AIBU- fallen out big time with my dad and it's going to ruin our last Christmas

[FairyF1]

I'd be really grateful for your views- I want to resolve the situation but don't know how. I know I am very emotional at the moment so am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I love my father a lot - he's terminally ill and I've been looking after him for a long time. Unfortunately his health is deteriorating and he's not getting sufficient care. He has had the same carer for over twenty years and clearly thinks a huge amount about her. Unfortunately her husband is unwell so she keeps cancelling at the last minute. Nine times in the past month she has cancelled and I've had to leave work/my family at very short notice to look after him. I am really worried about loosing my job. I have spoken to her and she says she wants to change the hours so she does more in the morning/less in the evening and can be with her husband. She doesn't want a cut in pay. Unfortunately that's not what dad needs (he needs more help in the evenings when he is weakest). I approached the Council who employ her but she arranged a meeting with dad and the social worker when I wasn't there and Dad said he was okay with this arrangement. Dad is dying, he can't see or hear and would say anything to keep the peace(he's in a lot of pain). I've put in a complaint to the council to say it wasn't appropriate for the meeting to go ahead in my absence /or the absence of someone who can advocate for him.

In the meantime Dad and i have fallen out. He said I'm creating a fuss , that I can simply do the hours that she used to do. I have told him I can't as I'm on a final warning at work already, that i cant afford to loose my job. I'm very upset - he's worried about the carer and what she'll do when he's gone but says absolutely nothing about me, I feel so hurt - I love him so much and just feel like he doesn't care. Ive tried to explain to him how I feel but he just dismisses it and says I will be fine . She I spoke just obsessed with what is going on with her husband. I was meant to spend the weekend with him, wrapping presents and on Tuesday am supposed to be taking him to a party at the hospice but I just can't stop crying and can't go. If I see the carer I literally think I will implode. I feel so angry that she's ruining our Christmas, he says it's all me and my fault. I don't know what to do. I don't have any brother or sisters and my Parents are divorced. What should I do?

Is she from a company?
If so Phone the carers coordinator/ boss explains the situation and ask for another carer who can provide the hours your father needs she is effectiveleffectively stealing from your father and the council as she is taking the money and not doing the work.

Are you sure she genuinely has a sick husband or is it all a con to make people feel guilty at complaining.
( Sorry I am very comical when it comes to carers who don't pull their weight and vulnerable adults. )

I think a spell in hospice to reassess medications might help. He might have less pain to cope with if palliative specialists are involved. It would also give you a chance to ask SS to reassess his care needs, and his capacity to decide on his own care.

I'm sorry to say but I think you would regret taking a hard line with your father. He's not himself, I'd imagine that he's frightened & very anxious.

Someone close to me died of Parkinson's and Dementia. It was horrible, absolutely terrible but I regret the times I lost patience & snapped at him. I was at the absolute end of my tether but I still feel guilty about it.

Could you take a break from work & take on the carers role yourself (ie getting paid for it instead of this other lady?)

Of
Course you can take it out on the career, she’s taking the piss, a blind man on a galloping horse can see that.
Obviously sneaky too, arranging the meeting without your presence, awful situation OP hope you find a resolve between you and your Dad.

This boils my piss and shows a fundamental imbalance in society and I don't believe it is getting any better - in fact, worse.

More of more rights being given to parents and parents in many offices get carte blanche to continually be late to work, or leave early, or have to take late notice days off because of child illness or closed schools etc but time off for a looking after a terminally ill parent? Nah, fuck that, you're on a final warning mate.

Bloody disgrace.

Do you know how ill the carers husband is? A seasonal virus or bug or a more serious illness.

Wishing you some strength here OP. Such a difficult time and you obviously feel lost. Start to take some control over the situation and I think you will feel better. No one (your work included) has made this easy for you) but I think in the grand scheme of things trying to keep the peace with your Dad is the only way to go for your peace of mind.

I agree a break in some hospice care sounds like it would give everyone some breathing space and help. Please try to look into.

he pays her the same amount each week (she gets it from the cash point) regardless of whether she works her hours or not

You need to put in a complaint to the council/her bosses re this.
She's basically taking advantage of a vulnerable person.

Thanks for all the responses- they've been really helpful. I took today as annual leave and have spent it trying to speak to the Council. After speaking to over nine people they have said the Assistant Director who may be able to help will phone me back sometime tomorrow- keep your fingers crossed. Thank you.

I should add that the carer she husband has diabetes so I think it's unlikely to improve.

Have I read this correctly? The carer is working less hours but taking the same amount of money?!

If that is true it's disgusting! think you should tell the carer that won't be happening any more. That you will be looking for another carer to cover the hours she isn't working.

X posted. Glad you've got the council onside!

Is there any spare money in the family that can be thrown at this problem to sort it out? The ideal solution would be to keep on this woman - he knows and trusts her and he is technically an adult in possession of his faculties, so his choice matters - but to protect his bank account and to employ another person to do the hours the carer can no longer do. If resources are available for this, I would pay.

This whole story is a very, very sad instance of how much caring work falls on women in spite of the rigours of full-time work. I honestly think it's not until care work is split 50/50 that employers will take a more humane line on these types of situation. I really feel for you OP.

^^This! Please do not risk your job over this OP, much as you love your dad it is unfair of him to expect you to do this.

Your poor dad. He must feel obligated to this woman and hate the thought of confrontation.

Your actions are correct to protect him and ensure he’s getting the care he needs, when he needs it.

I expect he’ll be annoyed but you really are doing the right thing.

She should be paid only for the hours she’s doing and if she can’t meet his needs, he needs another career who can. I hope you get a good result from the council. If they aren’t calling you back in the next 15mins, I’d chase them again otherwise you won’t get heard until tomorrow and actioned until after that. This needs dealing with ASAP!

Seems to me that boundaries have been blurred if not crossed from carer/person who needs care into friendship. Which is not good as he is making allowances for her that he probably wouldn't for another carer at the risk of losing his relationship with you. It's a shame it's come to this. I hope you can work something out. If it's your dad's last Christmas you will probably never forgive yourself if you don't try sort it.

Op I know this is difficult but please don't take what your dad is saying to you, to heart. You say he is terminally ill and deteriorating fast. I've watched my dad go through this and for the last few months his mind was very much affected by the medication. I know my dad said some dreadful things to my mum, which were very hard for her to hear, but we all knew it wasn't "him".

i hope you understand what I mean and I'm sure your dad loves you very much

Please, whatever happens keep visiting your dad and helping him when you can. Don't let this careers bad behaviour affect the relationship with your dad.

Please get in touch with your local hospice and if appropriate any local relevant charities such as Macmillan (if your father has cancer) or others that understand his situation. They can provide so much support and even speak to your employers if you wish them to.

I’m not sure of your financial circumstances but would a leave of absence from work be possible or feasible?

You will probably need a doctor referral for hospice care, but the hospice can guide you in this. Have a look at ‘hospice care’ on the www.nhs.uk website. It is helpful, and explains about respite and also hospice care in your own home.