Im pregnant. He's drunk. Should i be angry?

[BamBamBoomBam]

Dear all,

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and since becoming pregnant my husband has got incoherently drunk 3 times (unable to talk etc).

He normally goes to the pub every Friday, not too late. I used to go with him but stopped after getting pregnant as i didnt announce till 12 weeks and making excuses about not drinking was wearing thin! Plus they all enjoy chain smoking with their drinks and i didn't want anyone to feel they had to change their routine. After the second time of getting totally paralytic on one of these nights I asked him to stop getting that drunk as I didn't like it and we'd just end up falling out. Since then hes only got 'normal weekend drunk' on a friday.

Tonight was his xmas work party. I spoke to him at ten to get an ETA home (I like to know roughly, as otherwise i can't seem relax and I can never sleep until he's home). He said one am. I stayed up chilling out then at one am he text saying they were going to another bar. I was annoyed but not surprised as this is how he always behaves on a night out (saying a time then never turning.up). I thought it might be different tonight as im pregnant ive expalined how i dont like him coming home in a state. I went to bed. I didnt bother texting or calling i knew hed be really drunk so it would be best just to leave him to it.

At 4am i was woken up. He finally arrived home. I could hear banging and things so knew he must be drunk. I tried to just stay asleep. I could hear him going in and out the flat, goodness knows what he was up to. At 5.15 a terrific bang made me shoot out of bed. He was sprawled on the.floor of the spare room with the large floorstanding lamp all smashed.up. he couldnt talk or even move his body. I yelled at him to.lie in bed or he'd hurt himself. I cleared the bed (in spare room) and he got in. His feet and clothes were all wet. Its now 6am and im writing this.

Ive had three hours sleep and i feel seethingly angry. He's supposed to be getting up early in the moring as its his.turn.to take the dog on his early morning walk. That wont happen now. Im exhausted, particularly this week as i had to go to hospital for an emergency scan (baby fine but i have an infection) so i havnt been sleeping well and now im starting my.weekend exhausted. We live abroad (2 years so far) and im finally making friends. Its taken me longer than i evee thought to settle in and still feel like a total newbie. Ive been invited to my first meal at my colleagues house and he knew tonight was.important to me (we're both going) as I've felt so lonely. Now he's going to be in no fit state to be sociable.

I feel like i dont want to speak to him and that he's a loser. Sometimes i wish i could just leave him and in moments like this i really feel it. Then i think, am i just totally blowing this all out of.proportion. i dont have anyone.to speak to and would like other peoples opinions.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. I'd be pissed off too. I'd also be giving him an ultimatum - stop drinking or get out. That behaviour is entirely unreasonable.

Did you move there to be with him, or because of your job ?
How old is he ? Just wondered if he'd suddenly found himself in party heaven.
His behaviour is totally unacceptable and intolerable.
When he is completely sober, you need to have a serious word with him.
If he continues on this destructive path, you are fighting a losing battle, your baby comes first.
Don't allow this to drag on, and drag you down with it.
Hope you manage to get some rest.🌸

Are you happy where you are? Happy in your marriage? Have you talked about sharing the load?

This is going to be far harder once the baby is born. So you need to know what he’s going to contribute as you have no support around and no real friends. And you won’t be able to just change countries and come home - to the U.K. - I assume as the baby will have foreign residency. I’m not saying ltb. I saying, think. Your future could be tough if he doesn’t change. And you have 18 years ahead of you to be where you are. So think carefully.

@BamBamBoomBam can I ask how old you both are? This isn't the best way forward with your husband being so irresponsible. I think it's time for a serious talk about bringing up children and parenting responsibilities or you could be doing this alone.

I think you are a bit unreasonable really, my partner was out last night at his works drinks, I went to bed at 10- I don't ask for an ETA because he's an adult; you're treating him like a child by doing this.

Also no need to wait up for him, as you're pregnant and have trouble sleeping just go to bed early.

Go by yourself tonight; you'll be fine.

I do think he absolutely cannot carry this on when your baby is born and definitely have a serious conversation when he's not hungover.

