Please help me find the willpower to leave this man

[MustStayStrong]

I need some help.

I’ve been in my relationship for almost 2 decades. No children and we are not married. He is a nice guy and the first few years of our relationship were fine, but for many years I’ve felt I wanted out. The relationship is dead. There is no physical contact - we haven’t been sexual for almost a decade. It seems also that we’ve grown in different directions. We seem to bicker about almost everything and stuff is taken up the wrong way by one or other party and there are frequent arguments. There are other things but the simple truth is I just want something else. I’ve questioned this many times and I’ve challenged myself but I always come back this: the relationship is just not what I want. We got together in our early twenties, we are now much older, different people and I have to say that he certainly is NOT the kind of man I'd choose now.

I feel like my life is on hold! I’ve tried to break up many times but I keep backing down and saying “ok, let’s try again”. But this is honestly NOT what I want and each time I do give in, I feel a deep sense of defeat / entrapment within me as I feel I just cannot leave. Whilst he earns his own money and would be able to look after himself unfortunately I’ve created a situation of ‘entitlement’ here and I’ve enabled him into emotionally blackmailing me every time we have this argument. I am the chief breadwinner by a long shot here and let me just make this clear to everyone - this is because of my own hard work and sacrifices - however because he earns so much less than I do I’ve felt guilty and allowed him to live with me for free - essentially with him using his own earnings for whatever leisure activity he wishes. Obviously this has now come back to bite me because there is absolutely no incentive for him to go at all. He is living for free - why would he give that up? I do not believe for one minute he is living this existence (because that’s what it is) because he loves me so much: this is convenient and easy for him - plus he has all his cash! He is earning well above the average London wage and should quite easily be able to support himself. But he starts crying and making me feel guilty every time I try to end it. it’s happened so frequently that he now actually doesn’t even take me seriously. He suffers from depression too, which I find he uses to get me to back down. He talks and discusses and just doesn’t give up until I end up saying, “ok, let’s try again”. I REALLY REALLY REALLY do not want this anymore though! I don't want to die having regretted spending the better part of 15 years with a man who I am not in love with.

I feel trapped! Unfortunately we live in rented accommodation and both names are on the lease, meaning that we both have a right to live in the property - however I am paying 100% of the rent. There is no break clause in the lease and it is set to run for another 18 months at least. But I just cannot face another 578 days of this. Every year I say I am going to leave and every time we go around the same pattern, with me giving in. I know I enabled some of this. I shouldn’t have let him live for free. But he talks and breaks me down and I feel sorry for him and then I give in. I feel weak and just cannot stand up to his crying. I feel incredible guilt, which is why I stay.

What can I do to get out of this? I cannot break the lease on the flat without paying a massive penalty (given 18 months left at least - it will run into the 10s of thousands!). I cannot kick him out because he has just as right as me to live there as he is on the lease. I cannot move out myself because a) I have absolutely nowhere to go and b) I am paying the rent on the property, which if not paid will leave me far worse off because it will affect my credit rating and possibly therefore have a knock on effect on my ability to win contract work and c) because I cannot afford to rent another place for me whilst still putting him up in our existing rental until the tenancy expires.

I am in such a bind and I feel like life is not worth living if I have to continue in this miserable existence. What options are open to me here without me having to fork out thousands to get this man to move on? I need to break up and not give him the chance to fight to stay. All existing options I see right now mean I’ll have to stay around him which gives him the opportunity to persuade me to change my mind. Please please help.

Are you really 100% sure about the rental agreement tying you in for another 18 months? I'd post a question on the legal board her for starters.

If it turns out to actually be true that you have to spend 18 more months living with him, make sure you use that time to force him to look after himself. Be a flatmate not a partner. No more wifework. No more subsidising.

Will he actually start paying his 50% of the rent and bills if you demand it?

I think ide start splitting everything 50/50 and stop doing anything for him in the house, the money you save spend on a decent counsellor.

He won't take you seriously until you start being serious with yourself this time, new year and new you op

Good,luck 💐

Don't discuss it,
Tell him you HAVE split up. You're both now single.
The bills cost xxy per month and he needs to pay 50% with immediate effect.
On top of that if you bought the fridge etc, he's no longer allowed access and must buy his own and the food to go in it.
He's been demoted to house mate for the next 18 months and if he doesn't like it tell him to leave.
Advise the letting agents you've split up, you'll remain paying 50% of the rent on xyz date (your usual rent date) but the further 50% will come from exes name, give them his number and advise they'll need to contact him to discuss a payment method.

