Advice

[Curiousgeorgey]

Been together 9 years, marriage is most likely on the cards in the next year or two. Two children together. I do most of the childcare and running of the house whilst he has a well paying stressful job.

Recently we've been.struggling to get on. Mostly petty arguments but a few that get me quite down. He can be quite possessive and jealous and blames this on his two parents dying at a young age and his need to try to ensure he doesnt lose the rest of his family.

But his actions have began to make me feel down especially on a night out. I feel myself not enjoying it and over thinking the way I act as I know the questions to follow the next morning. Id now rather just come home.

We're currently not speaking as I went out on friday night for an overnight for my sisters birthday. We were delayed getting back and didn't get home until 4pm and he had his works night out (hes the boss and is taking his team out).

He was nagging me to hurry up on the phone so I was annoyed as there was no way I could hurry and I kept him updated about delays. He was angry that I was annoyed when I got home. He shouted and swore and kicked a toy as we were having an argument.

He was annoyed that he wasnt ready as he felt unable to get ready for his night out with two kids. Yet I use their nap times whenever I need to do things like this and so I said it was his own fault.

So he went out and knew I was unhappy about his temper tantrums but we were atleast speaking. I wake up at half past 6 and hes still not home. Call him and apparently hes been waiting for a taxi in his team mates house since 5am although they did miss a taxi too. And hes been taking cocaine which he knows I don't like.he eventually gets home at 8am.

Im now upset again as he knows that would make me unhappy on top of last nights events yet doesn't seem to care enough.to stop him.

Then there's the fact that know his team mates were taking drugs with their boss it opens him.up to loss of respect and possible blackmail when we (his family) rely on his job.

He assures me that wont happen but why risk it!

Im crap at verbalising my.feelings and knowing when to let things go or not. Im really upset but dont want to carry this into our christmas break.

He leaves today as well for two days to travel for work so not much time to sort things out.

Also he says "I know how to push his buttons" when I complain about him.being aaggressive. For instance when I came in from being late I didnt speak to him because I just couldn't be bothered with any more complaining.

He then told me he would drive to the pub (half an hour away) I would drive home with the kids (so basically drop him off). I said no and that's when he kicked the toy and told me why did I do other people favours (he thought I was late because I was doing it as a favour to my family as they wanted to stay late which wasnt the case) and not for him (when I do him favours all the time).

I keep going over things thinking was I in the wrong. Can we work through this. I dont know.

But after he shouted, swore and kicked the toy he went to get ready and I sat on the couch crying with my DS saying dont cry mum. And its fucking awful and not what I want for him. Im so disappointed.

I am really sorry but this is the abusers script. It's your fault, you push his buttons, he should always come first no matter the impact on anyone else

Using your previous history as a reason to punish and name call! He knew this when you married/had kids it's bullshit there would an issue even if you were a virgin. Does he always kick off when you see your family?

I know but then on the other hand I think would I be annoyed if I was waiting on him to go my christmas night out? Would I be annoyed if he came in and didn't speak to me. Im not sure.

But then again I wouldn't wait for.Him to get ready id just get ready and deal with having the kids too.

Also the fake tan issue was specifically that id fake tanned my stomach. I usually fake tan every week just face and arms quickly to give me a quick colour on these. I cant be bothered doing full body all the time.

But.on that particular day I had done my stomach as I was wearing a shirt that sometimes went up and exposed my back but he assumed id done this for my night out the previous week (whislt he was away) which wasnt the case. I think he thought I'd done my full body in case I ended up in bed with a man after the night out or something. Im not sure.

Thing is I dont have a job. Not even my own bank account really. We share a car. Both names on mortgage.

If I left id be going to my mums two bed house to share a room with my two kids from a five bed house. No income. And I fear id be making a mistake.

You told him the trains were messed up, he was giving you grief instead of getting himself ready etc. You knew you would get more earache when you got back.

You did everything you could so he could be ready on time but that wasn't good enough...

He didn't think you fake tanned your stomach for another man.
He really didn't.
In fact - he didn't even care why you did it.

