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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just don't know how I can help things anymore

29 replies

choochie · 22/04/2007 10:10

DP and I are due to marry in 6 weeks time abroad.

Just over a year ago now I had a friendship with a guy I used to go to school with, we walked to school together and got to be good friends, I never dreamed of telling DP about it because he is quite jealous and possessive and I just knew he wouldn't understand. Anyway the big holidays came and I gave this man my number so we could meet up one day for a chat in the park with the kids (as it was just chat nothing more). He was having problems with his wife and I think I was his shoulder to cry on, anyway we texted each other a few times just as friends and one day when he was especially down I said he could come and meet me at lunch time and we could have a chat. Anyway DP found this text and he hit the roof!!! He told this guy's wife and pandemonium began!!! It was a really horrible time (although deserved I know) but then we sorted things out and DP and I decided that we really loved each other and wanted to work this out and so we started to make plans to marry.

DP has always been so troubled and emotional before it happened but for about 2 months now he has become more and more moody and withdrawn and I know I haven't been brill as I have had very bad PMT but last night things came to a head when DP had been drinking and he basically said he was still torn apart by what I did and kept asking why I felt the need to be a friend to another man?

After hours of arguing, talking and crying we went to bed but I really don't see how we can marry now, he doesn't trust me at all in any sense of the word and I just feel so utterly empty of hope for our future now.

So sorry for it being so long.....

OP posts:

littlemissbossy · 22/04/2007 10:20

IME it takes a long time to build up trust again even though nothing "happened" between you and this other guy. You were still doing something behind your DPs back - sorry, don't want to sound judgemental - I just know how it feels on the receiving end.

Does he want to marry you? and do you want to marry him?

Original poster

choochie · 22/04/2007 10:23

Thanks for replying, no it doesn't sound judgmental at all.

Well I want to marry him we have 2 children and have been together 8 years. I thought he wanted to but last night I asked him and he said he wasn't sure.....its just all such a mess its all booked, his parents will be heartbroken as they are coming with us.

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Original poster

choochie · 22/04/2007 10:25

He also feels terribly insecure which has made him even more possessive and jealous, he complains about the things I wear the colour of my hair everything as he now believes I am looking for someone else which I really am not.

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lulumama · 22/04/2007 10:28

stop right there

you should be saying that you want to marry him because you love him, want to spend the rest of your life with him , grow old together...not because it will upset his parents not to, or because you have children...

sounds like at the least you should postpone, if not cancel

you have to ask yourself why you allowed this to develop with this other man..not an affair obviously , but an emotional closeness that you hid from your DP

Original poster

choochie · 22/04/2007 10:33

I do love him totally, he's my best friend and would do anything for me, the kids adore him too.

DP has asked me this too, he said why if I was happy did I feel the need to strike up a friendship with him but I just cannot answer that. I don't know why myself because I definitely wasn't unhappy at the time.

I guess this guy did give me a bit of attention though and did make me feel better about myself.

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lulumama · 22/04/2007 10:53

ultimately it is your decision, but doens;t sound great..no relationship is perfect, and something was lacking , so probably a good idea to work on that ...

Original poster

choochie · 22/04/2007 12:43

Neither of us good with emotions so very hard to sit and talk feelings through, DP started to cry last night and I just didn't know how to feel about it.

Thanks for your advice anyway Lulumama

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bubblymummy · 22/04/2007 13:05

I too have a possesive partner. By all means really ask yourself why you did this behind his back but, at the same time, you can't miss out on friendships as dp feel insecure.

A bit of honesty in this situation would do you both the world of good - you can do your best to make him feel secure but he also has do something about it himself.

xxxx

mytwopenceworth · 22/04/2007 13:11

my advice would be

do not marry him thinking that act of committment will make him more secure. it wont. many men who are like this become much worse after marriage - they feel you are now their property. and you can become a prisoner. it can also be this type of thing that can become physical in some cases.

so i would suggest postpone all thoughts of marriage until he has sorted out his issues, normally some form of therapy is needed.

i fear that you would be walking into a very bad situation if this issue is not resolved prior to marriage.

oh btw - it was very wrong to hide a friendship from him. that would suggest to anyone that there was something to hide, not just someone prone to jealousy. far better to let him know this person is a friend and involve him in that friendship. meet up as a foursome, be open. of course that ship has sailed now but it is a lesson for the future.

i do wish you both the best of luck.

thegardener · 22/04/2007 18:51

why didn't you want to tell him in the first place about your friend having marital problems? i too would be hurt if my dh didn't share with me something like this.

could you consider inviting him & his wife round to your house & show a united front with your 'dh to be' it may solve problems with your partner.

