The little things - what do you do? What is normal?

[Forkhandles66]

Been with DP 18 months, live together. I have a few failed relationships behind me, as he does, but we are having real trouble dealing with the little things ending up in horrible arguments. I wanted to ask what you do and whether you think what I do is normal, or as batshit as he thinks it is.

I always thought that it was ok to bring up mild annoyances to your partner, and vice versa. Raise it nicely, without anger and just occasionally say if something they're doing makes you uncomfortable or you find it a bit rude or annoying. By occasionally I mean I probably say one thing every few weeks. It is often related to the same thing for me, that I feel I am ignored.

For example, my DP walks out of the room when I am answering him or saying something that builds on a conversation we were already having. I turn round and he's gone and I'm standing there with my mouth open. Or I ask him a question and he starts doing other things like picking up his phone, or fiddling with something, as I wait and wait for an answer. Recently I stand or sit waiting (it can go on for 20-30 seconds sometimes just waiting) and either just sigh inside with exasperation or get on with other things, or walk off. He then gets angry that I am exasperated and goes mad at me for not being patient, how dare I walk off in a huff etc. Early in our relationship he didn't call when he said he would when he was away, calling over 24 hours later, I was surprised there wasn't even an apology or acknowledgement, and when he sensed in my tone I was strained and asked what was wrong, and I replied, he went mad.

There are lots of low-level behaviours which I feel surely I should be able to say something, and surely he'd want to try and make things better by trying not to do them, as I have done for anything he has raised to me. But no, he just gets angry that I have 'spoiled the day' by raising anything at all.

How do you deal with things that annoy you? Do you keep quiet about everything and never say anything? Do you raise it? Do you raise it as I do or have you discovered some magic way of doing it? Anybody got any suggestions for me to stop this catapulting into giant arguments?

He believes that he is a good partner, good this and that, works hard and so on and so like he did recently, he starts angrily telling me all this and "it's not as if I am cheating" or statements like that.

Usually people who feel they have to tell you 'I am a good person' are not very good people. They read relationships transactionally; 'I do certain things for you, therefore you have to do certain things for me'. (Or more accurately, 'I do certain things for myself, therefore you have to do other things also for me'.) They regard your good behaviour as their due. 'I work hard [etc], therefore you have to shut your mouth and never criticise me' seems to be his message - and he even believes the fact that he's not cheating makes it fair for him to ignore you, as if you should be grateful! Maybe he could consider doing neither.

This is really fundamental. It's not a 'little thing'. If you won't listen to someone, you don't respect them.

He doesn't respect you, OP. I spent 5 years with a man who minimised my voice in similar way, closed his ears to me. I left him in the end. I was 48 and a ball of anger, as he was my "forever man" I'd finally found. Resolved that was it for me - I was too old, it was too late.

2 years later I met my OH. Almost 5 years together. We talked a lot when we first got together - & made a pact that, we wouldn't argue. So, we don't. Love and respect go hand in hand.

On my part I feel arguments resolve nothing. He says, it's not always important to win. My ex made my head tired, is only way I can describe it. & now it's nice to have peace - of course we have little spats here and there but we listen to each other's point and never have full blown rows. We are friends as well as partners.

Self-declared nice/good men are NEVER who they claim to be. Not worth putting up with them just for the sake of having a relationship. They're a massive, disruptive pain in the ass. I hope you make the right decision for you.

No one likes to feel criticised. But in a decent relationship, you should be able to occasionally say calmly “DP, it bothers me when you do this” without it turning into World War III.

Sorry, OP. I get that you don’t want this to end. But consider the alternatives. Either you accept that you’ll keep having these awful rows, or you stop telling him anything that bothers you and he gets away with whatever behaviour he likes.

Could you try saying that to him? Say that you really hate arguing with him but you also don’t want to be someone who has to bite her tongue in her relationship. Ask if he has any suggestions to improve your conflict resolution. My DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago which really improved our communication.

If you can’t even have the above conversation with him for fear of him blowing up, then that is a bad sign.

My husband used to be a bit like this (before we got married). Any disagreement or pulling him up on something, however minor, was deemed a personal attack, he’d stop speaking to me etc. I felt at fault. It was horrible.
It turned out to be as a result of a totally dysfunctional home life growing up, with a narcissistic parent who behaved in that way. He thought it was normal. I come from a loud, shouty household where everyone is called on their BS and you accept it and move on.
We worked through it and discussed the impact both those things had on us as a couple. He still finds it hard to accept the ‘blame’ for anything, I still find it hard to not call him out on unimportant stuff, but we can talk about it like adults. We’ve been together a long time and the worst of this was when we were in our early 20s. I don’t think I would have been as patient/willing to work through it with someone who was older. But, if they were otherwise perfect, maybe. I suppose my point is that it might be resolvable but it takes time and willing from both sides.

I was actually about to post almost the same question! We're married with a 6 month old, I've been on my knees for months rubbing tound, up in the night with the baby and then up at 5.30 for the day. Trying to get through to my husband to move his stuff behind him such as wet towel off the bed, mug from the living room, dirty dishes etc, that it really does make the difference to me. He tries to manipulate everything and it makes me literally hate him-I've had to ask a couple of times when I've been feeling dizzy with exhaustion could he get up at 5.30 with the baby..he's now making out like ive asking him to do it every day and then go to work. I'm not-I'm simply asking my husband for help because I feel ill I'm that tired and he doesn't want to give it. He also tells me I've ruined his day / weekend if I finally snap. He does nothing to help. I don't want to be a broken family and I won't argue Infront of our baby - so I too was wondering, how do you deal with stuff like this...how do people pretend to be ok being around someone that makes you so angry inside, for the sake of their kids?? Would marriage counselling just for me on my own to vent help???

Xmaxsmum - maybe counselling for yourself initially? Find out what you are prepared to tolerate, how you ended up with a partner who does fuck all. (For me the first time he hinted that he thought women’s jobs are running round and men’s are sitting on their bum would be a deal breaker).

Why do you think a broken family means not living with a man? To me a broken family is watching your loved one run the self ragged whilst you sit and watch. I can’t imagine being so unkind.

FWIW dh is a sahd to twin toddlers and a 4 year old. I was up several times at night until recently as i am breastfeeding and they were reverse cycling, then I went to work - out the house for 11hours. Working is no excuse 5.30, I know kids and teens who get up at 4 to swim 3 x per week! I’m sure he can manage 5:30 - working is no excuse.

Stop cooking his dinner, washing his clothes, helping him remember. But for me it would be a deal breaker. As a single man he will do 100% of his cooking, cleaning, pant washing. Plus every other weekend you will get a lot of sleep, he won’t. His work load increases significantly, yours decreases significantly.

If he can't hear negative stuff about himself at this age and apologise, then it's a really bad sign, IMO. It's basic communication that I think is so so important.

Xmasmum, essentially you are asking how do you get through to a selfish man and make him care for someone other than himself?

Short term it could be his family or friends outside pressure encourages him to be more helpful..but long term I don't know if core character traits such as selfishness changes.
I would try to stop stressing about the house, accept you can't do it all.Seek counselling as often this selfish behaviour has appeared before but its been masked.

Someone described situations as this like emotional quicksand..you struggle, they see you struggle (from the sidelines) yet refuse to help.The more you struggle (get angry, exhausted etc) the worse it gets for you.
Accept your partner won't help, get help from others until you are in a more stable and safe place then review if this really is the person who deserves you.

I am so sorry, being let down when you have a baby is awful but equally its not the worst time to leave.