Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sod it! May have to meet the ILs!

40 replies

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 16:38

Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh! 17 years! 17 bloody years of blessed NC with StonerSIL and PoisonousSIL and nigh on none with BoneHeadBIL.

Then StonerSIL gets in touch. Turns out it was her birthday and she got so pissed she just had to contact DH and suggest a family get together this Christmas, chez Poisonous and BoneHead. They wouldn't dream of coming to see us in our new house, of almost 4 years, 10 years in the last one and they didn't get to visit us at all!

So, despite it being unlikely to happen, they'll just forget or will call late one afternoon and be surprised we ain't driving, I am giving it head room! what to wear; how to cope with the insufferably snide comments; could I respond honestly? and all that good stuff.

I had hoped we would never have to have any contact ever again. DH has long stopped initiating contact and seems happier for it. I dread to think how snarky he will be - they do seem to deliberately set out to hurt his feelings!

So... what do I want? Erm... just a bit of a hand hold I suppose Smile

Or maybe just to say FUCK YOU out loud? Xmas Grin

OP posts:
PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 16:52

That is absolutely shit. Why do these estranged family Members like to rear their ugly beads at Xmas time? They're so false wanting a happy lil family at Christmas but I bet you'll not see sight nor sound of them the rest of the year!! Xmas Angry

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 16:52

heads* that should say

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:00

It is crap. But, to be utterly honest, DH is almost looking forward to going and forcing them to acknowledge that I have started a really successful business - they have said nothing, despite my having been a bit high profile recently, and PoisonousSIL stalking my business website (not sure she understands about data capture Smile )

It'll be fine... it'll cause an argument but we will, as usual, survive it!

I just don't like the 'me' that is floating round in my head at the moment: snide, snobby, superficial and just unpleasant!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 17:01

How did StonerSIL get in touch with you people at all?.

It probably won't happen anyway but I would not be at all available to them if and when they show up. You do not have to answer the door to any of them. This is (a poisoned chalice of) an invite; not a summons.

ItsYuleyme · 19/12/2017 17:04

No way would I meet these people after all these years!
Why are you even contemplating it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 17:04

"But, to be utterly honest, DH is almost looking forward to going and forcing them to acknowledge that I have started a really successful business"

He is making a mistake here.

It sounds like he is trying to seek their approval and perhaps still has some FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re them as well. Its not going to work because they are not interested in any of you. By going at all you will simply undo all the progress you have made by being no contact with these people; it will simply put you and him back to square one again. Not to say your own resentment of your DH for also putting you back in their sights in the first place and in their own home.

MrsMozart · 19/12/2017 17:08

To use a MN oft used phrase "No" is a complete sentence...

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:09

Oh, you'll laugh... I've had the same mobile number since 1996... no intentions of changing it. She texted me, I forwarded it to DH, she ignored him for 3 days - I quote "too drunk to speak".

They won't come here. We'll be summonsed, last minute, if at all, and PoisonousSIL will make it clear it is a heavily begrudged invitation.

In my mind I have all sorts of scenarios, none of which show me in a good light. That's the bit I hate. I'll go, DH will need the support and, after PoisonousSIL made herself look silly in her last second scramble to get out of the AussieAunty inspired family visit just after we moved here, I will get some (evil) satisfaction not bottling it in return Smile

Why is it we can be such sad pillocks when it comes to family?

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:14

Attila he does indeed have some remaining FOG. He knows that nothing he can say or do will make any difference, but hasn't quite got to the point of just not caring. He has been the family scapegoat for far too long.

He knows he puts me in the firing line too, we have had that discussion. He suspects they just won't ring. We will deal with it should it happen. Hopefully DH will see the kind of sense he is currently talking... but StonerSIL is his weak spot! We shall see!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 17:15

Why may I ask did you forward her text to your H at all?. What came over you?!.

No good will come of putting either of you in their firing lines particularly within their own environment. Do not do this to yourselves by attending. Its not a summons after all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 17:18

They want to keep him as their family scapegoat as well; this in turn means that you as his wife are also scapegoated by them. I think you realise that as well.

What happens as well post this visit?. You'll be left to pick up his pieces again.

