How do I deal with adult children who have been aggressive towards me?

[CountdowntoSanta]

My DC 20 & 18 are causing me serious grief and I need advice. I decided a few weeks ago to put my foot down and insist they tidy up after themselves, do their own laundry, not leave food lying in their rooms, turn off xbox/TV at midnight etc.

I have been repeating this for way too long, years really. Now that they are 18 & 20 I cannot stand it any longer. They were so goddam rude and dismissive of me. I didn't let up and things have been tense.

I started telling my son again and he flipped. He followed me into my room shouting and broke some things on my dressing table. I was terrified and called the police who were amazing. My son left for his father's and hasn't contacted me since and won't speak to me.

I was coming to terms with this and continued to press upon my DD 20 that I want my house treated with respect. She then flipped out, called me all the names under the sun and kicked and damaged a door.

I left their father when they were babies as he became violent when they arrived. He has caused problems over the years and regularly undermined my authority in front of my DC.

Normally I would approach my DC after a flare up but I have had it this time. I am disgusted with both of them and very upset. I left for my partners house and haven't been home for 2 days.

I am considering ignoring them completely, not putting up the Xmas tree, leaving presents for them and not engaging with them. I have never gone this far before and a bit anxious that I will inflame an already dreadful situation. I really would appreciate any advice.

Please don't flame me, I genuinely couldn't handle it.

Sorry for such a long post and thanks very much for reading

If it happens please dont leave your house. Thats probably want they want so they can stay there without you interfering or adhering to your rules.

Cheese I never thought about it like that. Myself and my siblings left home and got jobs at 18/19. I am heading to work now but thanks to everyone who posted, it's so kind of you to help me.

Just a quick update to posters who really helped me. Both of them are at their dad's. I have engaged in a few text messages about stuff like keys etc but they have got the message that I am not 'for turning'.

The peace is heaven. I actually put the Xmas tree up last night and I am now on my own watching telly. I finished work yesterday - joy!

Best wishes to you all and thanks again.

I'm glad for you, OP. You have the right to live without fear in your new home.

Sounds like ex did a lot of damage. Hopefully others in abusive relationships will read this and see the consequences of staying.

It sounds like they could decide to come back so you need to have a strategy in place on how you deal with them.

Could you write them a letter? Basically setting down how much you love them, how you want the best for them and your main priority and motivation for the last 20 years has been to give them a secure and loving base, but that means a home where violence and intimidation are not tolerated. Make it clear that they will always be welcome in your home, as long as they treat it, and you, with respect, and that if they don't feel able to do that just now they have to find somewhere else to live until they've worked through whatever issues are causing the problems. And when they're ready to come back, you'll be waiting.

Can you are so right. When I read MN messages from women staying in awful situations 'for the kids' I shudder. I'm not trying to underestimate women who can't leave due to domestic violence and potentially risk their lives. I read posts where there is no domestic violence but the situation is awful and people stay together to avoid the horror of divorce. The damage is already done.

Recent research shows its not the divorce that causes the damage, its the staying together and subjecting children to dysfunctional/abusive relationships that is damaging. Children feel relieved when warring parents split.

I left when DD was one, 21 years ago, and I was pregnant with DS and I still faced threats and could not discipline my children without threats from their father. He is horrendous and it was only after I left I found out about his past. Scary!

In all fairness the police were really good. With hindsight I should have left the country. The new legislation does not protect women and children fleeing domestic violence.

My children learned at an early age that I was a pushover.

Luckily with the support of my partner I have stood up to my kids.

Before I would have crumbled. It was so shit that if I tried to discipline them, they would tell their father and he would threaten me. My children were damaged badly. My DD spent one year in a psychiatric ward.

She is doing well now but the last week rattled us all.

With my partner's support I withstood their crap and didn't try to make things better. They are showing remorse (by text) but I am not giving in.

The only way they will return is with a written contract (which won't happen). DS is incredibly stubborn but DD is showing signs of actual remorse but that's only because she has had it with her grand flounce and wants back home.

I may sound harsh but I can't keep living my life under his (and their) threat. I am ignoring them and they are starting to realise I am definitely not playing ball.

Big apols for long message. Thank you for reading.

Mollie I tried that strategy for years and it didn't work. My partner encouraged and supported me to get tough. Nice didn't work. I was too scared to lay down the law because dickhead would intervene. My DD of 5 years watched this circus for 5 years and after the last bullshit advised me to ignore them. They are still at 'super dads' but are showing signs of reconciliation but even I, people pleaser/peace maker, am not impressed and I genuinely don't want them back.

I love them but I am going to stick to my guns. Super dad didn't even contribute financially. My DD opened an email recently by mistake which was from him to a recent ex He told her he had a terminal illness and needed 3 grand.

I went to my GP, who is also his GP, and she could only say she had no knowledge of his impending demise. She also asked me if I got validation from the staff in the psychiatric hospital who saw through him very quickly.

Sorry again for the length of my post but honestly if you are like me get out and get your children away from fathers like my EXH.

I wish you all well.

You aren't being harsh at all. You are putting boundaries in place.
You have done a difficult thing and handled it really well. In the long run you are doing them a service as they now have to fend for themselves and will soon realise it's hard work being a grown up.
Well done for breaking the cycle, I hope you and your partner have a thoroughly enjoyable Christmas. You deserve it

Weez thank you so much! I am spending the day with my DP and I'm really looking forward to it.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas and best wishes for 2018!