Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DP's mother dying

41 replies

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 15:21

Please bear with me. It's quite long and I don't want to dripfeed. So my DP's mother is probably a day or two away from the end of her life. We've been together ten years and I have a terrible relationship with his family and have been NC for 2 years now - mainly because they hated me, would badmouthe me, exclude me from things and my DP who is very close to them and runs around after them did very little to back me up as well as spending s lot of time with them weekly. It put a lot of stress on our relationship and the end point was 2 years ago when his father died and I took 3 weeks unpaid leave to help only to be subjected to cold shouldering and his mother screaming at me.

Since then I have always said I will not attend anyone's funerals, birthdays or anything. I still am going to keep to this but if I'm honest I'm surprised at my own reaction of just feeling a bit meh about what I know is the end point of an old woman and that does make me feel a bit sad. I'm not this person that's so cold hearted. I'm not sure what this even says about the future of our relationship to be honest. My DP has had less to do with his family recently but obviously he will now be ensconced with helping them and funeral arrangements and part of me just thinks well I'm not going - and he is fine with that - but I may as well go away on holiday and really I'm not even sure I care how he feels.

I don't really know why I'm posting. I suppose because maybe I am not a very nice person.

OP posts:

Poshindevon · 19/12/2017 15:47

Cant say I blame you. Just because some one is dying they dont suddenly become a saint and its hard to forgive and forget the hurtful things they have said and done in the past.
If you dont want to go to the funeral then dont. That does not mean your not a nice person.
Once the funeral is over and everything calms down you and DP may finally have time together hopefully to work things through.

bellsandwhistles89 · 19/12/2017 15:52

If you didnt like the woman then thats fine but surely you would go and support your husband who is still losing his mother?

This to be honest sounds like you have already checked out of your relationship and the meh feeling is because you dont really care enough about your husband anyway...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 16:54

That's a bit harsh! My ILs treated me badly and yet, when MIL died, it was me that stepped up and helped DH organise what needed to be sorted.

I wanted bugger all to do with it, would happily have stepped away, but decided to do everything from coroner to crematorium with DH, mainly to put paid to the incessant whining from the ILs. All they had to do was arrange the disposal of her ashes... and eventually BIL did the one thing his DM would NOT have wanted (had her ashes buried with her DFs) and even invited her hideously abusive ex to the 'ceremony'.

It is possible to hate the situation and your DHs predicament / lack of coping mechanism and still love them and help them through shitty times!

LesisMiserable · 19/12/2017 17:08

My ex was meh about my mother dying too. He was a selfish cunt though. If you're not one, stop this awful fucking chat about going on holiday and support your partner as he loses his last remaining parent. Not hard is it. This isn't about YOU.

ChinwagCharlieBear · 19/12/2017 17:08

I think the bit about you not caring how your DP feels speaks volumes.

His mum has just died, do you feel any sort of sympathy at all towards him?

I think it is fair enough not going to your MILs funeral if your feelings are justified but the not caring about him doesn't seem right.

Unless you have just worded it clumsily? It would be cruel to go on holiday and leave him to deal with things on his own, this will be a time when he needs you the most.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 17:11

You don't care how your partner feels when his mother is dying?

That is inhuman.

Original poster

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 17:17

Fair enough. I think you're right I've probably checked out. Have to say they were appalling to me when they were alive and I'm not sure I can bring myself to either mourn them or help my DP who stood by and did very little.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 19/12/2017 17:20

Then you need to tell him now that you cannot support him through this because you no longer love him as you should and the relationship is ending. I would have much preferred my ex to be honest instead of an awful empathy-vacuum.

LesisMiserable · 19/12/2017 17:21

Listen, his family are all going to hate you, but they maybe do anyway by what you say so ...meh....

Original poster

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 17:22

I have actually told him that. Numerous times in the last year But he thinks we can work through it. Maybe now he will see that we can't. To be honest I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't care about my in laws or my partners feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 17:24

The thing is I would not go to this funeral regardless because they wouldn't want me there as they've made clear numerous times in the past but also because deep down I know my partner wouldn't want me there. For years he kept me separate from his family and when I insisted on coming and helping at home when his father died and his family behaved in the way he did he also said it would be better for me not to come to avoid their wrath. I think to be honest a part of our relationship died then.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 19/12/2017 17:27

So write him a letter reiterating it. And block his number. Maybe its the only way left. Fwiw that is exactly what my ex did to me. It was cowardly and cold but it was effective. For me at least. A month later I met my now DH and I'm happy and hopefully he is too, he doesn't deserve it but I'm a good person and I wish him well. Seriously, strike whilst the iron is hot. It will hurt but the processing time for him will come way down in the big scheme of things.

