So I slapped him...

[worsethanever]

Back story so no drip feed.

Have been together 20 years. Married 10. Two children under 6.

In the last year or so he has become physically and verbally abusive. This has involved viscous name calling and pushing me or restraining me which has led to bruises (in front of the children). I have never physically retaliated.

Today he started up the verbal in front of the children. Full in my face shouting and spitting. Saying our children are spoiled brats and I make them worse. I was trying to keep the peace and quieten them down.

He was millimetres from my face just raging. I don't know why I did it, it was not premeditated but I slapped him hard across the face. He walked away because he'd never 'hit' a woman.

I'm at my wits end. I've lowered myself to his level and I'm disgusted with myself. I lashed out (in front of the children) because I was cornered and angry, but it's no excuse. I've been excusing him for so long and now I've dropped to his level and I can't excuse myself.

This is beyond fixing isn't it?

It is your children that concern me. Rule number one in child-rearing is never never disagree about them in front of them.

It really sounds as though your relationship has no solid positive basis on which to build.

Don't blame yourself or listen to aggressive posters OP. You know the score. Get as much advice and support tomorrow as you can. Solicitors will give you a free half hour. Gather as many as you can. Women aid will (I believe) also be a font of information. Gather your info and options at this stand. Good luck with the sickly children -that in Itself can be soul destroying.

Take your time to leave him properly and with financial safety for your children. It will help if you have a record of what has happened - speak to your GP and friends. Speak to the welfare officer at school and explain the situation.

I also think that some of the posts on here border on abusive themselves - a sort of verbal kicking and an insisting that you see that the poster's viewpoint is the only right one.

I think you are judging yourself very harshly. I think some posters are being sanctimonious abd judgemental as well.

You aren't an abuser but he is. Stop with your self hatred and berating yourself. Start planning and changing.

Find a lawyer. Go and talk to them - ideally get one recommended to you. Look up local charities in your area - your husband is abusive and recognise that as such. Try women's charities, women's aid etc etc.
Ring fence your money and your mortgage if it is joint. Take half out of joint accounts now.
Try to insist on your mortgage that both of you need to agree to any extensions. Take yours and the kids passports and financial documents and anything small you love - jewellery, certificates, photos, documents, letters and leave them with a friend or locked away st work. Once you employ a solicitor they may look after them for you. Move this stuff TOMORROW MORNING.

Try to see a lawyer this week. Go and speak to the school and ask their advice and tell them you are leaving and to show them you are aware things need to change.

Stop sharing a bed with him. I am sleeping on the sofa or kids floor. Be civil and polite and dont badmouth him to the kids. Tell him you want a divorce. Be open and age appropriate with the kids. My child's bigggest issue was that I allowed DH to bully me. He knew I stood up for kids and pets but he was angry I accepted it myself. I did it to keep the peace

This is going to be really hard but you can do it. You have a job and money. That is more than I have! You have the strength and you will realise that his presence has been weighing you abd kids down. There is no going back but that isn't because of your slap. It is because he has abused you for a few years. It ends now. There is no working this out. Yes your kids deserve so much more than this, but so do you

You have t got the time or energy for self blame. These are an indulgence you cannot afford. They are also dangerous in that they can slow you and cause enough guilt to make you stay. Use this incident to push you into action.

Be honest with people. Commit to ending the relationship and just keep moving forward. That is what you do.

I take it back then about the stress induced vomiting. And SS, but the school welfare officer calling will have been reported.

You need to be careful op. Your kids are not in a great environment.

Happy to be called judgemental and sanctimonious when I hear that children have disclosed abuse and parents have covered it up. Rather that than be with the crowd who thinks that there is nothing wrong.

You think calling me out (and yes, I do take it to include me as I have posted rather bluntly) is going to bother me anymore than hearing about children living with family violence?

You're wrong.

@differentnameforthis

I forgot 'pompous' as well.