Deal with it by not attending; if he does go then he goes into that lion's den on his own. No good will come of any visit to these disordered of thinking people.

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:19

Why? Because she is his sister and his to deal with. I don't make his decisions re his family, just as he doesn't make them for me with mine (equally but differently odd). He's a grown up, he'll sort it out his own way!

Having read and posted this I think I may have realised... I really don't care! How odd! I thought I'd have more trepidation. A few years ago (before I resigned from teaching) this would have absolutely floored me!

Crikey, I grew up when I wasn't looking Smile

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/12/2017 17:21

I'd have deleted..then blocked her. I think you've caused this tbh.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/12/2017 17:22

Are they likely to be wanting a loan, if you're doing well? (Love the fact she's been looking at your site Grin)

Nomoretears56 · 19/12/2017 17:23

Text them back...."Na can't be arsed, fuck off".

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:24

I do that when it comes to his DF - I am NEVER going there again! He spends about 4 hours a year making an effort for his DF.

You are right, I do know! It's been like that since I was about 19. But we have had it all worked out between the 2 of us since way before MILs death. Whatever decision we make, should that all come, I suspect DH might just find it a bit odd/bemusing rather than troublesome this time!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 19/12/2017 17:24

Is there any reason you just can't say, "sorry, busy," or "no inclination", or fuck off

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:28

Sandy thanks for that Grin Not sure how that works, I treat DH like a grown up and I get the blame for his family being mad as a box of frogs. Nope! That does not compute.

Disguise The last couple of times BIL has contacted DH has been to tap him for a loan, HUGE amounts of money too! They are utterly shameless. Then again that bare faced cheek is one of the reasons DH is beginning to see them as funny ha ha! rather than feeling the need to gain their approbation!

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:32

Mix Morbid curiosity? A sense of the ridiculous?

DH has not said he wants to go, he really doesn't expect to get any more communication. My OP was just about how the whole idea of it made me feel.

It might read as though I am being a bit defensive or stupid... but replying to your posts has made me realise that it doesn't hurt any more, they are just 'somebody that I used to know'.

I will have a chat with DH, I suspect he may be in much the same head space!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 17:35

"Why? Because she is his sister and his to deal with. I don't make his decisions re his family, just as he doesn't make them for me with mine (equally but differently odd). He's a grown up, he'll sort it out his own way!"

Problem with this approach however is that he is still mired in his own FOG re them. He is not a grown up nor their equal in their eyes. He cannot and perhaps equally will not deal with them because of this. He is still very much their scapegoat and will again be treated as such by them.

crackerjacket · 19/12/2017 17:39

StonerSIL... We all have one!

Mine is currently trying to get opium off the Dark Web....

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:53

Mm! Edifying conversation with him (him with sharp knife in one hand, chicken breast and bacon in the other). He really doesn't expect to get a call. If they do he will invite them here, no problem we have beer and nibbles. They won't accept, they have dogs, something in the oven, a hangnail. We will go there, say hello, pass some time inanely and then leave.

He has no intention of playing happy families or trying to rekindle some real relationship with them. He just wants to be polite, not see himself as as much of a dickhead as he thinks his DB is. Mainly he wants to see StonerSIL and she doesn't drive, so, as they won't bring her here, we shall go there... or he will if I don't want to go.

So yes, I am worriting over nothing much. He has a pretty good handle on it.

I was right to treat him like an adult - should have done the same to myself and stopped overthinking it Xmas Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:55

crackerjacket Really!!!! Holy Thing!

I think ours just smokes these days (though she was into everything 'back in the day') and drinks to massive excess. I would anticipate her being a bit paranoic after so long smoking weed of some description every day.

OP posts:
DenPerry · 19/12/2017 18:09

Hey OP, random question but how can you see she visits your website? I am always stalking... GrinBlush

Original poster
CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/12/2017 07:25

Den I have data capture settings on parts of it, to see who looks but does not buy. So, as she started to look at some of the sign up stuff she left enough of a cookie trail to be identified. It doesn't leave name and address but does keep the email address if you don't complete a transaction. We live quite rurally and my business is quite niche. No one from her location would really have need of my services, nor need to look all that often [simile]

That's one of the 'dangers' of Google etc. You leave a trail wherever you go!

OP posts: