The little things - what do you do? What is normal?

[Forkhandles66]

Been with DP 18 months, live together. I have a few failed relationships behind me, as he does, but we are having real trouble dealing with the little things ending up in horrible arguments. I wanted to ask what you do and whether you think what I do is normal, or as batshit as he thinks it is.

I always thought that it was ok to bring up mild annoyances to your partner, and vice versa. Raise it nicely, without anger and just occasionally say if something they're doing makes you uncomfortable or you find it a bit rude or annoying. By occasionally I mean I probably say one thing every few weeks. It is often related to the same thing for me, that I feel I am ignored.

For example, my DP walks out of the room when I am answering him or saying something that builds on a conversation we were already having. I turn round and he's gone and I'm standing there with my mouth open. Or I ask him a question and he starts doing other things like picking up his phone, or fiddling with something, as I wait and wait for an answer. Recently I stand or sit waiting (it can go on for 20-30 seconds sometimes just waiting) and either just sigh inside with exasperation or get on with other things, or walk off. He then gets angry that I am exasperated and goes mad at me for not being patient, how dare I walk off in a huff etc. Early in our relationship he didn't call when he said he would when he was away, calling over 24 hours later, I was surprised there wasn't even an apology or acknowledgement, and when he sensed in my tone I was strained and asked what was wrong, and I replied, he went mad.

There are lots of low-level behaviours which I feel surely I should be able to say something, and surely he'd want to try and make things better by trying not to do them, as I have done for anything he has raised to me. But no, he just gets angry that I have 'spoiled the day' by raising anything at all.

How do you deal with things that annoy you? Do you keep quiet about everything and never say anything? Do you raise it? Do you raise it as I do or have you discovered some magic way of doing it? Anybody got any suggestions for me to stop this catapulting into giant arguments?

Honestly?

If there are a lot of a "low level behaviours" and he doesn't resolve conflict or communicate in a way that is compatible with you (I prefer to do what you do, fwiw), then it isn't really going to get any better.

Some people like to tackle things head on so that they don't arise again and some people like to keep quiet and pretend it doesn't happen.

I'm old enough and ugly enough to have realised that one of the most important things in a relationship are similar, or at least compatible, communication styles. And that includes when you disagree and conflict resolution.

Agree that this is not a good sign. You're told any time you express any discomfort with anything that you've 'spoiled the day'? That is a very hard position to turn things around from. Do you have kids and are you planning to have any?

A few months into our relationship, DH got me to read a book called the Tao of Conversation. Someone at his work had recommended it to him to help him get better at raising stuff with his team and resolving it. First he read it, talked a lot about it with me, then I read it and we talked some more. Helped us establish a habit of talking about issues (mostly) calmly as they arose, rather than storing them up for a big "and another thing" argument. It's worked pretty well for nearly 10 years now, we have our differences but we don't ever shout at each other.

I really want this to work. For those who don't tackle things or raise them, I wonder what they do? We don't have kids together, he has DC from a marriage a long time ago.

Thanks for the Tao tip, I'll take a look missymousey. Though I won't even be able to raise the issue of our communication problem as that will set him off. So I'll try to use techniques, but it might be met with more of the same?

He says he feels attacked if I say anything and a few sentences later he's discussing our whole relationship and how bad it is if I have to bring things like this up. I've never known anything like it.

For those who don't tackle things or raise them, I wonder what they do?

Well, from what I see from those around me, they seethe with resentment and engage in passive aggressive behaviours to express their displeasure but without actually addressing/resolving anything.

Why are you so keen for this to work? My great and considerable life experience has taught me that compatibility is far more important than anything else. Compatiblity can withstand pretty much anything. Without it, you haven't got much.

How old are you?

I couldn't be bothered with this. Find someone who can communicate. He won't make you happy and the longer you're with him the worse it'll get, too.

If you can't raise things with him it's not a relationship, in a partnership you negotiate, it's not static.

Seems like he shuts you down and talking gets you nowhere. He's not willing to be fair so what do you actually owe him here?

I think it all depends much more on the bigger context of things. My husband often does the whole ignoring me in the middle of me trying to say something because he gets distracted or an email comes through about something urgent or whatever. It is annoying. I do sometimes point it out when it's especially exasperating. But in the broader context of things, it's a minor annoyance and he truly doesn't do it because he's trying to be a jerk or doesn't care about what I'm saying. He really just has a terrible attention span and runs his own business so he struggles to truly shut off from work and people are always trying to reach him at weird and annoying hours because something has gone wrong with a delivery or something else like that. I know it's just a personality flaw rather than because he doesn't care or isn't interested in what we were talking about. But the difference is that in the context of our overall relationship (which is happy and solid), it really is a minor thing. He's wonderfully supportive, emotionally available, a great dad, very considerate and respectful and loving. He just gets distracted. I can live with that because it's a minor irritation in an otherwise happy and strong marriage. That other thing is though that he doesn't take offense to me pointing out that he does it. I don't nag or blow up at him over it, but I do jokingly point out when he is clearly just suddenly engrossed in something else and totally not even hearing me anymore. He knows he does it and genuinely doesn't mean to and he doesn't get mad at me for pointing out he's doing it. He either just puts the computer away or phone down until we finish talking, or if it's a true emergency, he'll apologise, let me know that he has to deal with it and then comes back to our conversation once it's sorted. So I think context and how he deals with it is important.

Now the whole disappearing and not being in touch when he says he will. I think that's more of an issue. It's a sign of disrespect. I don't think someone has to be in constant contact with their partner when they're away, but if they SAY they'll be in contact and they don't keep their word, that's an issue. If it's a one off, not a big deal probably and all of us get busy or distracted, I know I do especially if I'm away with work, I'm really focused on what I need to get done. If it's a regular issue of not being in touch when he says he will or not showing up, then I think that's an issue. My dh was the first guy I ever dated really who kept his word, called when he said he would, met me when he said he would, wasn't late, etc. The difference it made has been tremendous. Sometimes everyone forgets to call or forgets you made plans. I think it's only an issue if it's a pattern of that sort of behaviour.

But as for dealing with little things, I think you have to sit down and have a conversation about it, without getting heated and upset, and give him time to understand how it affects you and what you need from him. If he can't take your concerns to heart enough to want to try to change things, then it may be he just isn't that committed to the relationship or it's just not the right one for you. You may have to have the conversation a few times. But he should want to do the best he can if something is bothering you.

I know too embarrassingly how I sound, SnowGlitter, and the tired line that I am about to write. I'm no spring chicken, and after so many false starts I felt I had hit the jackpot. We are compatible in every other way, bar this. Our arguing 'style' once it blows up too is terrible. I can't bear it but sometimes I feel as if he enjoys it as sport whilst in it. Although I know he feels dreadful afterwards (not dreadful at what he has done, just dreadful and sad about our relationship).

But everything else is all I've searched for, for years.

He says he feels attacked if I say anything and a few sentences later he's discussing our whole relationship and how bad it is if I have to bring things like this up. I've never known anything like it.

This is a real problem, and you're not familiar with it because it's not normal. No one likes to be criticised of course, but most people can handle being told small things, in a kind way. If they are being rude, like walking away when you're mid-sentence, it's totally normal to object and ask to be listened to - and the correct response is to apologise and try not to do it again.

If someone behaves poorly and then you're not allowed to mention it or they'll kick off, it's a really bad sign.

My ex was like this - any mention of his behaviour (which included laziness, not pulling his weight, not listening etc) ended up in an argument, and I'd end up feeling bad because I'd dared to upset him.
Don't be like me and put up with years of this shit. Seriously.

DH and I had one very serious row early in our marriage about, of all things, whether our kitchen blinds should be lined. It was protracted and in deadlock and upsetting both of us. It was clear there were only two answers, either divorce or to toss a coin, which is what we did. I "won" the toss, and the kitchen blinds went unlined, he accepted that 100%. It was good for us to realise how seriously this petty spat had affected us, and we haven't really rowed about anything else since. ( 30 years ago) Sit down and talk about it - have a weekly meting on a formal basis if you need to, but don't let the small stuff fester.

But everything else is all I've searched for, for years.

That's tough, and I really empathise with you. I'm 43, single and no sign of it changing any time, well, ever really...

In my younger days, I would have accepted this, but now I'm too old, and too tired and too self respecting to put up with some blokes inadequacies for the sake of not being single.

I know from past experience that this would become a real issue for me and it sounds like it's a real issue for you too.

I don't think it's going to get any better because, let's face it, you don't really want to change your communication style/approach to conflict resolution any more than he does. You think you're right and you just need to present it in a way/use the words that 'speak' to him. He thinks he is equally right and discussing/confronting stuff just gets in the way of having a peaceful day and why bother, just ignore it...

sometimes I feel as if he enjoys it

With my ex, I now think he preferred me to be angry and "unreasonable", because it meant he could see himself as the "good person" with the mardy shrew of a partner, and he could blame me. If I raised anything, he always blew it up into a row, instead of just saying "Ok fair cop, I didn't take the bin out" or whatever. That made me the shouty harridan and him the poor victim, if that makes sense.

At the time I thought the rows "just happened" but in hindsight I can see he deliberately stoked them up.

Though I won't even be able to raise the issue of our communication problem as that will set him off.

OP, really sorry to hear this but re-read that line you typed.

That is awful, and more indicative of emotional abuse than just having a particular arguing 'style'.

