How do I leave my husband when he has no-one?

[Vanillarose]

I'm feeling so alone in what's about to happen in my life and I'm hoping that some of you will be able to offer a friendly shoulder.

I've been reading MN for years trying to get up the courage to separate from my husband. We met when I was only 19 (he's quite a bit older) and have been together for almost 20 years. Married for 8. Two young DC.

We've been growing apart for years. We have nothing in common. He treated me terribly almost from the day we met. I had to give up a lucrative career because he couldn't manage being a part time SAHD. He's like a third child rather than a husband and we have no emotional connection.

Two years ago I told him I wanted to split but he threatened to kill himself so I relented after 4 months living in the same house but separated. He went for counselling for a couple of months. Ever since, he has been walking on egg shells. Suffocating me with compliments. Telling me he loves me every 5 minutes. He is absolutely desperate for me not to leave. He has no friends, family or hobbies. Only me and the DC who he adores.

But I can't stand it. I cry when I know I can't put off sleeping with him any longer. I tried and tried but I just do not love him and don't want to be married to him. I'm going to tell him in January. He will be devastated. He knows what he did wrong all those years and would make a decent husband for someone now but I can't get past it. I know what I need to do. But my parents are telling me not to do it, that I'll regret it and ruin my children's happiness. That I'll feel so alone.

It's all such a mess. Could use a friend or two.

Hey. I'm here for a hand hold. I could have written about 75% of your post a year or two ago. I didn't think I would ever be able to leave either. But I came out the other side. And you can too. You can make plans to leave. You don't have to do it all at once. But you can do it. And if you don't want to be with him, you don't have to be. You don't owe that to anyone.

I've been in a similar situation and I was in your shoes this time last year.
Although it is incredibly sad to see someone desperate to save the relationship, this kind of behaviour is also quite manipulative and selfish. He must know you are miserable? If I truly loved someone I hope I would want them to be happy even if that meant not being together.
Do you have a plan? Money, house, arrangements for dc?

No advice OP. Except to say you're strong. You know he has manipulated you into staying. I can say from experience that the feeling you will have when you finally leave will be amazing. Hold onto that. I had wobbles many, many times before I eventually left but that freedom of being free. Remembering who I was before I became broken was immense. Stay strong.

Maybe you ought to think about joint marriage counselling....sounds as if you can't forgive him for the past......bit that is what it is ....in the past....I can relate to how you feel I rebuilt my marriage based on let's draw a line in the sand about the past...live in the present here and now....and don't worry to much about the future....but then I really love my husband and I am so glad that I was able to let go of the past to enable me to get to where we are now...happy

Thank you xxx I'd love to hear your stories - even if only in brief. I just can't see how this is all going to go turn out OK.

I have a bit of a plan. I've been retraining for a new career which will hopefully take off by mid year so I can take over the mortgage. I thought we could stay in the same house (separate rooms) for a few months while he gets used to the idea. If he's at all reasonable, I might be able to buy him out of the house and he could find somewhere nearby. I'd accept 50/50 with the children. He's a good dad even if he's a man child himself. I tie myself up in knots thinking "what if I get ill? Who will look after DCs?" but that paralyses me from taking any action!

You are a contributor to the success or not of your marriage but you are not responsible for OH's happiness. Happiness comes from within, it is self-generated and self-measured.

Threatening suicide is not unusual and it is just words from someone too lazy to stop being a jerk. An ex threatened this with me and after I left he was with someone else quick as you like. The undertakers didn't have to be called.

Don't fall for it, he thinks you're soft and stupid.

Ha. I bet he wouldn't make a good husband for someone now. He was an arsehole to you but he's swapped it for suffocating you with guilt because he knows you'll leave. He'd just revert to type as soon as he felt comfortable in another relationship, I bet.

So he's manipulating you with the "I love you" stuff. Is he showing it? For example by not being a third child? Or by not laying shit on you like suicide threats?

Bitterness isn't helpful, but sometimes righteous anger is, and I think you need to find your anger.

Whatever you do though lovey, please stop sleeping with him. You don't want to, and it makes you cry You don't have to do it

You know indeed what you need to do. I would state that Solicitors busiest time of year by far is in January so I would line up appointments to see one or two firms asap.

Your parents are plain and simply wrong; they are not been married to him nor have lived this life with him either. Its attitudes like this that have also contributed to you staying with him for as long as you have.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. Do not continue to do your bit here to show your children that this appalling loveless example of a marriage is their norm too. Do your parents honestly not think that your kids seeing this in front of them does not in any way emotionally harm them as well?. You do not owe anyone a relationship.

His behaviours are both abusive and manipulative in nature. You are not responsible for him nor his actions. Only he and he alone. I would at some point also enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid because men like you describe take an awful long time, years even, to recover from.

What an awful situation.

You must stop sleeping with him. You can't put yourself through that any more.

Sending you a hug x

Hi Vanilla

re your comment:-

"I have a bit of a plan. I've been retraining for a new career which will hopefully take off by mid year so I can take over the mortgage".