Original poster

choochie · 23/04/2007 11:12

Only if I wanted blood shed all over my house the Gardener could I invite them around.

My partner is very jealous and possessive and he hates this guy now with a vengeance.

I wasn't able to tell him about the friendship because I knew how he would react to it, wrong I know. I have to question, like so many have said why I felt the need to strike up a friendship with another man and I think this is the hardest thing of all to face up to the failings in our relationship.

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Anniegetyourgun · 23/04/2007 13:16

I thought my partner would relax and start to trust me once we got married. He didn't.

I thought he'd relax and start to trust me once we had children. He didn't.

I thought he'd relax and start to trust me after a few years of me showing affection and loyalty and evidently NOT running off after other people. He didn't.

I thought he'd relax and start to trust me if I explained, reasoned, argued, cried about it. He didn't.

I thought he'd relax and start to trust me when I got middle aged and fat and wore drab clothes so no-one would fancy me anyway. He didn't.

Eventually, after over 20 years, we had the terminal blow-up over an affair I never had with a man I never met. There was more wrong with the marriage than that, but that was the decider.

They don't change.

catnip · 23/04/2007 13:40

Oh Anniegetyourgun, that made me feel really sad. So sorry.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/04/2007 13:50

Thanks Catnip, but I got four beautiful boys out of it, and we had some quite good times together in between the misunderstandings, so it wasn't all bad news. If it had been nastier I'd never have let it go on for so long. It's just that if I'd realised those things would NEVER get better I wouldn't have married him. The OP's situation sounds worse if anything, as my STBXH used to turn his anxieties in on himself and there would never be a question of violence, whereas Choochie's DP sounds worryingly capable of it. I'd advise her to think very, very carefully before becoming even more committed to such an insecure person.

themoon66 · 23/04/2007 13:58

mytwopenceworth - agree with your post.

Do not marry him. Rod for own back and all that.

Original poster

choochie · 23/04/2007 14:01

I must admit its not the first time I have posted on MN about the insecurities of my partner.

When children whom adore their father and haven't spent one night in their lives without him being there though just makes my heart ache. I grew up without a Dad and I want my kids to have their Dad around them all the time, not just weekends.

I know I am making excuses...

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swifterella · 23/04/2007 14:10

oh dear this is quite deep rooted isnt it?
You wont have failed if this doesnt work out and your not to be ashamed or embaressed either if you cancel your wedding

all you did was share a few txts with a male friend.

he sounds a bit of a pathetic nobber TBH

Original poster

choochie · 23/04/2007 16:29

good explanation!!!

I think he has always been insecure, long before I did what I did. I was in the wrong I know for being secretive about it but I wouldn't have dared tell him as he would not like me to have a friendship with a man - he's managed to get rid of all my female friends too over the years. I only ever go out if its with him which doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

OP posts:

swifterella · 23/04/2007 18:26

oh dear i think you know what you need to do...

why do you love this man?

lulumama · 23/04/2007 18:27

oooh..sounding less and less like a Good Idea

swifterella · 23/04/2007 18:29

my thinking exactly.

October · 23/04/2007 18:34

Message withdrawn

madamez · 23/04/2007 21:59

Sorry Choochie but run away from this tragic f*ckup now. Every alarm bell is ringing: this is very much the sort of bloke who gets physical. Nothing you can do will fix him if he isn't prepared to try to fix himself.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2007 22:06

He sounds emotionally abusive.

Run!

Original poster

choochie · 24/04/2007 11:25

If it was just me I would have ran years ago but my children are very happy as they are but their worlds would be torn apart if I broke up with their Dad they really would and as it really affected me as a child when my Dad left when I was 4 I have tried to do all I can to sort through our problems.

He really isn't too bad the majority of the time.

OP posts:

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