Although I know he feels dreadful afterwards (not dreadful at what he has done)

This is a red flag too. Is he not aware of how he makes YOU feel? Or does he just not care?

I find it interesting that you refer to failed relationships.

I don't ever think like that - I just have a bunch of relationships where he or I moved on, changed, realised it wasn't "the one" etc. I'm divorced, and don't even feel that as a failure (well, not mine anyway )

You sound like you don't want to "fail" - which means you're putting up with crap. I think it's more of a failure to be in an unhappy relationship, than it is to end one.

Small things?
My fiancé sprays deodorant in the bedroom when I'm half asleep and I hate it. So these days, he does it in the bathroom. Except for the times he forgets (we don't live together so it's not a habit yet) when he instantly apologies as I scream "noooooooo" from under the covers.
It's good natured.
That's what I want in a relationship - an atmosphere where if something is raised, it's met with light hearted but genuine attempt to fix it.

I cannot imagine deciding to move in with someone where there was something to raise every few weeks! Though tbf, you say it's related to similar things.

I guess sometimes my fiancé is on his phone when I'm talking. I don't mind - it happens. I say "earth to fiancé!" or "put your phone down you teen!". And he laughs and does so. I make a joke of it - not a false joke, I'm genuine. He never feels got at.

Now my XH, I couldn't say a word with getting defensive / blaming crap back. He was fundamentally a tosser.

At what point during this litany of piss-poor behaviour did you think it was a good idea to move in with him, OP?

mindutopia your post resonates. In the broad context of things, I know most of these little things don't matter. The ignoring part admittedly is getting to me, especially as 'the phone thing' would happen every single time I went to speak. He doesn't do that as much now, after I broke down in tears over stopping mid-word for the umpteenth time and I told him how much it hurt me.

So context wise, I agree. This has a lot to do where he is coming from too. He believes that he is a good partner, good this and that, works hard and so on and so like he did recently, he starts angrily telling me all this and "it's not as if I am cheating" or statements like that. I know he is not doing bigger nastier stuff, but that doesn't change the fact that some little things make me very uncomfortable. He argues that I shouldn't raise any of them then. I say surely I should be able to, in nice jokey ways as you do, or even calmly, recognising the littleness of them too. But he sees only attack and takes offence, unlike your DH.

As time as gone on, he doesn't seem to want to take my concerns into consideration and the rapid progression from me walking off when I am left standing looking at the side of his face again as I await a reply, to all out war and how awful and unappreciative of all that he does that is good, really leaves me stunned with confusion and shock.

He's reacting this way to stop you bringing anything up. Its manipulative.

Yes agree. He may or may not realise it, but he dies this because it stops you from ever daring to object to anything, which allows him to not have to step up and behave like a decent partner. It works for him, so he's not going to change easily.

I am so glad you are getting good advice here.

People who cannot take feedback from their partners often become emotionally abusive. Been there, also with a seemingly Mr Wonderful. He is equating all feedback as major slights, absolutely nothing you an do to change it.It often narcisstic traits as a result of his childhood.

He doesn't want to have a mutually cooperative relationship where compromise happens.He wants you to tolerate his behaviour fullstop as his ego can't handle any feedback.

Its a sign of an unhealthy relationship if you can raise concetns.He should want to make you happy.

My ex would appear fantastic to another woman.he is super polite, lots of flattery that appears genuine, highy responsible, great job and big income plus he does household chores!

However should you raise an issue he will stomewall and then get super angry..It ends up being soul destroying as all the normal interactions become volatile.

I wish I had mn many years ago.I never knew what I was dealing with so bent over backwards to try to fix it.

Well I wouldn't 100% say he is abusive. But he clearly struggles with comunication
If you really don't think you can sit down with him as an adult and say I think we have a problem and we need to resolve it, then I can't see how you're going to move forward

You're just going to spend your life walking on eggshells
I think he may be abusive if he cannot recognise that this is unhealthy and that he equally wants to do something about it
How old are you both?
Because if he's older, I'm not really positive he's going to change. We can all get in a rut. But you have to work out if this is him actually showing his true colours.

Read the abusive thread on here and think clearly if there are any other red flags which you are minimising

He believes that he is a good partner, good this and that, works hard and so on and so like he did recently, he starts angrily telling me all this and "it's not as if I am cheating" or statements like that. I know he is not doing bigger nastier stuff, but that doesn't change the fact that some little things make me very uncomfortable

Oh dear. My exh used to do this.

It did not improve.

You might eant to look into if this guy is on the autistic spectrum. If by chance he is he will not understand emotions and feeling as someone else might and could come across cold etc

Sounds like my ex too. I'd give it up now.

why is there always someone who whips out the "he could be on the autistic spectrum" card.