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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Completely lost and confused - please give me some perspective

34 replies

BarberrraCh1ld · 17/12/2017 18:11

NC’d as I don’t want to be identified by my --judgemental lovely friends and like a coward would rather gather some consensus before being flamed IRL.

Without going into too much detail after my divorce I met a man who I fell head over heels in love with. It was initially a lovely relationship and we spoke about having children and getting married.

He ghosted me after 6 months and I later found out he was dating someone else.

Like an idiot I kept taking him back and he continued to leave me and come back. This had a detrimental effect on my health and probably my children’s well-being actually. I can’t mention his name without friends and family bristling.

I have spoken to others, including my therapist and they have used words such as ‘love bombed’, gas lighting’, ‘sociopath’ and ‘narcissist’ to describe him.

One day I woke up and thought “blimey, you’ve got to break this cycle”. I starting dating a guy who I really liked, I was cautious at first and didn’t let my walls down for quite some time. My children were eager to meet him and he now feels like part of the family.

We’ve been together 7 months and he’s made me happy but my ex boyfriend with whom I’ve been almost NC with for the last 7 months has dragged me back into his life and I’ve found myself meeting him for coffee, walks and drinks.

On the surface he alleges that he just needs a friend, he’s going through a tough time at the moment so I have offered my support but then he stole a kiss this week and professed his undying love for me and I feel so confused because I think I might still love him.

The worst thing in all of this is that I’ve lied to my guy about where I’ve been over the last few weeks.

Feeling very ashamed and confused. Please someone talk some sense into me.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 17/12/2017 18:16

Putting aside the fact you are having an emotional (and now physical) affair, how exactly are you going to feel in a month if you take him back and then he's bored and wanders off to someone else unnatainable after one or two shags?

dreamies · 17/12/2017 18:16

Go back and do more research on narcs and realise thus guy is hoovering you for supply. The fact you are risking a good relationship to sneak around is just adding to his sick enjoyment of stringing you along. Go no contact you know he's no good and your new boyfriend does not deserve to be lied to.

Maelstrop · 17/12/2017 18:22

You know he will dump you again and you're being horrendously unfair to your DC introducing another new guy then pissing around with Mr Unfaithful.

Gerbil17 · 17/12/2017 18:25

Think of the impact all of this will be having on the children.
It is not fair on them.

underthebluemoon · 17/12/2017 18:38

This is self sabotage. You got yourself free of him and he has wormed his way back in. Just no. 'He just needs a friend' .... no, he needs to slink off and leave you alone.

AnyFucker · 17/12/2017 18:45

Lost. Confused.

You forgot stupid

You have already admitted that your fucked up telationship with this man has affected your children

Now you are cheating on your current partner with him

Can you spend any time without a bloke ? You are clearly not in a place where you can prioritise your children above men.

Pinkitis · 17/12/2017 18:45

You need to take responsibility for your actions. You are talking as if you had nothing to do with this at all ie he 'dragged' you back into his life, he 'stole' a kiss. Presumably you have been meeting him of your own free will. That's not fair on your current bf.

BarberrraCh1ld · 17/12/2017 18:46

Everything that has been written makes perfect sense to me on a good day but he is very persuasive and has made me question my happiness with my boyfriend.

he says that his ex-girlfriend is out of the picture for good and I wonder whether she is the reason we haven't worked, that's certainly his story anyway?!

I am disgusted with myself and my actions. I don't know how my DC would feel if I brought him back into their lives, it would probably impact my youngest the most, although they were very fond of him.

I need to wipe out these thoughts and go NC I think. My therapist suggested writing a letter to him effectively telling him to FO out of my life.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/12/2017 18:52

Don't write to him ... that just reinforces how important he is on this planet

Just stop contacting him and stop responding to his contact. It's quite simple if you want it enough

Unless you are more intent on ruining yoir own life, endangering your children's well being and losing the respect of your family+friends. If that is the case, carry on with this "whoops, he's back in my life, how did that happen" bullshit

You are fooling no one.

Grunkle · 17/12/2017 18:54

Please change your language and take responsibility for your actions. You haven't "found" yourself "dragged" back. You have gone back to seeing him.

You say you still love him - why is this relevant? You know that love is actually a chemical reaction that can develop between literally any two people. Like... Literally any two people. Including torturer and victim, for example. They are not a cosmic sign that you're meant to get back with this guy.