He is emotionally blackmailing you, crying and desperately trying to keep you when you make a move saying you want to leave.

YET, when you aren't saying these things he makes no effort whatsoever to make things better. He just carries on as normal until the next time . What does that say to you? Why isn't he trying harder when things are OK? He doesn't because he knows he doesn't have to and he also doesn't care about you, sorry but he doesn't. Anyone who desperately didn't want their DP to leave would move heaven and earth to try and make things better.

You can't see the wood for the trees as far as the lease and how to. Anything is possible if you really want it

Do some homework, find out if the rental value of your home has increased and used this information when you speak to the agent and ask to end the tenancy early.

Offer to cover costs (get a firm amount agreed) and stay until new tenants are ready to move. Your agent might be happier to play ball if they are making more money off new tenants paying more as well as the services associated with ending and initiating a new tenancy, so it would be just down to how they frame it to the landlord.

Remember that whatever you do you are liable for not just your part but ALL of the rent if he’s not paying, as is he.

I agree you also need to get some legal advice asap regarding his liability to pay his share of the rent. Surely it would not effect your credit rating if you could prove that you have been consistently paying 50%?

Tell the agents you have split up, therefore they need to start chasing him if he doesn't pay. Can the tenancy agreement be amended so that it's two single people liable for 50% each? Surely this cannot fall to you whilst he just enjoys the perks of having his life financed by someone else.

This thread has made me really angry! He sounds like an utter bastard!

Crying to get his own way?.....pure manipulation.

Kick him out, tell him unless he pays 50% of the rent he needs to leave. End the tenancy as soon as you can, get him out your life, you are wasting your years being used by him.

Write a list of any immediate changes you want to help make the current situation as it is better for you.

Write a second list of all the steps you need to take to set yourself free.

It may seem overwhelming when you look at the whole thing but more simple one step at a time.

Remember he's probably sapped any energy you have and once you have a plan in place it's very likely to return.

Can the tenancy agreement be amended so that it's two single people liable for 50% each?

Nope, they’ve signed an agreement, why would the landlord alter it to be potentially worse off? Tenancies are set up so all named tenants are singularly and jointly liable. This is why we tend to like to have the maximum 4 named tenants on the agreement or supplement with a guarantor. So if rent isn’t paid all are responsible. The OP would need to pay any shortfall to prevent her credit being affected and she could then take him to small claims court.

Agree tell the agent and they may assist you getting rid of a tenant who wont pay 50% rent.
If you are paying 50% they will either work with you or let you out of the agreement.

If you are paying 100% of the rent, can you get his name taken off the lease?

Thank you all so much for the incredible advice. It has been a manic day at work and I've only just walked in...

Today I've been feeling really quite fragile. Whilst yesterday I was all fired up to go, today I've been worried about the logistics of it all and how it is all going to be so overwhelming and where can I move to, and what do I do about the bills which are all in my name, etc etc. Sometimes he doesn't even have to talk me down from this, I'm doing a fairly good job of it on my own! I am goddamn weak!

But deep down I know this what I want. I've regretted staying this long. I am like a mother and carer to a middle aged man!

Some good news though - I checked my lease again on your advice and noticed to my delight that actually there IS a 12 month break clause in the lease! But unfortunately the rent is the responsibility of both parties singularly and jointly. So if he doesn't pay then it is up to me to cough up else as I say it could effect my credit rating which will affect my Ltd company and hence my ability to win contracts.

When is a good time to deliver the message to the man? There never seems to be the right time as soon it's Xmas, then NY, then his birthday... arghhh! I guess i am just so afraid of hurting and rejecting him because I know I'll be bombarded until I take him back. Staying in the house with him after I deliver the 'blow' is absolutely not a good idea because that gives him the opportunity to negotiate and talk me down.

This might sound strange but does he have to know you have broken up yet?

Can you get all your ducks in a row first? Find out about breaking contract early or removing him or yourself from the lease.

You said you can't stay living there with him after you've told him but you can't afford to pay his rent for a year as well as rent for yourself elsewhere so surely that means fixing the housing situation first.

As a minimum give your 12 months notice now. If all else fails that clock has started ticking.

Talk to the agents. You don't have to tell them the exact truth. Say you are splitting up and you know ex won't pay his half of the rent and you can't afford to pay it all, you don't want to leave the landlord unpaid and then them having to go through the whole eviction process, so if they can find a new tenant soon that helps everyone.

