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Original poster

Ex now wants DC for Christmas

27 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 06:38

Will try not to dripfeed.

Had some problems with ex and DC this year. He didn't see them for a month (their choice) as he hurt the youngest and a health professional wanted to report his behaviour to social services. Youngest dc has been seeing him a bit since then, her choice, a few hours a week. Middle dc not much at all (her choice). Neither have stayed with him since late summer.

Two weeks ago he sent his Christmas wishes in terms of seeing them. I had discussed with DC when they would want to see him and youngest said she didn't mind as long as she could be here for Xmas eve and morning (she still believes in FC). In his email he just asked for two hours on Christmas morning. That's all for the entire Christmas period. I was hurt for them but they were pleased with this and we went ahead and started making plans.

Late last night I got a text saying he wants to have them Christmas Eve until lunchtime Christmas Day. And another load of days. Now reasonably I can see his point in that I had them last Christmas Eve, they then went to his until Boxing Day.

But they don't want to go (especially with such little warning), he will fuck up the whole FC thing (if not deliberately then by being careless because he doesn't really enjoy Christmas). The whole demanding to have them smacks of him wanting control and they haven't even stayed with him for months. Christmas is "my" thing and he knows that.

I've said no (because they don't want to) but fully expect it will escalate. Legally we don't have a court order over this kind of thing and as much as I feel sad for him being alone over Christmas I just feel he's dropped this on them at the last minute and now really upset them.

To avoid drip feeding middle DC is mentally pretty unwell, being with him makes her worse.

OP posts:
SpartonDregs · 19/12/2017 06:42

'I've gone with your first answer. Unfair to change things at this late notice. You need to stick to a regular schedule so that the kids know what is happening, not drop in and out like bad WIFI'.

Whocansay · 19/12/2017 06:48

I don't think he really wants to have them. He's made an unreasonable request at the last minute that he knows you will refuse. Then he will tantrum and say he doesn't want them at all and try and say it's all your fault.

This is all for show.

Afreshturkeyplease · 19/12/2017 06:53

What sparton said!

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 06:55

I have said in regard to the other days that if they WANT to see him then that's fine. I've also said the plans for youngest's birthday are non negotiable at this stage (after Christmas), I don't see why I should have to cancel her party/birthday treats now.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 19/12/2017 07:00

I agree with Who. Wonder if he has had an all day offer on Xmas day and having them for 2 hours is inconvenient to travel or drinking plans- so it will become all or nothing. Or is there a girlfriend he is trying to impress?

He cannot chop and change a week before Xmas - bet he isn’t the one wrapping presents and making Xmas dinner and generally making Xmas special - if he was he would know most people have Xmas well and truly planned and sorted by the 18th December.

I would keep a record of texts, and contact for if it ever goes to court (when he is trying to impress a woman). I would also put in writing to him that stability of contact is important for the children and would he like to slowly build up contact. However this depends on what he he did earlier this year that warranted a report to social services.

Runlovingmummy81 · 19/12/2017 07:03

Stick to your original plans. He can't just ask and expect to get. The children have clearly said what they want to so that is your priority and he should respect their wishes. How old are they?

If he doesn't like it that's fine but he won't have time to even consider taking legal action, you'd need to attend mediation before he can even make an. Application to court as they'll want to see that you've made an effort to resolve things on your own.

mumoseven · 19/12/2017 07:05

Sorry, what? He hurt your child?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 07:07

He has no intention of having them Christmas Day after the original slot, it was merely that he wanted Christmas Eve and the early morning too.

Like I say, I would have considered it if discussed weeks ago and if they wanted to. Youngest was very upset when I tried to broach it with her this morning.

Youngest is already having doubts about FC and I just wanted her to have one more special Christmas where she believed in it all. I'm aware that makes me feel selfish but for 20 years I did all of Christmas, with him wrapping the odd gift and complaining about everything. I don't want him spoiling it for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 07:09

Yes he hurt her. He used unacceptable force (imo) and she was too scared to see him for a while. Then wanted to again because she wanted to have a daddy Sad

OP posts:
SnowGlitter · 19/12/2017 07:26

I am separated from my children's father. The children spend Christmas Eve morning with him, then from Christmas Eve afternoon until Boxing Day morning every year. He has them Boxing Day and, for the first time ever, will be keeping them overnight.

