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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU- fallen out big time with my dad and it's going to ruin our last Christmas

68 replies

FairyF1 · 17/12/2017 16:36

I'd be really grateful for your views- I want to resolve the situation but don't know how. I know I am very emotional at the moment so am not sure if I am being unreasonable.

I love my father a lot - he's terminally ill and I've been looking after him for a long time. Unfortunately his health is deteriorating and he's not getting sufficient care. He has had the same carer for over twenty years and clearly thinks a huge amount about her. Unfortunately her husband is unwell so she keeps cancelling at the last minute. Nine times in the past month she has cancelled and I've had to leave work/my family at very short notice to look after him. I am really worried about loosing my job. I have spoken to her and she says she wants to change the hours so she does more in the morning/less in the evening and can be with her husband. She doesn't want a cut in pay. Unfortunately that's not what dad needs (he needs more help in the evenings when he is weakest). I approached the Council who employ her but she arranged a meeting with dad and the social worker when I wasn't there and Dad said he was okay with this arrangement. Dad is dying, he can't see or hear and would say anything to keep the peace(he's in a lot of pain). I've put in a complaint to the council to say it wasn't appropriate for the meeting to go ahead in my absence /or the absence of someone who can advocate for him.

In the meantime Dad and i have fallen out. He said I'm creating a fuss , that I can simply do the hours that she used to do. I have told him I can't as I'm on a final warning at work already, that i cant afford to loose my job. I'm very upset - he's worried about the carer and what she'll do when he's gone but says absolutely nothing about me, I feel so hurt - I love him so much and just feel like he doesn't care. Ive tried to explain to him how I feel but he just dismisses it and says I will be fine . She I spoke just obsessed with what is going on with her husband. I was meant to spend the weekend with him, wrapping presents and on Tuesday am supposed to be taking him to a party at the hospice but I just can't stop crying and can't go. If I see the carer I literally think I will implode. I feel so angry that she's ruining our Christmas, he says it's all me and my fault. I don't know what to do. I don't have any brother or sisters and my Parents are divorced. What should I do?

OP posts:
Thedietstartsnow · 17/12/2017 17:44

Is there any chance your mum would help...they loved each other once...would he listen to her ,could she get him to see sense

DivisionBelle · 17/12/2017 17:58

Oh, goodness, OP, what a very distressing situation.

I think it is not realistic to expect your Dad to be reasonable, and I am sure it is not meant personally.

The carer is in a difficult situation but I think she is acting both unprofessionally and unethically.

And I daresay, because your Dad is so vulnerable he is frightened to switch to a new carer.

I think all you can do is tell the council that you are unable to offer tne care needed to complement any carer hours used up in tne morning and if they sanction the change for the existing carer they will need to provide additional hours.

You are absolutely right to prioritise keeping your job.

DivisionBelle · 17/12/2017 18:01

Jellie: so the OP’s employer is supposed to accommodate the knock on effects of the carer not doing her job at the time it is needed?

Good grief!

billybagpuss · 17/12/2017 18:01

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, such a horrid time for you xx

I am however worried for you, why does the carer have access to his cash card? If she knows his PIN for his bank and if any extra money has gone missing, the bank will not pay out as he has been negligent by divulging his PIN and whilst I don't want to question her honesty as she clearly has a great rapport with your Dad, it is something you need to be wary of. I would second what some others have said about why is she taking money for hours that she hasn't worked. If you do get chance it is worth sitting down with your Dad and looking through the statements etc.

The other thing you may be able to look into is are there any charity 'end of life' hospices near you? When FIL was very ill he was able to go in for a few days and it was such a great relief to SIL who was very much in the same situation as you and they were able to get the pain relief under control making life easier when he moved back home, he then went back in for the last few days and was able to go there as a day visitor so he got the help he needed. I also think there was a lot of luck in us having been put in touch with them as their resources are so stretched but they were so good please look into it.

Please don't feel that all the years of love and care you have given him count for nothing as they really do mean so much.

sending lots of hugs.

pollydollymolly · 17/12/2017 18:05

You are not in the wrong but you have to respect your Fathers wishes and just go with what he wants. When they are still with you you can't really imagine them not because around but when they're gone it's permanent 😢.

GoReylo · 17/12/2017 18:10

The carer has put you in an awful position. You can't expect your DF to be rational, of course he'll want to keep the carer he's known for two decades, but she should be well aware he needs more help in the evenings. She's prioritizing her income and her own family over his wellbeing.

Is there anyone at all who would help for the time being - your mother, a neighbour, a cousin? Or is it perhaps time to talk about hospice care?

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 18:12

Yes I too would be worried about this carer having his bank card and presumably his PIN. I would be checking his statements and his bank account if I were you. Also, she is taking advantage of the situation, but withdrawing money she has not worked for, any decent carer would not do that. They would say I only worked X hours this week so it will be X pounds. He is vulnerable due to his illness, he might not be thinking straight, and the cancer could have affected his cognitive ability. It does not sound like he can make informed choices.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 18:14

If she cannot work, she should be going back to the care agency and telling them this, so that they can provide care for op dad in the evening. She is not doing this. Is she part of a care company?

GoReylo · 17/12/2017 18:14

You are not in the wrong but you have to respect your Fathers wishes and just go with what he wants. When they are still with you you can't really imagine them not because around but when they're gone it's permanent

It's not that simple. The OP has a family to support who will still be there and need her after her DF is gone. Did you miss the bit about her being on a final warning at work?