Yes Rabbit that is excellent advice. I think to avoid falling into the same old pitfalls I need a plan. I'm just trying to get as much info up front. The housing situation is the most stressful part because I have pets too and so many places won't accept animals. It is a total nightmare trying to find cheap (decent!) accommodation which accepts animals and also isn't expecting to lengthy tie-in. I'm just going through the options and scenarios in my mind and the ones which are most 'straight forward' (i.e.: giving notice on current and staying until I find alternative accommodation) seem to me will be the hardest to execute.

• hardest to execute given how he likes to turn on the taps at any suggestion of a breakup

You are getting a bit ahead of yourself with worries about finding a new place.

First you have to get out of this one, which is the tricky bit that will involve putting a lot of pressure on the agent.

If I were you I would put all my energy into that before spending any effort on the other hurdles, which are reasonably surmountable anyway.

For example, you could stay somewhere shite that takes pets for 6 months while you look for a better place. I bet it would still be nicer than 6 months with him in this place.

You could start the detachment process now too. Put a little pressure on him to pay his way. Be out a lot. Quietly, without announcement stop doing the wifework, do your own laundry, eat at work, don't food shop. Put it down to busy busy and look perplexed if he moans about lack of socks and ham. Notice the daily micro aggressions and selfishness.

Yeah, the simplest options will be impossible because they only work if he behaves like an adult. Adults in a break up would get themselves off that lease as soon as humanly possible.

You already know he will behave like the cocklodger he is, he won't give up his meal ticket, housekeeper and teddy bear, even if you cried and begged and pleaded and told him you can't stand the sight of him, right?

^exactly what Rabbit just said.

Stop enabling this child.

You have to stop sleeping in the same bed, so long as he is there with you, then he thinks he is in a relationship.

You say you earn a good living, I can't help thinking in your case, it might be worth asking the Landlord, how much it will cost to take your name OFF the agreement, You say it's 12 months, well would he accept 6 months up front, for you to move out, and the agreement to be put into the other parties name only. So Ok you would be buyign yourself out of the rental.
But you could find somewhere else, take your name off all the bills and he could have the place at half the rental amount for the years notice.
You need to ask and make 2018 the year you think about yourself.
If you do move out, get the other party to go away for a weekend, gift him some thing and just GO....

It would be better for you to stay there i would ask the LL to accept one months notice. Give him a backhander> Then draft new tenancy in just your name and then deliver the news that he moves out?

Happy birthday to him - stupid twat!

Also bear in mind it’s not the rent you’re liable for but any other issues that come up on the checkout too which will come out of the deposit and extra billed to you if needs be. So when you end the tenancy, makes sure all is bang on to limit your liability.

Thank's everyone. I'm still yoyo'ing between how's best to handle this situation. I don't think I can break up with him and continue living with him but just change my behaviour (like stop doing this and that for him). I so wish I could do that but I think there'll be too much pressure to give in. I've tried that before with unsuccessful results and this time has to be different.

I've started looking for accommodation for myself. I think I need to try to secure a fairly cheap place so that I'll have somewhere to go immediately after doing the deed. God I am so dreading this! I've been looking at the money aspects too and there is no way I can extricate myself from this without shelling out thousands. I guess this is why so many ppl just resign themselves to the status quo. I really resent throwing all this money away but I know I cannot do it any other way. It really helps having a support structure around you, like family or good friends close by who could help with accommodation, but I don't have any of that and this is really making it hard!

I've received some great advice on here so far. Tomorrow I am going to have a discrete word with estate agent and ask about what is involved in breaking the contract due to a relationship breakdown. I need to understand what they expect of me. Is there any advice on what I should / should not say to the agent? I am worried they'll try and rip me off - granted I want to break the lease but I've heard stories from people at work that the agent may be entitled to keep the whole deposit, in addition to a penalty for breaking the lease and any costs for re-advertisement and repapering of a new tenant. There will be costs, which I accept, but keeping the deposit is just daylight robbery. Of course they are also well within their rights to just demand I stay and pay the rent for the full 12 months, as per the lease agreement. That's not ideal obviously! How do you suggest I approach this conversation? TA again x

I think you have to look at any money you lose as an investment in your future happiness. Because at the moment every single penny you pay in rent and bills is only an investment in your own misery

Just tell the Agent the truth, that you need out, and how is the cheapest way to do it...
I would ask them to give you a written conformation of your wishes, then you can show you ex the paperwork.
Please stop doing things for him, and you can cancel or the Electric an Gas, Water ect, so they are no longer in your name, give his name to them instead, so the Bills will he his responsibility, Even if you stay, and have to give him half, at least it won't be a debt you encounter.
I know your worried about the debts, but isn't it worth it to be free.

Yes, absolutely correct Practice. I needed to hear that.