Talk to the mortgage provider asap re this. Get your ducks lined up in a row and seek legal advice asap too.

"I thought we could stay in the same house (separate rooms) for a few months while he gets used to the idea".

No, this is not going to work. He needs to move out.

"If he's at all reasonable, I might be able to buy him out of the house and he could find somewhere nearby".

He has not been reasonable to date so why should he be reasonable now?. Do not be so concerned about him, he has never really given you as his wife any consideration whatsoever. He will likely become obstructive and ramp up the power and control even more when they discover that their victims are going to leave them.

"I'd accept 50/50 with the children. He's a good dad even if he's a man child himself".

Why re the first sentence?. And no he is NOT a good dad if he has treated you and continues to treat you like this. Women in poor relationships to boot often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. Just as you have done here.

" I tie myself up in knots thinking "what if I get ill? Who will look after DCs?" but that paralyses me from taking any action!"

Fear of the unknown is a powerful force causing such paralysis but you will likely find that such fears are groundless. Living with your H is far far more a scary prospect. Would you want your children to have a relationship with someone like him; hell no. DO not do your bit here to show your kids that currently at least, this is still somehow acceptable to you.

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women are also well worth contacting.

Please.don't bank on him behaving 'reasonably'. Very often this isn't the case and things turn nasty. Be prepared.

You tried living together for a few months before, that didn't work for you. I don't know how he talked you around but there's a risk he might manage it again surely?

Someone threatening suicide should not be around children.

I know you'll probably say it's not my problem but he wouldn't be able to move out straight away. He has literally nowhere to go. I don't hate him or want him to be homeless. Once I tell him I won't take it back this time. I know I shouldn't have done it last time. I made things worse by giving him hope.

And I just want to give a bit more context of how he used to be in case I've made him out to be worse than he was. I'm not talking any kind of DV. Just taking me for granted, never making me feel loved, passive aggressive ignoring me, nitpicking, making things difficult for my family. Death by 1000 paper cuts kind of stuff.

You seem like such a lovely caring person, even though you were treated badly (emotional abuse is as bad as physical in my book), your considering everyone else's feelings. While I won't pretend I've ever being in the situation you are with children involved etc I have started again before. Honestly you need to consider your own happiness in all of this and if walking away is what you want to do, you must. Your children will be fine as long as your happy and both of you love them. You don't owe him your life because he has nothing else in his, by the sounds of his previous behaviour, he caused that himself. If there is anyway you could have a clean break instead of living in the same house I think that would make it easier on you and provide less of an opportunity for him to talk you around. He's a grown up and can sort himself out, just like the rest of us. Best of luck and stay strong- you deserve happiness.

Total an utter manipulation
Simple as day turns into night

Update and call for more advice!

So I told him I wanted to separate in November. As I knew he would be, he was devastated. Worse than that, I think it's made him suicidal, my worst fear. We're still living in the same house (separate rooms) with our two young children. The atmosphere is so sad. He just can't accept it. Begs me to try again or just pretend every chance he gets. And when I say no, he is really horrible. I know it's because he's so hurt.

So, what can I do? I don't want him to kill himself, I can't live with that on my conscience. But we're at a stalemate. I know I want a divorce. Do I just plough on? Or give him more time to get used to the idea? Has anyone been here before?

There's no chance he will move out before a judge tells him he has to.

You don’t know he would follow through on his threat of suicide.
Basically he is expecting you to sacrifice your happiness by staying in a relationship with someone you don’t love because he may attempt to kill him self.
That is incredibly manipulative and selfish. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t want you to be unhappy.
He is scared about his future and would prefer the status quo to continue as he doesn’t have to make any difficult decisions or be responsible for himself.
You’ve made the choice that is right for you. Don’t go backwards now.
Handhold

He’s a selfish arse

You know you want a divorce, plough on with your decision and stick to your guns, this current situation with your ex threatening suicide and being horrible to you is no good for either of you but more importantly it is damaging for your children.

You cant stay in a marriage out of pity or fear, that is unfair to everyone involved.

Make an appointment with the solicitors and put the legal wheels in motion so your ex realises that you are serious and is clear there will be no reconciliation.

Don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed and manipulated any longer. It's time to move forward and start living again.

Please just leave him, you can't love like this . My freind did the same and it's nearly broke her . He is manipulating you .. it's almost a little cruel you keeping him hanging on and would be kinder in the long run to call time ASAP .

You need to put yourself first I think and push forward

That is so so horrendously manipulative - and it doesn't make me feel sorry for him, just for you. Go, if he won't leave the house can you? then file immediately for divorce and to separate assets.

I'm in a very similar situation and had the chat last night. There is a 4 month waiting list here for mediation so we've agreed he stays here until mediation and then we make plans from there as to what happens practically. My H doesn't want it either and has begged us to try during the 4 month wait but I've said no.

Carry on with the divorce

He's trying to manipulate you with his suicide threats. Can you move out?

Whet out of there! Or get him out. I had one just the same 200% happier now. The sheer relief was amazing