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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel so ashamed and worried

37 replies

Ilovecrumpets · 18/12/2017 08:06

My husband told me 6 weeks ago that he thought he wanted to separate - then confirmed he did two weeks later whilst admitting there had been someone else. He is currently staying in the attic with the intention of moving out post Xmas. We have 2 DC 3 and 5.

Obviously I was devastated but have been holding it together relatively ok. I’ve been very civil with him.

Today is my little ones bday. I went out with a friend last night and had 3 small glasses of wine. I don’t know why ( maybe the stress/ not eating) but I was really badly sick all last night - like I haven’t been in a very very long time. Husband heard me and came in and brought a bucket.

I feel so ashamed and worried he will use this against me. He had agreed to look after the kids so I wasn’t in charge. I can’t believe I did it before my son’s birthday so I feel ill this morning and I will also have to miss work. I feel so awful and now I think my husband has this against me. I am always the sensible one, I never get drunk. Obviously I won’t be drinking again.

I am doing a birthday tea for my son this evening. I feel like I’ve let him down too.

OP posts:
Ropsleybunny · 18/12/2017 08:10

Please don’t dwell on this. You weren’t in charge so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Forget it and move on.

I’m so sorry you are having such a crap time. Anyone would enjoy some wine in your shoes. 💐

userxx · 18/12/2017 08:15

Don't be so hard on yourself, 3 small glasses of wine is not excessive. As you say it's probably the lack of food that has made you ill.

Put it behind you and don't worry about it, surely your husband realises you are stressed out because of his actions, if he doesn't then just remind him.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/12/2017 08:16

Three small glasses of wine on a Christmas night out? This really is not a problem if it's residency of the children you're worried about please stop worrying - no court in the land will be the least bit concerned. They will have seen far far worse things.
It was probably the stress of the break up coupled with the drink and possibly a virus that brought on the sickness. Stop being so hard on yourself.
Take the day off, drink plenty of water, eat something and get some rest. Take care of you and put it behind you.
You have been through a tough time and have not let anyone down.

Jobjobjob · 18/12/2017 08:17

Forget it, honestly just forget it.

Your husband is having an affair, living in the family home and has ruined your marriage.

You're being civil, he's bloody lucky you've not thrown him out.

You"re a saint.

I hope the birthday and Christmas celebrations are good for you.

What an awful time you're having.

Also he didn't "look after" the children for you! He's a parent he should do that anyway.

Rainybohoho · 18/12/2017 08:21

Feeling very emotional and not eating much really heighten the effects of alcohol.

I’m not shy of drinking and very far from a lightweight, but one occasion not dissimilar to yours, I was so ill on half a bottle of wine. Threw up all night and the next day. I think it was less the wine and more that it just opened my emotional floodgates.

Original poster
Ilovecrumpets · 18/12/2017 08:23

Thank you everyone for replying. I really do appreciate it. I feel really unwell today and it honestly was only 3 small glasses so I wonder if I also have something.

I just know my husband is enjoying having the moral high ground. I feel like I’ve given him ammunition. I was worried about him bringing it up re residency because it was the night before my littlest’s birthday. Tbh I think the thought it was the last birthday we would all be in one house as a family that tipped me over. I’d also had to spend the day all together seeing Santa and pretending for the kids.

OP posts:
KhalliWali · 18/12/2017 08:23

Stress can make the effects of alcohol worse. I am more than capable of drinking a bottle of wine and being absolutely fine. However, I remember one night during a stressful episode (a bit like yours) I had 3 glasses (half a bottle) and I was so drunk and being sick... it was awful.

Also, a hangover always makes me feel guilty (not that I get them often). So any bad feelings are magnified. You did NOTHING wrong. Please don't allow anyone - including yourself - to make you feel bad.

He really needs to move out, doesn't he?

Original poster
Ilovecrumpets · 18/12/2017 08:24

rainy I think you might be right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovecrumpets · 18/12/2017 08:26

Yes khalli having him here just means I am waiting with this awful thing hanging over me. I find it unbearable looking at the kids and knowing what is coming. Also he is acting as if nothing has happened which is really hard.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 18/12/2017 08:27

He's claiming moral high ground over you being ill?

Sorry but that's funny. He obliterates your family by having an affair and he had the moral high ground?