Hope my post isn't too harsh; not intentional; but I would be annoyed if I was out and had to give an ETA then got chased up on it. He's an adult, leave him to it if he's hungover- take the dog out and have a nap. Look after yourself

I wonder from your op whether prior to becoming pregnant you both used to drink a lot? Please don't think I'm saying his behaviour is ok but it can take longer for the non pregnant partner to understand and adjust and he may believe his drinking is still fine and you will be back to joining him soon. He needs to face responsibility though and be more supportive. I hope he is in a state to sit down and talk about things properly today

I think you might be over reacting a little bit.
I’m 6 months pregnant too but would fully expect my husband to go all out for his Christmas party. I’m not sure why it was planned to be his turn to walk the dog after a night out? We usually do it so the one getting up early (for toddler, not dog) is the one who’s had an early night.
Anyway Hope you enjoy the night tonight

I think you're in danger of being a martyr here. Asking him for an ETA on his works night, though?'he always late so why set yourself up for it. The dog will be fine so dont make that your excuse. You're not happy because deep down you've realised you are having a baby with this man who already disappoints you. Dont think you can use the baby to make someone be a different person, if you're already not content with him , it won't change I'm afraid.

I don't think it's that bad unless you had previously agreed that he wouldn't drink in solidarity with you.

Although I would say once it becomes a likelihood that you could go into labour, he should stop then.

"You're not happy because deep down you've realised your having a baby with a man who already disappoints you."

Les is spot on. Also unfortunately about the unlikelyness of him changing once the baby is here.

My husband did this a few times... it's as if they think 'they are pregnant and soon there will be a baby so I will never be aloud out again, therefore I must get pissed in the worst possible state I can as I can never do it again'

I was annoyed but hey ho he gets to suffer for two days after 🙄

Totally shameful. The last thing i'd be doing if my partner/wife was at home pregnant would be getting lashed around the town until 4 or 5 in the morning.. FFS where did you find this one..?

Thank you for your replies everybody. Im 32 and he's 41. I think before getting pregnant we did both occasionally drink a lot but he would never be that drunk. Maybe because i was with him he had a restraining presence (if i drink lots I just feel ill and need to go home, so ive never been physically able to drink to that extend where you totally lose your faculties).

We are in Europe so not too far from home, my husband is british but bilingual in this language. I moved becuase he got a job here but then while out here ive ended up getting an amazing job (which ive had for 16 months). I have the better job which im reluctant to leave, as i think id struggle to ever find such a good job in the uk and also because one of us needs a secure job with a reliable income.

We've been together a little over 10 years. I don't know if im happy or not- no one ever tells you what its supposes to feel like after 10 years! I know he will really love the baby but i dont think he will be any support financially (possibly the total.opposite). We haven't even talked about our vision for raising a child because everytime I try he won't commit to a conversation.

I wanted us to talk about what we loved and didn't like about our own child hoods as a starting point so that we can help.visualise the type.of.parents we want to.be but he jusy thouht it was weird and 'hippy dippy'.

We got a rescue dog last year and even having a dog has made me realise how hard it would all be on your own. Its the next morning now, ive taken the dog out and he's out cold. Im going to go and have to carry on with our plans alone, as Ive got so much to do before heading home for christmas next Saturday. I don't really know what to say to him? I think ill reittterate again that i dont want to have to look after.him in that state and that i dont.mind him going out.but he needs to.be responsible enough.not to get like that. Ive said this before and its having no.impact.but.i dont know what else i can do? If i threatened to leave we'll both know its an empty threat.

To add my husband threw up everywhere!
I filmed it to show him
He had to buy new carpets... so whilst he was doing that I decided I also needed a new bed and wardrobes and the whole bedroom decorated.

When he goes out now I just remind him of how expensive his last real big bender cost him

Wolves & Sunny you have pretty low standards. I’d be extremely pissed off of my DP came home at 4am and instead of going to bed he carried on going back in and out, then smashed a lamp, was all wet (possibly wee?) and was so drunk he couldn’t get up. And I’m not pregnant!!

OP I don’t know what country you’re in but have a hard think about whether he’d be able to keep the child there once it’s born if you wanted to leave and go home. He won’t change, you’ve given him that chance and he’s done it again. My Exh was like that. He’d stop for a while then get back on it. He’s drinking again now but not my problem anymore - thank god!

My DH got this drunk a couple of times when I was pregnant just as he did it occasionally beforehand. I did point out to him that obviously he couldn't do this once we had the baby (or as I got farther on in the pregnancy) and he thankfully looked at me like I had two heads- "duh, obviously not!?!". He's a great dad and the worst that has happened since DD came along is falling asleep on the last train and ending up £100 taxi ride away, after a long working week and just a few drinks. He fixed that problem himself.
I don't think what happened last night is the end of the world but it's what happens going forward. Sounds like you don't have much faith that he'll be able to knock it on the head. But most of DHs friends were like this on occasion/ esp after a Christmas party! - and most of them are sensible reliable fathers now. So he might well be fine. Maybe this was his last hurrah...