Do you see me telling her their family life is fine? No, you don't, because I don't think it is. And nor does she. She knows that she needs to make changes and I have made strong suggestions what she should do, all of which involve leaving the marriage.

You, on the other hand, have sucked your teeth at her, told her how shit she is and how much trouble she is in. All in the spirit of letting us all know how much you love kids and hate shit parents. Which post is going to help? To make her feel as though she is strong enough to leave?

I'm not bothered what you think about my post. But don't try to portray me as some some easy-going slacker who tells everyone they are marvellous huns. I haven't said anything of the sort.

I don't think you're going to be able to have a civil conversation about this with him, so i would make arrangements to leave whilst he is at work. If he's not going to leave, then you'll have to. This is not even close to a healthy or safe relationship.

PugonToast

I do think kids who are witnessing & experiencing family violence are important. I didn't say she was a shit parent, she has made a string errors in relation to her dh's abuse towards her and the children, and now she has added to that.

I won't apologise for looking out for children.

@PugonToast thank you for your very helpful post last night. I have the documents needed out of the house now. A colleague is keeping them for me. Small steps, I'm tied to the house today as both children are unable to go to school.

He went to work today and 'ahem' accidentally took my car keys. Coincidence? I think not.

@differentnameforthis I feel shit enough already. Thanks for sticking the boot in. It's certainly not supportive to make a Mum who already feels she's failing to tell her she's ruining her children. I already know I've fucked up.

To others who have offered sage advice I thank you for taking time to affirm what I felt was right. When you are in the thick of it sometimes your judgement is clouded and some honest, non judgmental opinions can give you the strength you need to know you may have made mistakes in the past but you can fix the future. Some of you are obviously testament to that.

OP, another DV survivor here. Just wanted to say that after the initial drama and heartache, life gets SO much better. For the kids as well! Wishing you all the best.

@differentnameforthis OP is fighting for her children. It is not uncommon for abused partners to not have the strength of conviction or emotional strength to make a move immediately. She is trying to do that now and needs support not judgement. We all care about the children's well-being but Mum has to be in a good place to support their needs too.

Well done today OP, one day at a time, I hope the kids are feeling better. Have you managed to contact a solicitor?

Stayingput.uk.net aim to help the abused partner and children stay in the family home including lock changes and lots of other support.

No one is expecting her to "make a move" immediately.

To me, it sounds like the impact of witnessing and being part of D&FV on the children is not being taken seriously.

I make no apology for pointing out that they are struggling and the consequences of continued witnessing of abuse.

You need to call Women's Aid 24 hour Helpline and get put into a Refuge! Doesn't cost anything (besides a nominal amount of rent) and they will help you get a Non-M Injunction against him which will mean he cannot take the kids alone (in a roundabout way).

PLEASE PLEASE call Women's Aid

Find a good family solicitor who understands domestic abuse and get some advice on an occupation order. Your local women’s aid or other DV service will help, ring the main women’s aid helpline and they can tell you who the local service is.

@differentnameforthis
She is leaving her husband.
How is that not taking it seriously? Splitting a marriage doesn't end like it does in the movies. Spouses refuse to leave the house. They hide and withhold money. Start portraying the petitioning partner as mad. Follow the crazy grabby wife script. It is really hard. And then you have to most important of all, manage the children's well being.

The kids and her aren't in immediate danger. She is taking the steps to go but it is a difficult time of year to do anything. She has started the process. You can't just kick a co-house owner out you know!

You repeatedly are saying "won't anyone think of the kids?" As though you are the only protagonist here. I'm thinking of them she's thinking of them. Other posters are thinking of them.

It is just we are saying more useful and motivating things than judging and catastrophising. We are encouraging and giving practical advice. You are hindering and upsetting.

You are being deliberately obtuse. That or you have such poor communication and comprehension skills you ready shouldnt be posting on a thread like this.

@worsethanever
You are doing really well. Keep going. Keep planning. Make sure you have enough money squirrelled away in the event of him withholding all cash. X