for people with MH problems, they need a bit more TLC than they do at other times of the year.

Sorry, the first part of that was to Cocacolatruck and the rest was to the OP!

Good morning, and thank you all so much for your thoughts. Some really helpful reminders for me. You are right, it is of course about the children, and I find it so frustrating that it has become about DP's anxiety. DM and DA are aware of the anxiety, (as is our circle of friends) so always try to be sensitive to it. He has received counselling and is taking a very mild dose of medication for it. The advice about planning through the day and strategising around triggers is good, and we do do this around any event or occasion that feels a bit challenging. I think I just snapped a bit last night, I feel exhausted by always anticipating triggers in the run-up to big events. And evidently, I seem to be getting anxious too! I can see that pandering isn't helpful, and for most other things we just go ahead and make contingency plans to ensure minimum disruption, and ensure DP has a get-out clause he can quietly take responsibility for, or DC and I just organise to do things on our own, but this one feels different, probably because it is all supposedly about being together. It also has something to do with the actual lunch, as he said it felt less scary to invite them for a similar amount of time for a more informal cheese board, tea / coffee, presents etc. The meal represents some other level of... something.
Chances are that when we talk it through later he will say, 'Great talking it through last night, I feel more relaxed about it now, let's go ahead as originally planned' but may still suffer on the day. There's no way of holding anxiety to account.
Not looking forward to wading back into it today.

Totally agree with the others. You just acknowledge his concerns and talk through some coping strategies and maybe agree a code word/phrase he can use if he feels he needs help from you to extricate himself. You can ask him to do something somewhere else in the house then. This can provide mini respite to regrou so a full on migraine excuse isn’t needed.

He can Always go upstairs to escape. It’s quite selfish.
I think he is being extremely selfish to even draw you into this. Does he not work, does he have to avoid all social events?
Just to comment on these points. It was OP's idea to cancel, not the dp's, so he wasn't making anyone cancel anything selfishly. He also wasn't being selfish by telling his partner what he was feeling. That's what you should be able to do with your partner. And when you're anxious, yes, you do have to go to work and social events, and it can be horrible sometimes. And then you leave work, and go home and shut the door behind you, and you are in your safe, private place where you don't feel judged, or whatever you feel. That's why social events arranged in your home can be very hard to deal with. Even if he goes upstairs, he might well continue to feel judged for doing precisely that, if that is an issue for him.

I do agree with everyone else, though, that there are some things you just have to do anyway. The more you cut yourself off, the bigger a deal it gets to do anything.

OP, is there a fixed time at which your family will definitely go home? I find that can help!

I am a person who suffers from anxiety and the worst thing you can do is let him 'give in' to it. If it was me I would just end up feeling anxious I'd let people down or they were talking about me while I wasn't there. My DP wouldn't indulge me he would tell me to go and I usually do and end up really enjoying myself. If you don't go you will end up annoyed with him and the thing I know about anxiety is you have to fight it all the time otherwise it never proves you wrong. I hope that makes sense in the way I mean it!

Urgh, it is all going wrong. As predicted, he felt more relaxed about it this morning and set about making himself feel better by trying to take the lead with making some arrangements to implement the original plan. A small misunderstanding has led to a breakdown of communication, with DP feeling convinced I'm not even trying. I can't win; if I let DP get on with sorting things out the way he wants them, he feels unsupported, yet he can't let me take charge without micro-managing and nitpicking. I am now to blame for not leading firmly enough (yet when I try, I get it 'wrong'). DC1 is upset and hates Christmas.
I am so fed up.
Meh, he's just phoned, sweetness and light, asking whether to pick up a such-and-such a gift for the DCs. I feel like never speaking to him again. It's like it's all going on in his head, once he's moved on from one moment of drama, he's fine, but he can't seem to see how it impacts on the rest of us. Grr.

". A small misunderstanding has led to a breakdown of communication"

What was the misunderstanding?

He sounds like a manipulative dick to be tbh.

Don't buy the social anxiety thing at all and I dont care who that offends.