Cross post OP. Why is it an empty threat? If it’s Europe could you stay in the country but not with him? He sounds worse and worse.

I think it depends if this behaviour is new since you’ve been pregnant (or you just didn’t mind before because you were drinking too), and if it’s really about more than that, like you’re unhappy in your relationship for other reasons.

I think if everything is otherwise fine and you’re generally happy with him, never mind the living abroad bit which can change, then I wouldn’t get too upset at the moment about a few drunken nights out a year. It’s annoying when you can’t join in and yes it’s true that now that you’re having a baby, he will soon have to calm down at least for a couple years until things are easier again. But occasionally even responsible adults do get stupidly drunk at their work Christmas parties or a few other nights out.

My dh and I have a 5 year old and we do occasionally - obviously not at the same time unless we were away for a night without our dd, which rarely is the case, and we’ve never broken any furniture. But we build those days into the year so we each still get to blow off some steam. We live really rurally though so often it means going away for the weekend or night as there’s nowhere to go around here. My dh might have a big night out with friends every other month or so. It’s fine. It keeps us sane. We drink normally on the weekends (well, I’m pregnant now but otherwise) but not fall down drunk.

So I think you’re right to be angry about not telling you when he was coming home and messing up the house and not being on form for your dinner tonight. But if it’s only a few times and isn’t that different from how things were before, you might just need to be a bit more patient that he’s still living life like you don’t have children (and you don’t yet and things are still easy now). I would talk to him though about expecting things to change when you do have a baby except maybe for special occasions when he does have a night off of parenting with friends.

But I think it depends on if the issues really are bigger than this.

OP sorry crossposted with your last post. Hm sounds like there are bigger issues as well. Sorry my post is probably not that helpful. Xxx

After reading more repleis (thank you) i have decided that maybe im making too much of this and in fact Im probably angry because of a whole host of things, not just this one thing. I think sadly that maybe I am disappointed in him and now im having a baby with him I need to some how learn to appreciate his positive aspects without focussing on the negative. I dont think im able to start again on my own, i want the baby to have a a stable mother/father presence. Ill have to make a new thread I think! Thank you

I think he probably shouldn’t have got that drunk, no.

Have I come home later than expected, more drunk than expected and accidentally broken something? Yes, I think I might have done once! My DH was fine about it though and I haven’t done it again.

You sound a bit controlling-wanting eta times and making it his turn to be ‘on duty’ for early morning dog walks after his night out. My mil was like this with fil-set up unnecessary and unrealistic expectations so she could be ‘disappointed’ with him afterwards. Their marriage has since failed.

Sorry but I am with the OP - Having a few drinks is fine , the odd night of maybe drinking loads but this is a regular thing. Having to get totally blotto, I would be effin pissed off if this was a regular things as well. She has an infection, is PG and so she needs his support and help . No , she has to nurse his hangover , he has ruined her night out tonight, smashed a lamp and she cannot rest as she has to walk their dog ...when it was his turn . If he was incapable ill, flu, whatever thats another story but he was pissed and is hungover and he is not going to get up to walk the dog or anything else after he agreed to do so.

Sorry, but I think I’m with your husband on the “hippy dippy” thing:

“I wanted us to talk about what we loved and didn't like about our own child hoods as a starting point so that we can help.visualise the type.of.parents we want to.be but he jusy thouht it was weird and 'hippy dippy'”

I can see why you might think it would be a good idea, but surely after 10 years together you’d already have a reasonable idea of what his childhood was like etc?

I have more sympathy for the 5am wake up call. It can’t have been any fun contemplating lifting an unresponsive man who probably weighs a good few stone more than you. And not whilst pregnant. At 41 he should have his shit together a bit more than this too.

You rang him on his Christmas night out to ask what time he'd be home? I would have hung up on you.
He has gotten drunk 3 times in 18 weeks when you used to get drunk together every Friday. People always seem more drunk when you aren't drinking.
I think it is very bad organisation making it his morning to walk the dog after a night out. You'd be lucky if I was back in time.
It doesn't sound like you like him very much to be honest.

I was you 14 years ago and it never improved I ended up doing everything.
My advice come home to UK before the baby is born as it is only you leaving once you have a child in another country leaving and returning to the UK is much much more complicated.