I need some help.
I’ve been in my relationship for almost 2 decades. No children and we are not married. He is a nice guy and the first few years of our relationship were fine, but for many years I’ve felt I wanted out. The relationship is dead. There is no physical contact - we haven’t been sexual for almost a decade. It seems also that we’ve grown in different directions. We seem to bicker about almost everything and stuff is taken up the wrong way by one or other party and there are frequent arguments. There are other things but the simple truth is I just want something else. I’ve questioned this many times and I’ve challenged myself but I always come back this: the relationship is just not what I want. We got together in our early twenties, we are now much older, different people and I have to say that he certainly is NOT the kind of man I'd choose now.
I feel like my life is on hold! I’ve tried to break up many times but I keep backing down and saying “ok, let’s try again”. But this is honestly NOT what I want and each time I do give in, I feel a deep sense of defeat / entrapment within me as I feel I just cannot leave. Whilst he earns his own money and would be able to look after himself unfortunately I’ve created a situation of ‘entitlement’ here and I’ve enabled him into emotionally blackmailing me every time we have this argument. I am the chief breadwinner by a long shot here and let me just make this clear to everyone - this is because of my own hard work and sacrifices - however because he earns so much less than I do I’ve felt guilty and allowed him to live with me for free - essentially with him using his own earnings for whatever leisure activity he wishes. Obviously this has now come back to bite me because there is absolutely no incentive for him to go at all. He is living for free - why would he give that up? I do not believe for one minute he is living this existence (because that’s what it is) because he loves me so much: this is convenient and easy for him - plus he has all his cash! He is earning well above the average London wage and should quite easily be able to support himself. But he starts crying and making me feel guilty every time I try to end it. it’s happened so frequently that he now actually doesn’t even take me seriously. He suffers from depression too, which I find he uses to get me to back down. He talks and discusses and just doesn’t give up until I end up saying, “ok, let’s try again”. I REALLY REALLY REALLY do not want this anymore though! I don't want to die having regretted spending the better part of 15 years with a man who I am not in love with.
I feel trapped! Unfortunately we live in rented accommodation and both names are on the lease, meaning that we both have a right to live in the property - however I am paying 100% of the rent. There is no break clause in the lease and it is set to run for another 18 months at least. But I just cannot face another 578 days of this. Every year I say I am going to leave and every time we go around the same pattern, with me giving in. I know I enabled some of this. I shouldn’t have let him live for free. But he talks and breaks me down and I feel sorry for him and then I give in. I feel weak and just cannot stand up to his crying. I feel incredible guilt, which is why I stay.
What can I do to get out of this? I cannot break the lease on the flat without paying a massive penalty (given 18 months left at least - it will run into the 10s of thousands!). I cannot kick him out because he has just as right as me to live there as he is on the lease. I cannot move out myself because a) I have absolutely nowhere to go and b) I am paying the rent on the property, which if not paid will leave me far worse off because it will affect my credit rating and possibly therefore have a knock on effect on my ability to win contract work and c) because I cannot afford to rent another place for me whilst still putting him up in our existing rental until the tenancy expires.
I am in such a bind and I feel like life is not worth living if I have to continue in this miserable existence. What options are open to me here without me having to fork out thousands to get this man to move on? I need to break up and not give him the chance to fight to stay. All existing options I see right now mean I’ll have to stay around him which gives him the opportunity to persuade me to change my mind. Please please help.