Help needed to go no today.....

[Cupoteap]

So just had a very hard call with bf and I need to give him space today but my instinct is the complete opposite. In fact I have made a bit of a twat of myself last night.he was meant to come over and didn't hear anything from him, I can't bear to look and see how many calls and messages I sent. So after he hung up on me today, I called back (I know) and left a message to say I won't call or text today. So instead I will post here.

Was it a hard phone call because he's annoyed about the number of texts and calls you made to him? What was his reason for not coming over, or at least letting you know why he wouldn't make it?

He's tired of fighting and didn't want to come over and fight again.

We've had a tough weekend, he had disclosed something about me to someone else that I wasn't happy about. He says he didn't know it was a secret, I feel it should have been obvious.

We don't see each other often due to our respective living situations and it wasn't our weekend.

But yes the volume is a problem

He went to sleep - how does he do that? I've not slept got about 3 hours.

I wasn't going to argue last night, I wanted us to have a nice evening. I needed a nice evening as much as he did.

I just don't want to lose him. I'm scared

How often do you fight? Sounds like he will keep staying away if he just thinks you both fight all the time. Men sometimes deal with things differently to us, somehow manage to not worry quite as much and can sleep (totally understand why you didn't sleep!). You probably need to give him the space today, he won't appreciate if you don't give him the space. When you say he disclosed something about someone else that you weren't happy about, do you mean that you already knew and didn't think he should be telling you? I tell my DP everything and he would tell me everything too, it's not going to go further than us.

Sounds like you may have some sorting out to do with him. You sound pretty young?! Sorry if I have that wrong.

Wish I were young! I just can't stop myself from doing it. I was in an abusive relation from my teens, I married him and only got divorced last year. I'm not sure I have learnt to to be normal!

I'm really sorry to hear that. Does your current DP know about your past?

Yes he does, he's been great literally a knight in shining armour.

The secret was something from my past that he told someone else - I reacted badly very emotionally.

Thank you for talking to me

constantly contacting a man in my experience is not a good idea.

mix that in with negative contact and it gets 100% worse.

Sending one text to someone is adequate. If they don't reply you don't text again. You don't own someone in a relationship, and they have a choice to reply or not.

I'm guilty of constant texting and calling - it drove my ExP away. I understand the panic and anxiety that builds up when they dont reply!!

Turn your phone off today, turn it back on about 7/8.

Wait for him to contact you

Wish I could turn it off but need it on cause of the kids.

I turned it off on Saturday when I was upset and it's the first time I've done it - it did feel good.

I know I've taken an unhealthy turn and really want to sort myself out.

He went away in October and my phone hardly left my hand waiting for him to call - I'm such a saddo

you're not a saddo at all !

It's perfectly normal after an abusive relationship to have what's called an "anxious attachment style"- "a person high in attachment anxiety worries that a partner will not be available in times of need. An anxious person makes insistent attempts to obtain reassurance and love from others, partly because of the person’s self-doubts about his or her worthiness. Anxiously attached people are preoccupied with rejection fears"

You sound like you may benefit from counselling - is that an option for you?

I remember sitting in my flat over summer crying because my ExP didn't text back in a certain amount of time - i thought all sorts - he was with his ex, he met someone else, he was bored of me.

It's taken me 4 months of counselling to realise how these thoughts were a reflection of how I was feeling.

it is difficult for partners of anxiously attached people - it makes them feel very trapped. which is why your partner probably hung up. don't take that personally - it's a reaction to your ACTIONS, which can change. He loves you as a person, when you next get in touch maybe have a conversation where you realise your issues, ask what HE needs (i.e. what makes you feel uncomfortable?), and say you will be seeking to change this.

My thoughts are with you , its so difficult after a shit relationship!

Write his number down on a piece of paper, hide it somewhere, and delete it from your phone. He can still reach you but you won't be able to message him or ring him first. Delete social media apps from your phone for a while so you don't reach out via message either.

I will say though, yes give him some space, contacting more is only gonna inflame the situation right now. But over time have a bit of a think about whether you're compatible in terms of your attachment and conflict resolution approaches. I'm someone who likes to approach to sort things through and it's been very painful for me being with someone who wants to stonewall me and go distant to sort their own emotions. That's not really very compatible. I think it's cruel to go distant without letting the other person know 'I need a bit of space for a couple of days but I'll get in touch Tuesday and we can talk, okay? I love you' or whatever, when they know how incredibly difficult it is for someone who wants to make things right to just step back and deal with an indefinite period of time not knowing when it'll end.

Anyway the best thing here is to completely respect his wish for space and do what I said above. But don't get stuck thinking 'omg what if he doesn't want me?', think carefully at this time about whether YOU want to be with him. Does the relationship make you happy? Is there constant arguments? Drama? Can you ever talk through problems and resolve them? Does he often want space and you find yourself miserable for days?

Thank you Eddie that made me cry 😢

There was an issue in Oct and I think it's affected me more than I realised and I've struggled to come back from it

The one thing most certain to drive him away is being needy.
Calling and texting all the time.
If someone did this to you what would you think?
It's not good so please stop it!

What sort of issue in October?

How did the row go from him betraying your confidence and letting you down, into him "needing space"? You're the injured party - did he apologise or seem upset that he had done so?

And how does him standing you up without a word become this? Maybe you called too much, but he just didn't turn up. That's incredibly rude and worrying.

And how does him standing you up without a word become this? Maybe you called too much, but he just didn't turn up. That's incredibly rude and worrying.

Just going on my lunch now - this is a time I would contact Him or see him for lunch.

The hardest will be journeyhome tonight we always talk then.

Gonna have chips to keep me distracted!

Chips haven't helped.

Just had a thought when do I contact him? Do I just wait forever to see if he ever rings me again?

cup, are you looking for responses to read and consider/respond to or would you prefer just to be able to post and not be given advice? You can use this for whatever you need, but it'd be helpful to know so that people aren't posting asking questions/giving advice if it's better for you just to have a place to vent.

Why are you taking on all the blame for this?

And you haven't given it a day yet, so stop fretting about forever.

Both am trying to type at work.

Well he has text me to say I love you xxx, I have replied just with the same. Now I'm not sure what to do next

Leave it!!!!! You sent the last message now wait for him.