And everyone knows death is permanent.

lunar1 · 17/12/2017 18:18

The carers behaviour is unprofessional and unethical. You can't take money from a dying man for a job you are not doing. I'm frankly shocked at anyone defending her.

If she can't do all the hours your dad needs she should have been honest and said a second career was needed.

You are in an absolutely impossible situation op. And I can see you will end up sucking up the situation for the sake of your relationship with your dad. Tread carefully, she could be taking more advantage than you can see right now. Does she have other clients she could be manipulating in the same way?

Mosaic123 · 17/12/2017 18:22

Can you ask the carer if she knows anyone that can swap around with her so that your father gets cover when he needs it.

Your DF may accept a new person if the carer has organised it.

I think you need to speak, gently, but firmly in private to the carer.

It's unaceptable that your father doesn't get the hours he needs.

The current carer could train the additional one a little to make it easier to handover.

Such a difficult situation for you OP.

jedenfalls · 17/12/2017 18:40

I read it that the carer wants to do the same hours but in the morning, not the evening. Not that she wants paying for hours she isn't doing.

As for stepping back.

Yes, it sounds awful but firstly , you only need to do it a few times to get the adult services to take note. And secondly, those saying how horrible she would be if she did this. Why is SHE the selfish one? Her father is expecting her to risk losing her job (and maybe all that goes with that, her house? poverty? Who knows ?) because he CBA to agree to another carer.

It is literally no skin off his nose to have an additional carer it would make an unbelievable difference to the OPs life and yet... he won't do it. He doesn't want a fuss. Unfortunately that means the poor op HAS to make a fuss if she wants to keep her job. Why does she count for nothing?

It is this bullshit social pressuring that causes so many women to burn out.

scater · 17/12/2017 18:44

How awful for you. Could I suggest you call the hospice tomorrow. They will have a family support team who are there to help your dad and those who love him. They will have social workers and other support staff, independent of the council who could maybe help you navigate such a difficult situation.

jedenfalls · 17/12/2017 18:44

In fact, OP if he is ringing you 10 times a day, maybe he isn't coping at all, and this is the time to consider a hospice or nursing home that can offer specialist care and pain management.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 18:48

Dad receives direct payments from the council - he pays her the same amount each week (she gets it from the cash point) regardless of whether she works her hours or not

This is wrong, and taking advantage of a vulnerable person, any decent carer would not do this! She is taking money that is not hers!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 18:50

Really if your dad is dying, he really needs full time care, or hospice care which cannot be provided where he is. I would look into hospice.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 18:53

Irrespective of the carers circumstances, the carer is paid to take care of him, if she cannot provide that care, another carer needs to be found to provide the care she cannot, or to find another carer. Your dad is not in the right frame of mind to be making decisions, you need to take control. My dad was looked after by my adult sister ( I was 11 at the time) in her home full time when he was terminal, with the help of carers. Unless he has somebody to look after him in his home full time, he really needs a hospice now.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 18:53

You need to be taking control of that card from him and paying the carer yourself.

DivisionBelle · 17/12/2017 18:54

Pollydollymolly: and job loss could be permanent for the OP too!

Quite why she should put her own family at risk in this way in order to facilitate a professional carer getting paid in full for changing her job to hours when she is not needed, I don’t know!

My parents have a carer. We, the family, fully understand when she needs to take time to focus on her own family. She tells us? Other arrangements are made and she wouldn’t dream of behaving as your Dad’s carer is. When she takes a week off, she re-assures them and prepares them for a replacement.

The OP already feels wretched, she doesn’t need guilt tripping.

Op; I think respite time in a hospice could help.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/12/2017 18:59

I totally agree Devision, why should op put the carers situation above that of her father, that is not right. My dd 10 has ASD and learning difficulties and a carer is paid for to take her to her clubs by SS. Our carer would never dream of doing what this carer is doing, and if she cannot make it, she tries to find another carer that can, or if not she does not get paid and is totally fine with that.

It is wrong what that carer is doing, taking money for hours that she has not worked, why is that right, and taking from a vulnerable adult.

Mosaic123 · 17/12/2017 19:26

If you have a part time job (whatever it is) and you cannot work those hours anymore you can ASK to change to different hours but if it is not acceptable to the employer (OP's DF) then that's hard luck.

This needs to be sorted out and very quickly. I think asking the Hospice to give advice (and perhaps speak to the carer on OP's behalf) is the right course of action now.

SmokeintheR00m · 17/12/2017 21:03

Your father should have set up a direct debit or standing order to pay the carer, not given her his card and Pin. Who provides cover when the carer is on holiday or sick? I suggest that you set up things as though you do not live close. Ensure that cover is provided in the evening. Protect your job and your family

Voice0fReason · 17/12/2017 23:10

If he gets Direct Payments, who is doing the payroll?
This isn't down to the Council to sort out if she is employed directly. Could you contact her to clarify what she is doing.

Cricrichan · 17/12/2017 23:35

I understand both sides. Your dad has been cared for by this carer for 20 years. He's dying and does not want someone he doesn't know caring for him. I'm sure his carer also wants to care for him because she could easily find a job that fits her hours.

I think you should speak to her and try and negotiate a part time position with her. Explain that he's in a lot of pain in the evenings so he needs a carer then the most. Maybe she could do a job share with someone and could you afford some extra care?

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place op but consider it from your father's pov too. Don't let this ruin your Christmas.

Cricrichan · 17/12/2017 23:35

Your last Christmas with him, I mean.