What a total pillock.

He will forever be in the cess pit of adultery.

StorminaBcup · 18/12/2017 08:29

It’s the beer-fear, you’ll be fine in a little while. He can hardly take the moral high-ground can he?

MaidenMotherCrone · 18/12/2017 08:33

He's staying in the attic?

Next time he goes up there close the hatch and nail it shut. The noise will stop after about a week or so and the smell will clear eventually. Get lots of plug ins and leave the windows open.

BastardGoDarkly · 18/12/2017 08:36

Moral high ground my arse, he has no such thing, if you hadn't gone out, and were being sick and ill, would you still feel ashamed?

You aren't ill through drinking to excess, its more like stress, or a virus.

You've done nothing wrong,, he on the other hand Hmm

Original poster
Ilovecrumpets · 18/12/2017 08:37

Yes I see what you mean re moral high ground.

He somehow always seems to be able to make out that everything he does is reasonable - and I’m the crazy one if I react in any way.

OP posts:
KhalliWali · 18/12/2017 08:40

Yes khalli having him here just means I am waiting with this awful thing hanging over me.

He is LITERALLY hanging over you. In the attic. What a horrible feeling that must be. What's the plan for Christmas?

LittleWitch · 18/12/2017 08:41

Enjoying the moral high ground? I’ve never heard anyone describe a philandering husband as occupying the moral high ground Hmm. You can’t seriously be saying that he thinks you getting a bit tiddly and sick at Xmas is equivalent to him having an affair and leaving his family? Presumably you can see that nobody reasonable would agree with him? Chin up, ignore him and count the days till he’s someone else’s problem.

Original poster
Ilovecrumpets · 18/12/2017 08:41

Spend it together and then I am going with the kids to my sister for a week after Boxing Day. Which should be goodSmile

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/12/2017 08:41

So it's 'reasonable' to have an affair? To sleep with someone else whilst still married and living with your spouse? To pretend everything is normal whilst putting your cock in another woman?

There is not a single circumstance in the land that would make that 'reasonable'. Even if you were a bitch queen from Hell, reasonable would have been to separate before sleeping with another woman. He is so in the wrong that he can't see the moral high ground with a large telescope.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 18/12/2017 08:41

What maiden says.

I can drink but I once had a reaction like yours after 2 glasses of wine and another time after a single pub measure gin!

BackInTheRoom · 18/12/2017 08:44

@Ilovecrumpets I reckon it was the stress. I mean look how fearful you are about being ill?! You took the moral high ground by bringing up those kids. Whilst you were doing this, because the poor snowflake wasn't getting enough attention he decided to go and have his needs met elsewhere! High ground my arse! Look, get rid of that hangover and get rid of old snowflake and stop worrying. You got this shit OP. You're going to be ok 💐

BackInTheRoom · 18/12/2017 08:47

@Ilovecrumpets

He somehow always seems to be able to make out that everything he does is reasonable - and I’m the crazy one if I react in any way.

Oh he's in to Gaslighting as well is he?! Yeah whatever Snowflake! OP, you're amazing so don't buy his bs. Many have walked this path (I'm still walking it can't you tell!) and we now have bullshit detectors!

Ceto · 18/12/2017 08:49

As you've been sick, you got rid of a lot of the alcohol. So if you feel ill today, it is very likely indeed because you are suffering from something else.

BackInTheRoom · 18/12/2017 08:51

@MaidenMotherCrone
OMG hysterical! 😂😂😂

Friend: Hows your DH OP?

OP: Yeah he's fine, he's gone on holiday.

Friend: Where's he gone?

OP: Somewhere really cold (for Snowflakes)!

Ceto · 18/12/2017 08:53

It's highly unlikely that he and his bit on the side want custody of the children anyway. Men who bugger off when there are small children around tend to want to return to their supposedly unfettered youth.

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 18/12/2017 08:56

When I spilt with my DP after 14 years I drank a lot more than 3 small glasses on the many nights out I had, a lot more!

Forget it and move on. This will be a lot easier to do once you've stopped feeling rough!

Cut yourself some slack, this is a really difficult time for you and I think your husband is incredibly lucky to be living in your attic, I would've told him to pack his bags and find somewhere else to stay.