So I slapped him...

[worsethanever]

Back story so no drip feed.

Have been together 20 years. Married 10. Two children under 6.

In the last year or so he has become physically and verbally abusive. This has involved viscous name calling and pushing me or restraining me which has led to bruises (in front of the children). I have never physically retaliated.

Today he started up the verbal in front of the children. Full in my face shouting and spitting. Saying our children are spoiled brats and I make them worse. I was trying to keep the peace and quieten them down.

He was millimetres from my face just raging. I don't know why I did it, it was not premeditated but I slapped him hard across the face. He walked away because he'd never 'hit' a woman.

I'm at my wits end. I've lowered myself to his level and I'm disgusted with myself. I lashed out (in front of the children) because I was cornered and angry, but it's no excuse. I've been excusing him for so long and now I've dropped to his level and I can't excuse myself.

This is beyond fixing isn't it?

Eldest DC has spent the last two hours throwing up. She's very sensitive. If that isn't my wake up then nothing is. He has not bothered getting up to see what is going on.

I checked out of the marriage the first time he pushed me about. I tried to get it back, I said let's go to counselling, go for a meal, meet for lunch and he always says yes and then refuses when he thinks the coast is clear.

More recently it's escalated. I've been asking him for six months to arrange some talking therapy for himself but he's always 'too busy at work' to do it.

I give up. He says everyone is against him, but he is the common denominator here. He blames me, his family and work, but when I confront that he just wails it's all his fault and will not discuss anything. It's like everyone else is to blame but call him out on it and he turns it around and says 'it's all my fault'. The logic is so twisted.

He’s stone-walling. You have to take the initiative and make your own plans. See a solicitor, talk to Women’s aid. Get your kids away from this. Take them out of the house first thing.
It is hell growing up like this.
Honestly, take your focus off him and whether or not he will make changes. Start getting your children away from him.

God sorry for you and your kids. It sounds grim. Please split from him. Give yourselves freedom from pain and fear XX

The relationship is toxic. You need to leave before you subject your children to any more violence.

Witnessing family violence is now considered child abuse.

If I move I lose my job, my home, my life If you stay, you could lose your kids. Your call.

Every time he's under pressure it comes home. Please. My husband has been under undeliverable pressure recently. He hasn't resorted to verbal or physical violence towards anyone.

Your husband has always been an abusive bully, the stress just makes it harder to hide.

I said but you must get some joy out of the children? He said no, but insists that I'm not to take them away (divorce him) Of course he doesn't want you to take them away, because then who would he abuse/bully and intimidate?

You don't sounds abusive to me. If someone got up in my face screaming and spitting I think I'd be so terrified as to what would happen next I'd defend myself if I couldn't physically get away.
But if you continue to expose your children to this relationship I'd consider that abuse.
Your H is an abuser, he doesn't need to be still physically knocking you about to be one. I also don't believe it sounds practical for you to up and leave. I think he should leave. Please consider speaking to WA or the Police who could give you the tools to get him out

Ok, can you call women's aid? There will be housing solutions just not possible to see them now.
How supportive is your work? Do you have any savings? Does he have family nearby?

If you get the chance read "why does he do that" by Lundy, you will see how classic his abuse is.Don't underestimate the trauma you are undergoing living like this.

You need to take care. I don't think you sound abusive, you just snapped after all his abuse. But you need to get away from him. Ideally he moves out. I would seek advice from Women's Aid and then see a solicitor. Once he knows you are serious about splitting up his behaviour may worsen, you need to get advice on splitting safely.

Sadly I think you have reached the end of the road. But you know that. You have done nothing wrong here, don't waste energy on worrying about that. You have tried to discuss and improve the relationship.

You say you have 'checked out' that is a good thing. You need to get the ball rolling on plans moving forward. I would do it quite urgently, I know it is a difficult time of year but it is also a highly emotional one and that is why so many divorces start in January! On a serious note, I am worried for you that things could get physically worse and for your children's emotional health that is already showing itself..

Please contact women's aid. Do it urgently, just to get s feel for what your options are, you will feel better as a plan comes together.

Hope your DD is ok.

Personality change in just the last year? Possibly a brain tumour?

Oh OP I think you know what you have to do. It will take time but this time next year it'll be over and you'll be so happy.

differentnameforthis do you need to be so aggressive?

I don't think you are abusive BUT I do think it's pretty shitty to lie to the school when your DC have disclosed the abuse. You need to leave, DV is very very damaging for both you and the children if this was reported to SS your children would be classed as at risk of significant harm. Your eldest is physically being sick with the stress. Please contact women's aid for advice at least.

Emotionally do you have people to support you? Extended family to help.

Finances are your first thing to sort, do you have access to cash?

Sending you a hug, it is an awful situation for you and your children x

You are not compatible and its manifesting itself in harmful ways. It will get worse and you will waste more time until you permanently split.

Personality change in just the last year? Possibly a brain tumour? Op said he has always had a temper, just that it has ramped up in the last year, as it invariable does with abusive men.

