Help needed to go no today.....

[Cupoteap]

So just had a very hard call with bf and I need to give him space today but my instinct is the complete opposite. In fact I have made a bit of a twat of myself last night.he was meant to come over and didn't hear anything from him, I can't bear to look and see how many calls and messages I sent. So after he hung up on me today, I called back (I know) and left a message to say I won't call or text today. So instead I will post here.

If he texted to say he loves you, he wants to make it work. have you apologised for the endless hounding calls and text messages? I think that's probably something you need to do , and then tell hi that you know it's over the top and you're going to try and stop.

Thx I've made it home without calling him. Might sound stupid but we talk almost everyday on the way home. He can fail to notice I have not called. I just hope he doesn't think I'm mardy or angry or whatever.

I will apologise but would rather he called me. I think that's best isn't it.

Ok so going to try and answer e dry thing but on phone so can't see anything now I'm typing.

October- will be vague but basically he decided to do something that I felt wasn't appropriate. I became aware of it in a rubbish way and had a emotional reaction to it. I think it's the cause of this anxiety if I'm honest. He lied to me a couple of times with has obviously means I have trouble now believing him.

He feels all we do now is argue. He's a it's done get over it sort. I need to understand what happened and make sure it isn't going to happen again with a unhealthy dose of what ifs added in.

He really is my best friend. I love you so much and really wish our circumstances were different and we could live together.

He has apologised re the secret and I know he means it.

What's wrong with having an emotional reaction to something he did that was inappropriate and you found out about? (Isn't that normal? What was your emotional reaction?) And if someone lies to you, you're bound to distrust them. That's sensible: he's proved himself a liar.

Why is his desire to "move on" more valid than your dealing with the emotional fallout of whatever it was?

Why are you in the position of being so anxious about him staying, that you appear to be letting go the fact he stood you up without a word

You seem very much on the back foot with this relationship and that's concerning, especially given your past. Have you done any counselling or the freedom programme?

No I haven't and beginning to think maybe I need to. I was taking ad when I started seeing him and had only just left my exh so guess there as always going to be something that came back to bite me on the bum.

I've been off them about 18mths. Came off them on my own without the gp and he has said a couple of times I should go back to the gp.

I'm not happy with my reaction. I know a reaction is expected but I feel a bit overwhelmed I guess. Crying, shouting, sarky comments, just very immature. Just takes away from what I'm trying to say.

I think it'd be worth doing. Perhaps getting back on the medication if your mood is low or you're struggling?

And getting some specific help looking at your boundaries in relationships.

I mean, from the issues you have mentioned, he's done some things that seem to me to be totally deserving of challenging, at the least. The incident in October and the lies, the breaking of confidence, the not turning up without letting you know - those are all valid things to be upset about and to cause you to be insecure/distrust him. It's difficult to know if your reactions are extreme or whether you feel you're not allowed to express yourself. But your fear of losing him seems out of control and it does give him far too much power in the relationship. You need to be able to have problems and resolve them together, not be in a state of abject terror that he'll vanish. I mean, the way this is going, you'll end up too terrified to challenge his behaviour on anything.

Thank you category.

Thinking about it exh used to use leaving me as a weapon from quite early on, got to the point where it I was told it every week just about. I didn't react in this way, probably cause I actually wanted him too cause I couldn't leave.

Maybe I just link an argument to being left because of that?

Before all of this bf would regularly check in to see if there was anything in the relationship that I wasn't happy with. There never used to be.

He called me last night. He wants everything to be normal again, to move past it all and enjoy our limited time together. Obviously i do too but. It's the but that I can't seem to stop. It's the but that pushes its self out of my mouth before I can stop it.

Do you think it could be that now that threat isn't there to shut me up (ie exh) I can ever control my mouth again? How? It's happened a couple of times with family - where something I am perfectly reasonable in having an issue with becomes overshadowed by my reaction.

How can I get it out in the right way?

Maybe CBT to try to manage your reactions? It's worth talking to a professional to see what's the best way forward.

Your bloke doesn't have the healthiest conflict resolution either, because he just wants to move on and not talk about it any more, when perhaps you need to.

There is a lot of pressure in the limited time together, to make it good: I feel it myself in my own situation. I don't know if you could agree a talking things over slot and once that is over with, you close the lid on it and just enjoy the rest of your night or whatever? I dunno, just spitballing really.