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Original poster

Feeling indebted to a borrower friend

54 replies

Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 17:25

I've had a male friend for a number years who I was initially very close with. We were as thick as thieves. There was never a physical element to the friendship nor did he give me any inclination to think he was looking for one. He often referred to me as family.

The only 'alarm bell' I can see now was that he used to buy me presents. None of which I ever asked for. I smiled and thanked him for his kindness, but began to feel indebted. Not wanting to offend him I didn't reject the presents but I did say several times he shouldn't be spending money on me. After a while the presents stopped. I was relieved.

Fast forward to now he's fallen on hard times (relies on benefits) and he keeps hitting me up to borrow money. I was happy to help and did so for a number of months until I was no longer in a position to do so. I had to leave work to have my baby and my partner certainly wasn't going to subsidize my friends benefits with his own wages. I probably leant more often than I should and allowed it to snowball previously, because I still felt indebted to him over the years.

He's still asking to borrow money on a regular basis and I've grown anxious about staying in touch because it happens so often. I'm backwards in coming forwards and don't like saying no. I've told him multiple times that we aren't in a position to help (me 8 months pregnant and on mat leave, rent to pay, no spare money)

but the majority of the time I blank his contact as I just don't want to deal with it (I'm a coward I know!)

I'm at a point where our friendship has been soured by him leaning on me so heavily for money and I don't particularly want to be in contact any more as I feel like a cash cow. I've been blanking his messages all week since he last asked and been met with messages ranging from "fine I get it I'll leave you alone" to "are you ok????"

Would it be unreasonable of me to just block him? I don't want the heated discussion that will come from me speaking my mind. He's hot headed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 18:45

He knows my personality type is one of a people pleaser and I do believe he tries to take advantage of that. He knows I struggle with boundaries and always tries to push them. He knows me inside out actually and knows full well I'm a soft touch that's why he asks me and probably nobody else.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 19/12/2017 18:46

This is no friendship OP.
Do you know why he is constantly in debt and unable to manage his finances?
It is unfair for you to be under this pressure from him.
I know you don't want to,but you must tell him how you are feeling and that his requests have to stop.
Suggest charities that can help him with his financial concerns.
If he then continues to ask for money you will have to decide whether you need him in your life.
You and your baby and partner come first.
I hope it works out well.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 19/12/2017 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/12/2017 18:51

I never just say no, I always explain that i wish i could but why I can't.. even giving him an in depth run down of my bloody expenses so he doesn't think I'm saying no for the sake of it

No wonder he keeps asking. You say no and then kind of go on about how much you would like to lend him money!

This time say no properly. Don't say you would like to lend to him but can't. Just say you won't be lending any more from now on.

"Hi CF, sorry for not responding to your messages. I got myself into a bit of a state thinking you were only contacting me for another loan. DH and I have agreed we won't be lending to anyone anymore because we can't afford it. I got worried that it would be awkward if you asked again and I had to refuse again. Give me a ring for a chat whenever you like, so long as it's not for a loan, ha ha!"

EssentialHummus · 19/12/2017 18:51

“John sorry I’ve not been in touch but tbh I can’t lend you any more money what with baby on the way now. Didn’t know how to tell you, though I know I should have said something sooner. Anyway, hope to see you soon. Do you want to do (free thing) on (day)?”

GottadoitGottadoit · 19/12/2017 19:00

You are definitely making it sound like you want to be able to lend him money. He is hoping to guilt trip you.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 19/12/2017 19:16

It's true I make it worse for myself, it seems to be an auto reaction on my part. I have got more firm though the past couple of times before the last time he asked, on Sunday.

I think the fact he wants to guilt trip me says alot about our friendship in general to be honest. I wouldn't want to guilt trip my friends

OP posts:
Cheeseislife · 19/12/2017 19:35

I think you need to just state "I'm not comfortable or able to keep lending you money. You are stressing me out and a friend shouldn't do that so kindly don't ask me again". If he does then NC and no guilt on your part as you warned him!

Gemini69 · 19/12/2017 22:05

He wears you down... and you give in every single time... which is why he keeps on at you just wearing you down...

look at it another way..... how would you feel if a friend kept doing this to your Husband ? would you be happy that he is explaining your every private financial detail to justify why you cannot lend any more and then hand it over anyway ? WTAF Xmas Hmm

Cricrichan · 20/12/2017 00:03

That's so weird to be constantly in debt but be able to pay you back. Tell him no next time otherwise he'll keep.doing it and it seems to be increasing so you're not doing him any favours either.

The gifts he gave you were extravagant for just a friend! He's probably gifting to someone else now which is why he has no money.

Mxyzptlk · 20/12/2017 00:17

Say no one more time and tell him not to ask again.

^^ Just that. No explanation needed. He's had all that already.

bunbunny · 20/12/2017 00:50

Turn it all completely around. Contact him and ask if you could borrow some money. I know you don't need to but make it a small amount - and just explain it as you need it because you're now on maternity leave and don't have the money you used to.

If he's asking you for money then chances are he won't be able to lend it to you.

If he does manage it by some odd chance, keep it in your bag and pay him back in a week's time or whenever you agree to, no need to use the actual money (although if you are paying cash back maybe sensible to change the actual notes so he doesn't spot that you've not used the actual notes!)

Hopefully asking him if you can borrow some money will make him stop and realise that if you are asking him to borrow money then you won't have any money to lend.

And next time he asks to borrow - say funny you should mention that, I was just going to ask you the same thing...