It just gave him a nice opportunity to have a go at you and keep you in your place. Because that's what he likes.

Forget everyone else saying you're lucky.

Your not. Your life sounds fucking horrendous to me, actually.

You have accepted a bargain where he gets to treat you like shit, for his money.

I know you're not a gold digger - I know it's about keeping your family together too, not just the lifestyle.

But bottom line, you are selling our soul. Selling your happiness. It's incredibly damaging for your son to see you cry over this too. So you're selling his happiness too. Is a lifestyle worth that? Talk to Women's Aid.

I think you're finally starting to see that you are not lucky at all. Far from it

Do the Freedom Programme. This will clarify for you what is and what isn't abusive controlling behaviour. It really will clear the cobwebs from your head.

I've linked Freedom Programme in-person groups - it's better to go along to a group if you can. (If there is an issue with you accounting for time you're out of the house then that should tell you something isn't quite right..)

You say you're not married. hmm. You're in a very vulnerable position financially if you're not married as you're not working and, should you split, you'd be stuffed financially.

I'd rather share a room temporarily with my two children where I am happy and they are not being taught to repeat abuse, than get to swan around in a 5 bed house

I dont know, financially I think Id be ok. I know he would be the required maintenance. And I checked a benefits calculator and would be entitled to something. My mum wouldnt charge much.

We have savings which I know I would get half of. I dont think hed be unreasonable with regards to financially. Weve always agreed we'd share half of everything so if that comes true not sure what marriage would provide further to this.

Thanks ill look into the programme.

I mean more for my kids. I don't want them to be sharing a room with me. Leaving their rooms and friends. It just breaks my heart.

Just dont know if its actually abuse or just silly arguments. I know its wrong but It just doesn't feel bad enough to split my family up.

With my dad I remember explosive rows, physical violence, a feeling of relief when he went out.

With dp there isnt much atmosphere when hes around. He works pretty much constantly and just leaves me to it. I have dinner alone with the kids, dp may come.down stairs for half an hour to see them before bed, sometimes not.

Then he comes down stairs and contiues to work on his laptop whilst we watch tv. Thats it really. I do know id be ok as I am alone a lot of the time anyway with him working away or a lot.

Ds adores him though. He really does.

You really think you're going to get half of those savings when you disobey this abusive and controlling man, and when you don't have the protection of marriage?

Whose name are those savings in now? (I can guess the answer)

PLEASE speak to Women's Aid and a solicitor before you make a move.

So what if his son adores him?
He's still going to see him.
In fact, he'll see him more when as a single parent his father actually has to do some parenting, not swan in for 30 mins a day.

We have about 10m savings at present maube slightly more in his name.

We also have about 30-40k in the house equity which is in both our names so im assuming should be split equally legally?

I dont know the thought of womans aid and solicitors scares me.

Yeah - that's true. The thought of being apart from them all of the time really breaks my heart. My daughter is so attached and my son so sensitive.

Hes not the kind of dad to take them out just because. Would never take them to the park or give me a break. So maybe thay would change for them and be nice.

If you talk to Women's Aid first, and then a solicitor, nothing has to change.

All that is different, is that you know your rights and how best to protect yourself if you decide at some point to split.

Surely it's far more scary to not know?

I get that you're scared that talking to people makes it real, makes you admit to yourself that something isn't right here, and that there might be a split. But you've already done that

Having information from professionals doesn't force you to do anything. It's less scary than being ignorant, trust me!

Is £10m in savings a typo? Unusual to have that in savings yet only £40k equity. Do you mean £10k?

Yes, god sorry! 10k

Ha ha! I hoped it was £10m but would have been surprised

I can't get past the fact that he couldn't get ready because he has 2 kids to look after.
Welcome to the real world!

What do womans aid do? Would they be able to advise my rights? If not how do I speak to a solicitor? Would I need to pay?

Id be interested in my rights financially and with regards to contact. He would want the kids as much as possible and has said in the past I can leave but the kids will remain in the home as this is their home. But given his work commitments it wouldnt be possible.