Bubblebubblepop
The children have been witnesses to physical & verbal abuse against their mother.
SS have been involved previously because their father physically punished the children, and when op tried to intervene, he shoved her out the way (more violence)
Now they witness violence towards their father from their mother. Regardless of the circumstances, the children will not know that it was in retaliation to their father's abuse.

Children witnessing violence is now classed as child abuse.

Call it aggressive if you like, but neither of these parents are thinking of those defenceless children who have already disclosed to their school. They will end up being removed, and then what?

I don't think it's agressive. It's the reality of the situation. Ss can remove children in this situation.

You know you did the wrong thing , I'm not going to say don't beat yourself up because it should rattle you enough to do something about this. If the tables were turned and a man said he was 'pushed' into hitting a woman there would be uproar.

This is not fair on the children- do something about this before they're messed up or worse taken off you.

I understand how difficult it is ( been victim of DV myself) but you cannot continue like this.

It's not helpful or supportive. How do you think it feels to ask for help and get a telling off like a little girl? OP isn't protesting or defending herself. She's not being obstinate. She's looking at the practicalities. This is a huge thing and you're not going to get action in the time of takes you to read a thread, unfortunately

He’d never hit a woman? But he has, he’s pushed you around with force. That’s violence.

My ex hit me in front of my children. I called the police and had him removed from the home, they referred us to SS who visited once and that was it as I had got him out. Personally I would contact SS again and ask for their help in getting him out. The police helped me to keep my ex out. I’m not going to lie it was hard and painful and it took a long time for everything to calm down but it can be done and getting him out is the best thing I could ever have done for my kids.

Bubblebubblepop Do me a favour. Put yourself in the children's shoes.

Witnessing verbal and physical abuse towards their mum
One of them was physically punished, and they watched as mum intervened & was forcefully pushed out the way
They disclosed to their school
School felt it was serious enough to put safeguarding steps in place
The SS felt it was serious enough to warrant a visit
Their mum covered it up
They witness continued verbal abuse
They witness mum hitting dad

One child is so physically & emotionally stressed that she threw up for 2 hours. OP describes her as sensitive.

Is mum going to cover it up again if they disclose & it starts safeguarding measures again?

This is a huge thing and you're not going to get action in the time of takes you to read a thread, unfortunately Wow, really?? Thank you, I know enough about domestic & family violence to know that, but I also know what damage it causes to the children who witness it, hence it is now classes as child abuse.

NO ONE is thinking of those children.

And to be fair, Bubblebubblepop supportive & helpful go out the window when DEFENCELESS children are involved.

Op can take action in the time it takes to read this thread. I called Women's Aid , someone came to pick me up within half an hour. I spent 4 weeks at the refuge while ex was at home.The house was mine, in my name only- I didn't care, I just wanted out. This situation will not improve . It's a horrendous thing to go through, messy, stressful, expensive etc . It needs to be dealt with as a matter of urgency.

I'm dealing with two children with a stomach bug right now (not stress thank goodness for small mercies). I thought it was my fault. Still not justifiable at all though.

For reference SS have never been involved. Just a call from the school welfare officer who called me at work. I do wonder how many women minimise abuse when they are put on the spot?

I have no family or friends within reasonable travelling distance. I will be financially stable in March due to outstanding invoices coming in.

I want him out, but have no rights to remove him...red rag to a bull...yes!

I have money, a car and means to leave, but, and this is a big but...if I leave I lose my (contract) job as I'll have no way to support and settle two children into a new home without significant time out and being unable to pay my tax bills.

London renting is way higher than my current mortgage and I'd have to move them 30 miles out east to break even for a small two bedroom flat. Therefore needing to employ childcare from 6-9am and 3-7pm...can you see I've looked at this seriously?

Why should I leave? He should. In a sane world I'd be safe in my home and he'd be leaving.

I'll seek legal advice tomorrow.

Brain tumour? There is a genetic brain disease in his family. I don't want to reveal too much but it was a lightbulb moment. For example he asked me what we had for lunch today thee times, he's mid 40s so not so old.

I also asked him why we argued yesterday and he cannot recall why, just the point where I struck him. I just don't know, the argument was a very obvious thing and over a children's toy he'd bought for himself and would not let them touch.

Excuses, maybe?

Oh and my dad said my reacting was a long time coming. He wasn't annoyed or upset with me. He told me I'm too placid and I should kick his arse out. If only...

Sorry if this is disjointed, I'm in winter vomiting bug hell at the moment.

Posted too soon, thanks for the advice. It really is appreciated and I can understand people getting mad that I can't just up and leave, but life isn't always simple.

Nothing ever is. I really appreciate those who have been there who have been kind enough to share and support without judgement.

Sorry you're feeling so ill , it's all you need. I really hope you get some good legal advice. I put up with DV for far too long and I couldn't see a way out. Going into a refuge was a real low point. But things can change, it's hard but you can get out of this. I now own my own home, ive retrained and have a new career. Good luck x