Did you know that love feelings are actually strengthened by abusive behaviour? Are you aware that you're in an abuse cycle?

Love feelings are only as durable as the amount of time you put into maintaining contact with the loved person. So go actual NC. Take accountability for your actions here. Think of your children ffs, if you can't be bothered to think of yourself.

You have control here. Recognise your feelings for what they are - a continued feature of the abusive relationship this guy has built with you, for his own amusement and ego stroking - and take your control back consciously.

Grunkle · 17/12/2017 18:55

Writing a letter to him?

Jesus woman. Why do you love drama so much?

Did you know that you can just have a life without drama. Like... You do not need to feed drama just because it exists. You can ignore it and it snuffs itself out.

Movablefeast · 17/12/2017 18:59

You are showing him how weak and easily manipulated you are. When he could have had you he dumped you with no explanation or apology - that was not his ex-girlfriends fault. He is a massive user and you will end up mentally messed up and devastated. Didn't you say you ended up in bad health because of him and needed a therapist?

He is massively bad news. Go NC and stay away from this toxic man.

Cricrichan · 17/12/2017 19:03

Block him. What kind of wanker gets together with a woman, talks about kids and marriage, gets close to her kids and all of a sudden disappears and then comes and goes? You know the only reason he's back is because he knows you might be happy with another man and wants your attention on him. He doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have him.

And it isn't just about you,it's about your kids. I'm not sure this new man is for you either if you can so easily goabck to this other man. I agree with others. Spend some time on your own. Be happy in your own company before you start dating again.

BarberrraCh1ld · 17/12/2017 19:06

Deep down I know what I need to d

I neee to break free of this cycle

For full disclosure his ex girlfriend received much of the same treatment, perhaps worse than me

She says other exes of his have cone forward and spoke of the same abauive behaviour

I need to step away from this

NC from this point onwards.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/12/2017 19:06

Yes, you need to break it off gently with your cuckolded boyfriend. Let him go to find someone who doesn't treat him like dirt.

BarberrraCh1ld · 17/12/2017 19:06

Sorry for the typos, typing on phone whilst in transit

OP posts:
VeganIan · 17/12/2017 19:19

he says that his ex-girlfriend is out of the picture for good and I wonder whether she is the reason we haven't worked, that's certainly his story anyway As in, your relationship didn't work out because he was also in a relationship with her? Seriously, wake up, woman up and get this utter arsewipe out of your life for good.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 17/12/2017 19:31

I've met someone like this who ended up ghosting me but I wouldn't give him the steam off my piss.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/12/2017 19:34

Ghost him.

AdalindSchade · 17/12/2017 19:41

Fuck sake. Can't you put your kids before your wandering eye?

CarliseT · 17/12/2017 20:06

OP, move on with your life and children. If you were single, he would not be acting that way. The moment you get rid of your boyfriend, he will be back to his old ways.

He does not need your support, give that energy and love to your children.

AFistfulOfDolores · 17/12/2017 20:12

Please change your language and take responsibility for your actions.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Until you can take responsibility, you'll always be a victim of 'someone else's' actions - which is really just another way of avoiding having to grow up, painful as it is.

Bananacabana · 17/12/2017 20:27

Please go no contact with the man you are secretly meeting. His behaviour is a classic narcissist, you are just a supply of attention to him whilst he looks for someone else. He will go through the whole process with you again,love bombing, discarding etc, it's what they do and they don't think or care about the consequences it has on you, your family or life and he will keep doing this to you as long as you let him. If you do write a letter, do not send it him but use it for only yourself to enable you to see what he is doing; maybe you'll see him pattern and lies then.

We don't know your full situation but because we are not emotionally evolved it's clear as day to us what he's doing and our advice is to help you. Please go no contact with him and focus on you and your family.

BarberrraCh1ld · 17/12/2017 22:27

I love my DC very much I'm just in a bad place and will of course put them first

In any event I have received communication from his ex tonight wih screenshots of him admitting he contracted an STi (genital warts) and he blamed me for transmitting it which is a complete lie.

I have been very foolish and plan on being truthful to my boyfriend as he deserves to know

He's an ass, he will never change but I will learn

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/12/2017 22:45

Get yourself put of this toxic drama

Is this how you see yourself ? Next step Jeremy Kyle.