How do I leave my husband when he has no-one?

[Vanillarose]

I'm feeling so alone in what's about to happen in my life and I'm hoping that some of you will be able to offer a friendly shoulder.

I've been reading MN for years trying to get up the courage to separate from my husband. We met when I was only 19 (he's quite a bit older) and have been together for almost 20 years. Married for 8. Two young DC.

We've been growing apart for years. We have nothing in common. He treated me terribly almost from the day we met. I had to give up a lucrative career because he couldn't manage being a part time SAHD. He's like a third child rather than a husband and we have no emotional connection.

Two years ago I told him I wanted to split but he threatened to kill himself so I relented after 4 months living in the same house but separated. He went for counselling for a couple of months. Ever since, he has been walking on egg shells. Suffocating me with compliments. Telling me he loves me every 5 minutes. He is absolutely desperate for me not to leave. He has no friends, family or hobbies. Only me and the DC who he adores.

But I can't stand it. I cry when I know I can't put off sleeping with him any longer. I tried and tried but I just do not love him and don't want to be married to him. I'm going to tell him in January. He will be devastated. He knows what he did wrong all those years and would make a decent husband for someone now but I can't get past it. I know what I need to do. But my parents are telling me not to do it, that I'll regret it and ruin my children's happiness. That I'll feel so alone.

It's all such a mess. Could use a friend or two.

Just plough on. He is responsible for his own happiness, not you!!

He is being manipulative, try responding to threats by saying you are calling 111 as he clearly needs an urgent MH assessment...

I would be tempted to say "get on with it then, you're well insured" but I am a cow!!

I was in the same situation with my dh for years, I asked him to leave many times but he would say he had nowhere to go and would turn on the water works and say he was depressed, I would feel sorry for him and let him stay. This just made me more and more miserable, I didn’t love him anymore and he gave nothing to the family other than money. Eventually I asked him to leave and stuck to it, someone offered him a room and he moved out, it wasn’t easy and he ended up on anti depressants but I stuck to it and didn’t ask him to come back. I’m so pleased I went through with it, this was 3 years ago, he’s now in a relationship with someone else, I am happy and single and the dc’s are happy.

Op sometimes life as an adult is very tough. For reasons I won't go into here, I had to leave a relationship knowing I had pretty much nothing on the other side. Something happened which made me realise the few friends I had didn't care, I had no job (I have a disability) and very little at all to look forward to.

It was horribly scary but I've been absolutely fine.

Life is not static and only in a few ways us it something which happens to you. We have a lot of scope to make changes and create the life we want, although some things (like my disability) obviously have to be worked with. But the point is you have to try and make something of it for yourself. We all do. It's not anyone else's responsibility to prop you up. Your husband needs to address why he has so little in life. Yes, he needs to grieve. Yes it will be frightening for him. But he's an adult. It's time for him to sink or swim and work to improve his lot.

There are aspects of my life which are v tough but I now have good friends, a new hobby I love and I live somwhere I'm slowly coming to love. I worked really hard to be happier and enjoy myself more and that's open to everyone to do.

Your husband needs to move out so he can accept your decision. That's the kindest thing you can do to him right now. Letting him stay means he'll always think he has a chance. If he is genuinely suicidal then there are resources out there to help him. He and his happiness are not your responsibility. Why do you think they are? He most likely won't kill himself. People are immensely resilient. If he does, it will in no way at all be your responsibility or your fault. It might sound brutal but it's the truth.

Be brave. Focus on your happiness and your dc's happiness. You will be ok.

Thank you so much for sharing all your stories with me. I was feeling like I was being very cold hearted to press ahead. He's going to the GP tomorrow to talk about how he can't function or see a way forward. So I'm thinking maybe I should wait just a couple of weeks before sending off the divorce papers. That way he may have better coping mechanisms in place - either a counsellor or antidepressants.

I completely agree that he would be better off moving out to try and help him move on but he won't do it and as I bought 80% of the house, I'm definitely not going to. It's going to be a very tough year I think.

If I were you I’d move out. He’s a grown man and he’s manipulating you into staying together in the same house. Rent somewhere and get divorced. He has to stand on his own 2 feet and he won’t do that whilst you stay. Just because you move out now does not mean you can’t return when your settlement is sorted. Your sanity and emotional well-being are important and you will need all the strength you have in the coming months

No, no more waiting to send off the paperwork. He's an adult. He needs to be responsible for himself and his own health. You need to look after yours. That means you put you first, by sending off the paperwork and getting things rolling. The house might need to be sold if he won't move out. But you get some proper legal advice and get the ball rolling.

May I ask why you felt you "had" to sleep with him? And do you still feel that way? He surely knows the relationship is on dodgy ground, and part-and-parcel of that can be that sex goes out of the window, so what might happen if you refused?

Send them off, don’t sacrifice yourself for him.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think when you get free of this man (as free as you can get when you have kids together) you will feel such a weight off your shoulders, and I mean that with full compassion to his pain. But you can't fix his pain.

Not trying to armchair diagnose your H, but you might give this book a read: www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321?tag=mumsnetforum-21 I too have a manipulative "I will kill myself if you leave and I'll be nothing without you" partner I am in the process of leaving and this book was a real eye-opener in terms of understanding both his behavior and mine.

I would suggest you keep plowing ahead with the divorce process and try to move out if you can afford it--though talk to a solicitor first if you haven't already. He is unlikely to change. Though mine has managed to pull himself together to join a dating site shockingly fast