Completely lost and confused - please give me some perspective

[BarberrraCh1ld]

NC’d as I don’t want to be identified by my --judgemental lovely friends and like a coward would rather gather some consensus before being flamed IRL.

Without going into too much detail after my divorce I met a man who I fell head over heels in love with. It was initially a lovely relationship and we spoke about having children and getting married.

He ghosted me after 6 months and I later found out he was dating someone else.

Like an idiot I kept taking him back and he continued to leave me and come back. This had a detrimental effect on my health and probably my children’s well-being actually. I can’t mention his name without friends and family bristling.

I have spoken to others, including my therapist and they have used words such as ‘love bombed’, gas lighting’, ‘sociopath’ and ‘narcissist’ to describe him.

One day I woke up and thought “blimey, you’ve got to break this cycle”. I starting dating a guy who I really liked, I was cautious at first and didn’t let my walls down for quite some time. My children were eager to meet him and he now feels like part of the family.

We’ve been together 7 months and he’s made me happy but my ex boyfriend with whom I’ve been almost NC with for the last 7 months has dragged me back into his life and I’ve found myself meeting him for coffee, walks and drinks.

On the surface he alleges that he just needs a friend, he’s going through a tough time at the moment so I have offered my support but then he stole a kiss this week and professed his undying love for me and I feel so confused because I think I might still love him.

The worst thing in all of this is that I’ve lied to my guy about where I’ve been over the last few weeks.

Feeling very ashamed and confused. Please someone talk some sense into me.

*out

He doesn't love you - you're just a gratifying extension of his ego and he's determined to keep you available to reinforce his idea that he is irresistible and capable of enchanting any woman through his preposterous love stories, which you believe but are the complete opposite of the reality that everyone else can see.

Just delete him now from all your media and stop talking to him. Don't serve him up a tragedy of renunciation forever - that's precisely the stuff he loves. Lots and lots of emotion from you to satisfy his narcissism.

If you haven't already, it would probably be worth discussing with your therapist what parts of you feel the need to respond to these manipulations. You should so obviously tell him to fuck off, but he has you under his thumb because something inside you wishes to be the one who finally captivates his roving eye. Once you understand how that dynamic works on you, you will have a much stronger base to reach out and find a healthy and positive connection, with your current bf or someone else.

I hope you manage to shake him off once and for all, and start the new year free from this futile pursuit. Good luck!

I married an arse like him.
We had a baby. I was convinced that I was special, and had broken his habit of ghosting women.
Nope. He fucked off, and painted me as a mentally deranged woman.
In all fairness, I did feel deranged after he upped and left. Made me empathise with his many exes.

These men are too damaged to have fulfilling, settled relationships. If you were completely perfect, he would still do it.

He is an arse. Get as far away as possible, and be relieved!

This guy didn’t ‘drag’ you into anything. Did he hold a gun to your head and make you go for coffee with him? You say he ‘stole’ a kiss, hand on heart, weren’t you at least hoping that he’d do that. You went willingly to meet this man, you dragged yourself into it. How did he manage to get hold of you? Did you block him on your phone/social media? I’m guessing you didn’t run it past anyone before you went for coffee, to get another perpective? Do not run towards pain and confusion. It’s okay that you made this error of judgement, but learn from your mistakes. Don’t give him a chance to ever contact you...block him!

I think you should talk to your therapist about why you would allow someone that caused you so much pain back into your life.

There's a line from a song : Don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours.

If your childhood was unstable and/or chaotic it may explain why you allow someone like this guy to routinely let you down and mess you around.

If I were you, I wouldn’t bring it up with your boyfriend. Consider it a blip of insanity on your part, while for the most part you were working hard on the right track for yourself and your kids.

This ‘honesty is the best policy’ stuff is sometimes used as a justification for people to vomit their guilt into someone else’s lap. You might feel better, but your boyfriend is left with a lap full of vomit. How does that help things? Be careful that you are not merely seeking out more drama by telling him.

Pull yourself up straight, block the ex, and get back on your track for a lovely Christmas with your DP and your kids. One of these days, a drama-free ‘normal’ life will begin to look good to you, and you’ll start being loyal to it.

Yes you do need to break the cycle of poor decisions, you do need stop making excuses and start taking responsibility for your actions and most importantly, you need to get off the dating carrousel until you work through your issues.

The new guy temporarily distracted you from the old one and that isn’t fair, especially on your children. You have issues and successive bf’s won’t fix them.

You need a new therapist, she/he needs to call you on the drama seeking.

I am shocked at how easily you are fucking up your childrens lives. Grow up- you dont have to have a boyfriend. Once you are a parent, your children's needs come before yours. Stop inviting a car crash into your life. You and your kids deserve more than this wanker.