LesisMiserable · 19/12/2017 17:28

Not always families and partners fit, even less so when they dont want to. It is what it is.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/12/2017 17:36

Well, as he is a DP, not a DH, you could just walk away.

Don't let anyone tell you what you should do. Do what is best for you in the long run. And yes, if that means using his DMs death as the catalyst for leaving him... do it!

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 17:38

Are you feeling down at all OP?

Original poster

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 18:28

I have been feeling really depressed in the last year or so but actually recently I've been feeling much better in that I just feel apathetic and so at least not sad and upset. I know why I have been feeling sad and it's about my Dp and how he's treated me and I've just found that he doesn't change even though he says he will and he's relentless when I try and break up with him and so I've sort of got used to now just do existing but not really giving a monkey about anything he does or happens to him.

OP posts:

BuckingFrolicks2 · 19/12/2017 18:34

it reads like your DP is actually more like a stranger to you than a DP - like if I heard an aquaintance's mum was dying, I'd feel momentarily sad for them and then move on with my life.

Ellisandra · 19/12/2017 18:45

His family didn't like you, and when his father died you "insisted"on going to their home to help them, and a time when everyone was grieving and emotions would run high. No surprise that went badly.

Taking 3 weeks annual leave too - many close blood relatives with fantastic relationships don't take 3 weeks of leave to support family.

What on earth was going on there?! That sounds like fault on both sides - you don't "insist" on helping a grieving family.

Look, you don't like him or his family. It sounds like a split from him is long overdue. Sounds like last time you tried to force your way in, and this time you're forcing your way out. Which is much the better plan.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 19:13

Lacking empathy is quite often a sign of depression. As is not feeling anything.

Do you support OP? Family that can help you through,

It sounds like your DP will have to find support from his own family. Do you share a home?

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 19:15

Do you have support? That should read

Original poster

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 21:09

It seems I can't do right for doing wrong. After going out with my DP for 8 years I felt that I should go and support him although he was too weak to stand up to his family when I was there. And In some cultures it is normal to take 3 weeks off when someone dies. Well now I am just not bothered. Harsh but true.

Hello blacktea we no longer share a home as I decided to move out a while ago to get some space. Not much support from my family but I do feel much better than I have in a long time.

OP posts:

allibaba · 19/12/2017 21:50

Where you could be me almost 2 years ago. I went low contact with my in laws 18 months before my MIL died, I probably saw her maybe 3 times in the last year of her life. When my FIL passed I hadn't seen him in 15 months and did not visit him as he was dying in hospital. I went to both funerals as I wanted to support my DH but I did not mourn their passing.

I have suffered from bouts of depression since, a lot of it beyond my own comprehension as I did not grieve for them in anyway. I did a lot of my grieving when they were alive, for the in laws I had thought I would get and never did. I married into a very fucked up narcissistic bunch of bastards who made my life miserable for many many years - it still surprises me how sane my DH is.

People can call you heartless but you have to protect yourself as well as help your DH. Would you're being there change anything? Would the wider family still treat you with contempt?

All you can do is be there for your DH when he needs you and seek out the help you both might need so you can come to terms with what has happened. Cruise Bereavement were excellent to us and helped a lot. Be kind to yourself and to the other posters - don't judge until you have been in this situation. Some people, some families are poison and will never change.

Original poster

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 22:17

Yes I have to agree alli. I can see why other posters might think I am awful because it does sound awful to say you don't have much feeling towards someone dying or towards your partner and how they might feel. But I was so shocked and taken aback by how they behaved both before, during and the years after my DP's father passed. I know that to go now would not just be hypocritical but it would serve no purpose - I don't want to go and they wouldn't want me there and be nasty about it too even though I would be there for my DP (as happened last time) and to be honest I don't accept how my DP treated me before which also made me see his true colours. The last time they were happy to treat me as a skivvy, washing all the sheets, doing the cooking, taking stuff to the laundrette and cleaning and yet at the same time hurled abuse. 2 years ago I thought never again when it was still continuing and I am sticking to it. It feels good just to be able to say that all on here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whereiswinter2017 · 19/12/2017 22:19

I have to say now my DP is back there I am not sure I will even hear from him ever again. Apart from a message this morning he hasn't contacted me at all and I have not him. They did much to try and break us up and now that he is back I have no doubt he will probably listen to them and think our relationship is not worth the hassle of losing his family and I have to say I probably agree with that. It would be a relief in a way if I never heard from him.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 19/12/2017 23:01

He probably has his mother on his mind first and foremost.

Flip

1 2