My dp can get anxious but not to this extent. I agree with pp that going along with it and trying to help him by avoiding situations just validates it and makes things worse. It's his problem- don't let him make it yours. Don't let it have an impact on the kids. It's not fair and if you feed into it the kids will pick up on it and wonder if there is something to be worried about.

Read your update. I would be very light hearted about it and say you are sticking with plan A, so everyone knows where they're up to. If he's finding it hard say you understand if he gets overwhelmed and wants to go upstairs or be on his own that's fine and get on with enjoying your day with your children and relatives. Keep it simple. If you let him take charge he will worry about every detail and complicate everything. That's how it works here anyway.

He's being rather unfair to you, isn't he.
Maybe you should, in future, write it all down and say "THIS is how it's going to be. I'm taking a FIRM LEAD and there will be no changes, UNLESS it makes perfect sense to do so, and it doesn't adversely affect anyone else".

Worth a shot, since he seems to think that he wants you to take the lead. Show him what that means and then don't back down.

It is draining and exhausting and depressing to have to constantly worry about and accommodate someone else's anxiety so you have my every sympathy op!

How many years has this been going on?

Your 8 yo hates Christmas. . I do understand about anxiety. And still, this isn’t ok. You are letting yourself be manipulated by his fears and it really isn’t good.

I think you should consider acting more as a gatekeeper for your kids and less of a therapist to your dp. He is an adult and your children are not.

Unless something changes, you and your dp risk creating the next generation of anxious adults. Does he want his kids to feel like he does? His priority really needs to be addressing his anxiety and getting a toolkit and strategies in place for when he feels overwhelmed and stop fucking with everyone’s heads.

He sounds annoying, OP.

That's not terrifically helpful, but I am here to validate your feelings

Christmas lunch: crackers, hats, roast dinner, chat. If he feels too anxious for this, then he needs to figure out how to stop that anxiety translating to the table.

I'd prefer to plan it myself, so I would make all plans known to him and then expect him to figure out how to manage himself - if that meant he had a series of time-consuming but not vital jobs to keep himself busy e.g. pouring drinks, faffing with arranging salmon on a plate, stoking the fire, whatever, then that could work.

Or if he'd prefer to plan it and you implement his plan, then do that.

But don't get drawn into a silly back and forth about who is "in charge".

Thank you, people. It is really great to hear the calm, rational view from the 'sane' side of things. I get so caught up in trying to get it right, trying to meet everyone's needs and wishes, but in 24 hours it has ALL become about DP. As Astrid upthread says, there is something of the 'tooth and nail' around his reasoning. This morning, he suggested we ask the DC how they want to do it; totally inappropriate, making them implicit in the decision making, and therefore liable to 'get it wrong', too. You're right about the gate-keeping, LittleDragon.
You're all so helpful and pointing out the obvious. I need to just make a decision and ensure we stick with it, not engage in DP's 'stuff'. The misunderstanding, as you ask, Twiney, was referring to a particular dish by a different name, thus confusing things. Really small misunderstanding, as I said... This is what got DC1 upset; aged 8, they can still see how insignificant it is, and how irrational DP is being. I oscillate between thinking 'manipulative dick' and feeling I should be a little less mean-spirited.

I think maybe after Christmas you should have a chat with your DP about this sort of thing, and how it's adversely affecting the rest of you. Your 8yo should not be getting upset over Dad kicking off over minor trivia to the point where they hate Christmas! Your DP needs to take responsibility for this, and if he needs (further?) therapy then he should seek it.

So sorry!

Blimey. Your poor DC :( I totally agree with what mummyoflittledragon says above.

Manipulative dick is my opinion. This is the lessons your dc are learning, how crap is that?
All because you have two extra people for lunch

He needs to grow up. The world does not revolve around him.

I'm sorry to say op there's two possible lessons your poor children could learn here

One is early onset anxiety all learnt from their dad

And the other is how to manipulate people and situations by announcing anxiety problems
To get a different outcome.

I don't know how you stand this in all honestly, I'm struggling not to type LTB but there I did it

For you