Lefty1 · 20/12/2017 00:58

😂😂😂 @bunbunny omg that is genius

Isetan · 20/12/2017 01:46

The dynamics of this ‘friendship’ are off and not asserting yourself has been a major contributor to that. It’s time to either set some boundaries and if you won’t, end contact.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/12/2017 05:02

He is using you. The gifts were a manipulation-gifts can be tricky.
Tell him to use someone else.

acatcalledjohn · 20/12/2017 05:40

"I cannot lend you money and no amount of asking or begging is going to chance my financial situation. You need to stop asking me for money."

Iflyaway · 20/12/2017 05:58

He has no rent to pay as the council covers the cost of his 1 bed flat.

How the fuck does that work?!

Obviously, he thinks the world (and you) owe him a living.

Dump him! Save the money you would give him for your pension. You will thank your future self.

He is NOT a friend.

Wallywobbles · 20/12/2017 06:02

I had a friend like this. I left her live and her Dd live with us until the situation got to a point where her being there meant my kids were suffering financially. It was horrid.

I said to her that I would help her how I could but if she asked me to lend her money that would be the end of our friendship.

I think you need to lay it out in those terms. Happy to feed the odd meal but no more lending money. And if you ask again that's the end of our friendship.

Thebluedog · 20/12/2017 07:45

Love the idea of next time he asks just say ‘I was just about to ask you for some too as I’m skint dent being on mat leave’ Grin

Joysmum · 20/12/2017 10:51

I wish I’d thought to turn the situation around and reply that you were just trying to ask him the same thing! That’s genius 👍

TheVeryHungryDieter · 20/12/2017 11:34

It seems to me that you need strategies for saying no.

Practising typing "No, sorry." When it starts to look normal to you, send that.

If he calls you on the phone and asks outright for money, say "No, sorry." AND THEN STOP AND COUNT SILENTLY TO 30. (Practise saying this out loud until it doesn't sound alien to you.) when you see his number flash up, pour yourself a big glass of water. Say "no, sorry" and start drinking so that you physically can't try to fill the silence, or explain or justify or anything else.

Stop trying to find the right words to make him understand how stressful this is for you. He's HEARD your explanations. He's not interested in listening to your explanations again. He's just waiting for you to stop talking so he can put in the request for money again.

It might just be helpful for you to block his number for a while, like 6 weeks or so. Give you some breathing space to not think about the requests. Say you're having phone issues and calls/texts aren't getting through, if you bump into him in person.

cecinestpasunepipe · 20/12/2017 12:41

Oh my God, I had a friend like that, always on the scrounge for loans, and when she (mostly) paid me back, made me feel like she was doing me a favour, or that I was being unreasonable accepting the repayment. When my DH died she didn't come to his funeral, because she had a headache! I had half expected that she wouldn't come as she asked me for a lift, which I had refused, as I needed to be with family. Three days later she was asking for a loan again. When I finally cut her out of my life, I got the most vituperative message accusing me of all sorts, and whining about my "privileged background" - I had had to stop working as support staff in a school to care for DH, so my income was carer's allowance, and then later my pension, so not exactly rolling in money. It was so over the top that it was funny. It's been a year now that we are nc, and it is like a huge burden has fallen from my back.

Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 20/12/2017 20:52

I agree that him buying me gifts before seemed extravagant for a friend. I wasn't particularly comfortable about it and did say he shouldn't be spending money on me. I was relieved when that stopped. At no point had he ever made any moves or tried leaving the friend zone though, so I assumed that being generous by nature was just his way back then. Family he called us.

He's text me again today asking if he's done something to offend me, I haven't replied yet but I will.

Yeah about the council paying his rent. I do often think he feels like the world owes him a favour. He lives in a one bedroom flat and because he's on benefits he gets help with the rent, as the rent is low he has no top up to pay.. so he lives rent free. Literally.

There are many more deserving people than him. The disabled and vulnerable, people with disabled children, carers, people with significant MH issues, others who are genuinely unable to work - he on the other hand is perfectly fit for work but simply put can't be arsed.

I know him well enough to know there's nothing wrong with him as we were very close until recently, so please don't think I'm being overly harsh on a vulnerable person. He is just lazy and spends all his time online watching movies all night and chatting to people on the net, online shopping then sleeping all day long because he's stayed up until 5-6am in the morning.

He was claiming a higher rate of benefits until recently (god knows how as there's nothing wrong with him he joked as much - so there was probably a level of dishonesty involved) but the DWP have clearly twigged on and said he's not entitled to be on those benefits and have made him claim universal credit for able people who need to be actively job seeking.

He's always been careless with his spending. Buying alot of unnecessary purchases online and splurging on 'luxuries' like expensive gadgets and so forth. It would appear he's still trying to maintain the same level of spending despite his benefits being cut, the other week he was saying he was waiting for the Amazon courier to arrive with some special edition cigarette lighter that cost twenty odd quid. I don't know anyone on benefits who can justify spending that on a bloody lighter.

That is the reason for his sudden struggles but I find it hard to sympathise having worked my butt off since my mid teens, and seen relatives with serious MH issues manage to hold down jobs. I have nothing but sympathy for people who want to work but are genuinely restricted and aren't able to, people like him don't get the same consideration from me and my patience has worn thin.

I should probably vent this to him instead, but I'm quite the wall flower in reality. That coupled with the fact he was once a good friend to me I feel terrible about piping up.

Christ cecine she sounds awful no wonder you're glad to be rid of her. How insensitive

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbleweeds24 · 20/12/2017 20:55

Love the suggestion to turn it around on him and ask him for money, genius

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 20/12/2017 21:08

But doesn't he realise that if he works he Will earn more than his current benefits and have more to spend. Has he always been this lazy.

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