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Original poster

Feeling indebted to a borrower friend

54 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 17:25

I've had a male friend for a number years who I was initially very close with. We were as thick as thieves. There was never a physical element to the friendship nor did he give me any inclination to think he was looking for one. He often referred to me as family.

The only 'alarm bell' I can see now was that he used to buy me presents. None of which I ever asked for. I smiled and thanked him for his kindness, but began to feel indebted. Not wanting to offend him I didn't reject the presents but I did say several times he shouldn't be spending money on me. After a while the presents stopped. I was relieved.

Fast forward to now he's fallen on hard times (relies on benefits) and he keeps hitting me up to borrow money. I was happy to help and did so for a number of months until I was no longer in a position to do so. I had to leave work to have my baby and my partner certainly wasn't going to subsidize my friends benefits with his own wages. I probably leant more often than I should and allowed it to snowball previously, because I still felt indebted to him over the years.

He's still asking to borrow money on a regular basis and I've grown anxious about staying in touch because it happens so often. I'm backwards in coming forwards and don't like saying no. I've told him multiple times that we aren't in a position to help (me 8 months pregnant and on mat leave, rent to pay, no spare money)

but the majority of the time I blank his contact as I just don't want to deal with it (I'm a coward I know!)

I'm at a point where our friendship has been soured by him leaning on me so heavily for money and I don't particularly want to be in contact any more as I feel like a cash cow. I've been blanking his messages all week since he last asked and been met with messages ranging from "fine I get it I'll leave you alone" to "are you ok????"

Would it be unreasonable of me to just block him? I don't want the heated discussion that will come from me speaking my mind. He's hot headed.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/12/2017 17:39

Has he paid back the previous loans?

Does your DH know about the loans?

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 17:44

He always paid back the loans but sometimes not within the agreed time frame. Excuses about his benefits being messed around became frequent.

Partner knows about it all and had no problem with it, until he started paying back late and I began getting annoyed with doing it

OP posts:
Ritualunion · 19/12/2017 17:45

That sounds very awkward for you. You’ve been more than patient and understanding. Even if he did give you lots of gifts, you shouldn’t have felt indebted in any way. What does he say he needs the money for, is it for day to day stuff or something else? Like gambling?

If I were you I wouldn’t block him before telling him, even if it’s by text, that him asking for you money is putting you in an awkward position and now more than ever are unable to lend him any more money. Say that you’re concerned about him and maybe needs to seek some help, whether that’s talking to someone about debt, or if there’s another problem that’s affecting his finances so badly.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 17:49

I'm pretty sure his financial struggles stem from him living beyond his means. He will squander his benefits on unnecessary purchases and doesn't budget. He has no rent to pay as the council covers the cost of his 1 bed flat.

I wish I could speak to him from a place of concern but he's a very defensive individual and wouldn't take kindly to me reccomending he budgets or gets help

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 17:51

Most of the time he doesn't tell me what he needs the money for, but sometimes he will say it's for shopping (which he should be able to buy from his benefits)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 17:52

A while ago he said he had met a woman who he later found out was taking drugs so he kicked her out. I advised him to get rid and he swears blind he has, so if she's still a factor he's not being truthful about it

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Gemini69 · 19/12/2017 17:56

His financial problems and reasons for financial problems are not your problem... he is draining the living daylight out of you and it's destroying your friendship.... end this now lovely ..

no more lending him money... just say No.. don't give a reason... just text back sorry No... no matter what his reasons are... Xmas Smile

anxiousnow · 19/12/2017 18:02

Look he didn't used to scrounge off you. It is only now he is in hard times. He was generous before. He pays you back. I would not block him or ignore him. It isn't really that hard typing that you can't afford it. I would try explaining again that you are no longer in the position to lend money and it is making you feel guilty when he keros asking. Maybe make some suggestions on how he can improve his situation. Has he changed his spending habits, trying some cheaper shops etc. It may well be far more uncomfortable for him asking to borrow the money.

PonderLand · 19/12/2017 18:06

Have you said no to him before? If you have, what was his response?

If you have never said no then I think you should do that first then if he persists cut your contact with him. You say he's been a good friend so I don't think him asking (politely?) for help should warrant you ignoring/blocking him.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 18:08

I will message him back, it just feels like it makes no difference because I've told him before that we aren't in a good financial position ourselves

He definitely doesn't feel awkward about asking me for money though and I do get the impression it's expected. There's been times he has borrowed £50 then the next day said "I need you to send me another £50"

OP posts:
PonderLand · 19/12/2017 18:09

I forgot to add that him buying you presents and living beyond his means is a bit of a red flag to MH issues. My cousin used to steal money from his (adoptive) parents to buy things for friends, he still does it now but steals from shops/work etc. He has many issues stemming from his childhood and I do think his stealing/giving stem from his MH issues.