The children want to be at home on Christmas Day and they are the ones that matter.

Don't feel bad about him being on his own. He wasn't bothered about being on his own all times he doesn't see them.

He wasn't bothered about dad credentials when he used unreasonable force.

The children deserve to be at home on Christmas Day with their primary carer, with their bedrooms and their things and not being carted around to appease someone who dips in and out when he feels like it.

Youngest is already having doubts about FC and I just wanted her to have one more special Christmas where she believed in it all. I'm aware that makes me feel selfish but for 20 years I did all of Christmas, with him wrapping the odd gift and complaining about everything. I don't want him spoiling it for her

How is it selfish when you are doing it for them?

You need to go back and read the story of The Little Red Hen Wink

MrsBertBibby · 19/12/2017 08:01

Absolutely not, stick to the original plan that the kids are happy with.

He is lucky to see them at all, given his behaviour.

user1493413286 · 19/12/2017 08:04

Don’t feel bad for him; contact is about what is best for the children and in their best interests and not what the parents want. You’re thinking of what is best for them and he isn’t

DownTownAbbey · 19/12/2017 08:19

I have DS every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. This may change when he gets older but whilst he's young and believes if FC there's no place for DF's ego.

Isetan · 19/12/2017 08:25

Why are you feeling bad for this idiot? You and your behaviour aren’t the reason for him being a tool. HIm chopping and changing contact isn’t in the children’s best interest and you quite rightly, aren’t going to collude with his non prioritisation of their needs.

You need to let go of feeling responsible for his poor choices. Keep communication to a limit and stop letting him call the contact shots, stability is the aim not appeasement.

bibliomania · 19/12/2017 11:36

I'd probably compromise, in that I wouldn't agree to Christmas Eve and Christmas day morning, but I would agree to one of the other days he asks for.

If he wants to kick off, he'll still kick off, but (a) you've been fair and reasonable and (b) if you ever do end up court or mediation, you can demonstrate that you've been fair and reasonable.

bibliomania · 19/12/2017 11:37

Although tbf, Isetan has a point with her more robust approach. My attempts to compromise have sometimes backfired as they give my ex the impression that he'll get what he wants if he just pushes hard enough.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 12:02

I have said no to Christmas Eve but that he can see them on any other day if they want to. With the exception of her birthday party (already booked and told him about that before) and her Birthday morning (she wanted us to have half a day each). So I have been fair IMO.

If he wanted them for all day Xmas day that would be fine with me but he already has plans for that.

We are already spending Xmas eve day time together, I was happy for them to just be with their dad but they refused.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 19/12/2017 12:09

That's more than fair.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 12:12

And to be extra fair, because he claims now that two hours on Xmas morning is too much driving around for such a short time (!), I have said it's not a problem at all. I will happily take them to his and collect them two hours later.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 19/12/2017 12:20

God, he's a pain in the backside, isn't he?

SnowGlitter · 19/12/2017 12:23

And to be extra fair, because he claims now that two hours on Xmas morning is too much driving around for such a short time (!), I have said it's not a problem at all. I will happily take them to his and collect them two hours later.

Why have you offered to do this?

I've also been stung by the compromise approach. I find that a silence or an "ok" usually gets him to back pedal and stick to the original plans.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 12:26

Mainly because one of the reasons we moved (last week) was because the DC were v unhappy living so close to him. So I don't want him on my doorstep causing arguments as he has before. Or just sauntering in like it's his house.

I would rather take them in a calm way and bring them home at the allotted time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/12/2017 12:27

It isn't two hours driving. He wanted originally two hours with them. It's about 15 min drive

OP posts:
bibliomania · 19/12/2017 12:47

I can see the driving gives you a bit of control over that situation, so that's not a bad thing. But keep the question of what's fair to dcs and yourself at the forefront of your decision-making, not the question of what's fair to him. He's clearly concentrating on the question of what's fair to him, so there's no need for both of you to prioritise this.

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 17:34

He thinks 15 minutes driving is too much to see his children?