How do I deal with adult children who have been aggressive towards me?

[CountdowntoSanta]

My DC 20 & 18 are causing me serious grief and I need advice. I decided a few weeks ago to put my foot down and insist they tidy up after themselves, do their own laundry, not leave food lying in their rooms, turn off xbox/TV at midnight etc.

I have been repeating this for way too long, years really. Now that they are 18 & 20 I cannot stand it any longer. They were so goddam rude and dismissive of me. I didn't let up and things have been tense.

I started telling my son again and he flipped. He followed me into my room shouting and broke some things on my dressing table. I was terrified and called the police who were amazing. My son left for his father's and hasn't contacted me since and won't speak to me.

I was coming to terms with this and continued to press upon my DD 20 that I want my house treated with respect. She then flipped out, called me all the names under the sun and kicked and damaged a door.

I left their father when they were babies as he became violent when they arrived. He has caused problems over the years and regularly undermined my authority in front of my DC.

Normally I would approach my DC after a flare up but I have had it this time. I am disgusted with both of them and very upset. I left for my partners house and haven't been home for 2 days.

I am considering ignoring them completely, not putting up the Xmas tree, leaving presents for them and not engaging with them. I have never gone this far before and a bit anxious that I will inflame an already dreadful situation. I really would appreciate any advice.

Please don't flame me, I genuinely couldn't handle it.

Sorry for such a long post and thanks very much for reading

Oh god your poor thing' I'm so sorry.

You absolutely did the right thing by calling the police. I know teens and young adults can be messy, but can you pinpoint when their violent behaviour first appeared? Do you have any other family for support?

Don't leave your home! Go back, tell them to ship up or get out. Their choice, they've been told. Do no work for them, they can look after themselves. OP, you need to be strong.

God! That sounds so hard. I think a line in the sand is good - no one deserves to be treated the way they have treated you. Keep the door open for dialogue but sod the presents. Might be a rough Xmas day. The short term bit show them you won't put up with their Dad's bully tactics

I am not sure I can give advice. I have been in the same position with shouting screaming and swearing children (of similar ages to yours). Like you there is a F who I got rid of when they were young. He returned to the scene after the youngest was over 18, strangely. I am sure that was because he didn't have to pay maintenance.
I decided that this was the final straw and I have left them to their own devices now. I am no longer providing money or anything else.
It is so liberating!
I don't know how this post will be received on MN because mostly it is the parent usually mother who is a nasty person.

Sorry my phone is going weird and the autocorrect seems to have gone rogue. I hope you can get the gist of my PP

I think you should go home and tell you Dd she needs to leave in the New Year. Don't hide at your dp's house.

I'm sorry your dcs have behaved so badly. It must be very upsetting for you..

Laudanum thank you so much for posting and for kind words.

The violence first appeared as they became teenagers. I wasn't aware at the time bit it subsequently transpired that he had attacked them on a few occasions. They didn't tell me but then the police got involved and I found out.

I arranged counselling and anger management for them and although I pressed charges the PPS said there wasn't much chance of a conviction and it didn't go to court.

I never wanted him to have access to them when they were young but social services said otherwise. They never lived with him but he had access.

It's obviously a long story but I just can't accept them being violent to me. II need to put my foot down but I am scared of making things worse.

My parents and siblings all live 120 miles away. To be honest I am too ashamed to tell them what happened. They knew about everything over the years and despise EXH. I can't face telling them and my parents are now in their 80's and would be worried sick.

I get the gist thanks for posting. My instinct is to keep the dialogue open but Im still too angry with the way they treated me. I know that dialogue is the only way out of this. I have significantly reduced the presents.

User I'm sorry to hear that you have been through this too. I am jealous of you being liberated! Mothers get blamed for everything!

I am feeling very supported by all the replies, I am starting to breathe normally.

Mael thanks for the flowers. I am feeling stronger already thanks to you and everyone who posted.

Go home and keep order. The expectations you have of their behavior has changed and they need to adjust either by complying or moving out. I would tell your DS very calmly that his display of violence has greatly let you down.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Don't weaken and accept anyone being so disrespectful to you.

Want you're dead right. I will go home tm and keep order. I will not accept this level of disrespect. Thanks very much for your support.

Countdown - I am heartbroken that I don't see my DC or DGC but I have to protect myself from the abuse. I should have clamped down long years ago but we are the mothers who are told we can not hit our DC. I cant help but wonder. I knew those a little older than me who were skelped every time they stepped out of line and even as adults with children of their own they were respectful to their parents. I don't really think hitting is a good answer but I can not deny the evidence as seen by me own eyes.
I hope you find a solution to this. My DC are much older now and it is best just to stay out the way.
I would also say to you that it is likely that your own DP and Sibs are likely to know/feel that something is not right.
Good luck

Where are they both now? Where are you?

Are they independent, ie earning any wages? Because you need a break from this crap.

User i hear you. Discipline is almost illegal. When social services got involved in my family they asked my DC to tell them all the things I did that upset them which gave them a means to undermine my authority. I genuinely was not an abusive parent.

Finally the social worker left and a new one took over. The first thing she did was sit the DC down and read them the riot act and told them to never treat me like that again.

My family know things aren't right because I can't face contacting them when things go badly.

I am at my partners place, DS is at his father's and DD is at my house. Hopefully DS will stay there but it's not likely as his DF has no patience whatsoever and has assaulted DS in the past.

They are both doing courses at tech and working part time in restaurants. They don't earn enough to fend for themselves. DS finishes his course in May so after that he can work full time and rent a room.

I am telling DD to go to Council to get on housing list.

If nothing changes by this summer I am going to put my house up for rent and I will move to my partners.

I feel for you, I really do

I feel for you, I really do

They are both adults so should start acting like adults.

Thanks Liney that means a lot to me.

Mxy adults LOL. More like gigantic 3 year olds chucking a wobbler.

I have had a horrendous few weeks but the posters on this thread have been wonderful and I feel like I can face it better now.

Even massive toddlers need boundaries ... bloody big ones, by the sound of it.

Don't back down now. Insist that they earn the right to live, nicely, in your home.

They can be part of a team, or they can ship out to their father's. If he's a knob, they can get extra jobs. OR THEY CAN PLAY NICELY. You are offering something that a lot of young adults would absolutely love - good home, safe, stable.

If they were house sharing with other adults, they couldn't act as they have been.

You poor thing!!

Bless you that sounds so tough. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I think 18 and 20 are tough ages. We expect them to be out of the selfish teenage years but in reality I think many kids take much, much longer to become civilized! I wasn't a particularly bad kid or young adult, but I look back now and cringe at how inconsiderate my behavior could be, especially towards my mum. I think I was probably in my mid to late 20s before my empathy was fully developed. So don't despair, they are still young, and with fair but firm boundaries from you things may be much much better in the future.