Advice

[Curiousgeorgey]

Been together 9 years, marriage is most likely on the cards in the next year or two. Two children together. I do most of the childcare and running of the house whilst he has a well paying stressful job.

Recently we've been.struggling to get on. Mostly petty arguments but a few that get me quite down. He can be quite possessive and jealous and blames this on his two parents dying at a young age and his need to try to ensure he doesnt lose the rest of his family.

But his actions have began to make me feel down especially on a night out. I feel myself not enjoying it and over thinking the way I act as I know the questions to follow the next morning. Id now rather just come home.

We're currently not speaking as I went out on friday night for an overnight for my sisters birthday. We were delayed getting back and didn't get home until 4pm and he had his works night out (hes the boss and is taking his team out).

He was nagging me to hurry up on the phone so I was annoyed as there was no way I could hurry and I kept him updated about delays. He was angry that I was annoyed when I got home. He shouted and swore and kicked a toy as we were having an argument.

He was annoyed that he wasnt ready as he felt unable to get ready for his night out with two kids. Yet I use their nap times whenever I need to do things like this and so I said it was his own fault.

So he went out and knew I was unhappy about his temper tantrums but we were atleast speaking. I wake up at half past 6 and hes still not home. Call him and apparently hes been waiting for a taxi in his team mates house since 5am although they did miss a taxi too. And hes been taking cocaine which he knows I don't like.he eventually gets home at 8am.

Im now upset again as he knows that would make me unhappy on top of last nights events yet doesn't seem to care enough.to stop him.

Then there's the fact that know his team mates were taking drugs with their boss it opens him.up to loss of respect and possible blackmail when we (his family) rely on his job.

He assures me that wont happen but why risk it!

Im crap at verbalising my.feelings and knowing when to let things go or not. Im really upset but dont want to carry this into our christmas break.

He leaves today as well for two days to travel for work so not much time to sort things out.

More bullying!!! Yes speak to woman's aid they can help you, recommend solicitors who will give you half an hour advice free of charge etc.

Do you have somewhere you could go to?

You are the primary carer you can leave with the DC. If you needed to relocate for family support and he is away so much and has little involvement then a court is unlikely to force you back to be local to him.

Ideally you would stay reasonably close to facilitate contact but it wouldn't surprise me if he refused to have them overnight etc as he wouldn't want you able to rebuild your life...

You are in an incredibly vulnerable position financially, OP. If you split up when you're not married, you can kiss goodbye to your standard of living. He would have to pay child support and that would be it.

Well its too late now. Wtf am I supposed to do.

What do you mean by your post?.

I would also contact the Rights of Women charity:-

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

My post was in response to mybrilliantdisguise. It just upset me. Not much I can do with regards to marriage now. If I split now, without being married then I can kiss goodbye to my standard of living? Well ofcourse but what can I do now? Marry him then split?

Of course not but just made me upset that my children would most likely suffer if we split. Living in poverty I don't know. But what can I do.

Im so upset right now. Its not what I want.

Georgie

This is yet more bullying from him. Its low of him also to use these children in such a manner.

You certainly cannot marry him under any circumstances.

They are suffering by seeing this man abuse you via controlling you. Is this what you want them to see; that yes this is how men treat women in relationships for them to potentially repeat themselves as adults?.

They would rather have you happy and free from abuse than be together with this man in a five bed house.

You can remain in this set-up as whipping boy and skivvy - or plan a life for yourself and your DC, where YOU are in control.

A salaried Housekeeper wouldn't put up with this abuse - why should YOU?

Further back in the thread, you said you were living the dream. You can't seriously think this? You sound terribly unhappy. You can't stay with an emotional bully because he provides you with a reasonable standard of living. Life is too short to be so miserable.

No, other people say this to me and it makes me think am I? I dont say that myself. It just confuses me. It isnt always like this but when it is its awful and makes me feel terrible

When you get to the Freedom Programme it will clarify to you whether your partner is or isn't abusive. No more guessing or agonising.

Contact your local Womens Aid to ask all the questions buzzing around in your head. They will support you and give you up to date advice.

or Womens Aid national helpline is 0808 2000 247 but lines are busy during the day , best to call overnight if possible.

Thank you.

Ive spoken to him and as I have more and more situations come to mind and confirm to me that its definitely not right.

Hes devastated. Feels awful sick. Said he s disgusted with himself. He admits its emotional abuse. Promises to get help and change.

Im skeptical however. I dunno the damage is already done. Ive altered my behaviour to avoid the accusations and questions. So even if he stops I cant stop feeling this way.

Aftrr Christmas im focusing on getting a job. Which is sad as financially as a family we dont need to. I love beibg there for my kids. I dont know how and if ill afford child care but ill try. Not sure what ill

Sorry posted too soon.

Not sure what ill do during the school holidays or kids sickness. It hurts that I cant be with them as much as I want because im too vulnerable.

Just a quick update.

He came home last night, begging for me to give him another chance and stick my him whilst he goes for counselling and change his works habit.

I say yes, try to really think its all going to change but deep down I know its not. Can they ever change their jealous and possesive ways.

He posted in a forum asking for help to change which he doesnt know I seen. He said he was emotionally abusive and gave the reasons of hus parents dying. Said he was about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. How I helped him turn his life around and enabled him to be in the position hes in now with regards to work.

I asked him what would happen if we were to split. He said hed need to work it all out but that id get what im owed. So I said no 50%? And he said he didnt think I was entitled to his inheritance of 10k so 5k each.

Even though thats always been our money. I worked so hard to sell the house, meeting eatate agents, calling lawyers, doing a private sale eventually, meeting the buyers. I done all of this. Then he had a bad credit rating so we used the money as a deposit on our first home and I had that all in my name. And due to this the 10k turned to 30k through that investment.

So I think we should split it if we split.

He doesn't like talking about it as its as if im forming an exit plan but I told him as mother of two with no income I need to know where I stand.

Well, at least you know now that any talk about being fair with the money before was at best different opinions on what is fair, and at worst utter lying bullshit.

If he's begging you, then if you want to let him try, I'd put 2 conditions on it:

• he books individual and couples counselling
• all your savings get halved and put into separate accounts in your own names

If he won't do both those things, he's not committed and isn't worth your time letting him try.

Are you sure he didn't know you'd find his forum post? Hell of a coincidence that you use forums and he knew you wouldn't see it... And yet you did.