I wonder if your friend is still giving generously to people around him, and lending money to facilitate his need to continue doing it.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 18:09

Ive said no before several times and told him I don't have any spare disposable money. I've even written him lengthy texts explaining what I have to pay out for, buy for the baby, and why I'm not able to help at the time - so I have tried to gently put a stop to it before

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 18:11

That could be the case Ponder

Perhaps he's giving excessively to the woman he got involved with, who he now claims to have cut off. He won't be straight about it though. I would one hundred percent be there for him morally if he was being taken for a ride but he won't admit that

OP posts:
ferrier · 19/12/2017 18:12

It seems obvious to me that with a baby on the way you have reduced income and increased outgoings. It should be obvious to your friend too and that makes it an ideal time to cut his dependency. Say no one more time and tell him not to ask again.

Joysmum · 19/12/2017 18:14

If he asked again just say you are embarrassed by him asking as you hate to have to say no but are on maternity and don’t have any spare cash anymore.

You can do this by text. How he responds with then provide your lead for how the friendship continues.

He won’t know there’s a problem if you can’t tell him. Text would be a good way if you aren’t confident in person.

You could also preempt him asking in future by talking to him about how you’re affected by being on maternity, and how you feel at the thoughts of having to provide for a baby.

PoisonousSmurf · 19/12/2017 18:15

Tell him that you can't and won't ever lend him money again as you now have to save up for the baby and your family's future.
YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 18:16

That's how I feel too, that he should realise I'm not the person to lean on for money right now, especially as I've explained this to him in such a long drawn out way. I never just say no, I always explain that i wish i could but why I can't.. even giving him an in depth run down of my bloody expenses so he doesn't think I'm saying no for the sake of it x

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 19/12/2017 18:17

Real friends don't ask to borrow money in the first place. Only users do that. That's why he softened you up in the first place. Leeches!

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 18:20

I hate borrowing money and as a rule I never ask my friends for a penny. In the entire time I've known him I've never asked to borrow a dime. I've got a lovely bunch of friends who I know would help me out if I was in dire straights but I still don't ask, let alone rely

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 19/12/2017 18:20

You don’t owe him anything.

Your first loss is the best one. Keep in contact with him but refuse to lend him any more money. If he asks, simply my say ‘no’ when he asks again, say ‘no’ and keep saying it. No excuses, just ‘no’

usualGubbins · 19/12/2017 18:23

I wouldnt go into details about what you need to spend your money on, just a simple no sorry I can't is enough. If he asks again, rinse and repeat until he finally gets it!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/12/2017 18:25

What gifts did he give you? And how much do you loan him?

I do think you’ve been weak. Loaning cash. You didn’t have to but you chose to. You didn’t owe him anything.

The problem is that you’ve confused things by giving him cash previously. If you’d given him nothing every time he’d slowly stop asking. So do that. Say sorry we are not in a position to help and repeat 100 times if needed. Do not give any more cash ever. Do not waver.

Or if you’ve stopped being friends, end the relationship.

Personally I’d only respond to emails that aren’t about cash. And blank the ones begging. Or if an email contains begging and friendly chat. Respond to the friendly chat and ignore the begging.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/12/2017 18:29

Why are you giving him a breakdown of your expenses. Just say you aren’t in a position to lend anyone cash.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2017 18:32

Gift: freely given item with no exception of return

Loan: freely given money with a definite expectation of return.

Giving one doesn't obligate someone to give the other.

Just because he gave you gifts doesn't mean you are obligated to loan him money if it is not convenient for you to do so. Just tell him politely that the First Nation Bank of BFF is closed.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 18:43

Regarding his gifts to me in the past:

He gifted me his old mobile phone when he upgraded one year. Has bought me a pair of boots and a bag at Christmas (they were about £20 each from amazon). Little bath bomb sets which cost around £10 as he knew i liked my smellies. Little trinkets like key rings. He also bought me a virtual reality headset for my phone on my birthday a couple of years ago which cost about £100 and a winter jacket from Amazon that was £24.99 he said. All very thoughtful and kind gifts which I was absolutely touched to receive and extremely grateful for, though they were never expected.

I always bought him gifts in return for Christmas and his birthday.

Its because his gifts were so kind and unexpected I feel indebted to this day. I'm a real softie deep down.

On to the loans he's had:

It started off as £20 here and £30 there, then crept up to £50 a time, then he would ask for £90 or £100. I always got it back and genuinely didn't mind helping him, it became second nature. Many times after borrowing 80-100 from me he'd hit me up the next day or a few days later and ask to borrow more. Eventually he started paying me back late. The day he was supposed to return my money would arrive and I wouldn't hear from him all day, then the next day he would say his benefits weren't paid in to his account and that he would pay me back the next week. That's when I started getting a little reluctant, coupled with the fact my pregnancy was progressing and me and partner were about to move house.

Over the past few months he has been asking more and more. After I've said I can't help and why he's said ok no problem, then a day or two later he began hinting again. Usually when he starts hinting I stop engaging, but then he will call me on the telephone and outright ask. Our conversations were no longer generalised and always focussed around money, and his lack of it. He stopped asking how I am, instead just asking for money.

I've been crystal clear recently that our financial situation isn't all that rosy and we have to budget hard ourselves for the baby, it makes no difference and he still asks regularly. The last time he asked was on Sunday and I've been ignoring him since then.

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