Im pregnant. He's drunk. Should i be angry?

[BamBamBoomBam]

Dear all,

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and since becoming pregnant my husband has got incoherently drunk 3 times (unable to talk etc).

He normally goes to the pub every Friday, not too late. I used to go with him but stopped after getting pregnant as i didnt announce till 12 weeks and making excuses about not drinking was wearing thin! Plus they all enjoy chain smoking with their drinks and i didn't want anyone to feel they had to change their routine. After the second time of getting totally paralytic on one of these nights I asked him to stop getting that drunk as I didn't like it and we'd just end up falling out. Since then hes only got 'normal weekend drunk' on a friday.

Tonight was his xmas work party. I spoke to him at ten to get an ETA home (I like to know roughly, as otherwise i can't seem relax and I can never sleep until he's home). He said one am. I stayed up chilling out then at one am he text saying they were going to another bar. I was annoyed but not surprised as this is how he always behaves on a night out (saying a time then never turning.up). I thought it might be different tonight as im pregnant ive expalined how i dont like him coming home in a state. I went to bed. I didnt bother texting or calling i knew hed be really drunk so it would be best just to leave him to it.

At 4am i was woken up. He finally arrived home. I could hear banging and things so knew he must be drunk. I tried to just stay asleep. I could hear him going in and out the flat, goodness knows what he was up to. At 5.15 a terrific bang made me shoot out of bed. He was sprawled on the.floor of the spare room with the large floorstanding lamp all smashed.up. he couldnt talk or even move his body. I yelled at him to.lie in bed or he'd hurt himself. I cleared the bed (in spare room) and he got in. His feet and clothes were all wet. Its now 6am and im writing this.

Ive had three hours sleep and i feel seethingly angry. He's supposed to be getting up early in the moring as its his.turn.to take the dog on his early morning walk. That wont happen now. Im exhausted, particularly this week as i had to go to hospital for an emergency scan (baby fine but i have an infection) so i havnt been sleeping well and now im starting my.weekend exhausted. We live abroad (2 years so far) and im finally making friends. Its taken me longer than i evee thought to settle in and still feel like a total newbie. Ive been invited to my first meal at my colleagues house and he knew tonight was.important to me (we're both going) as I've felt so lonely. Now he's going to be in no fit state to be sociable.

I feel like i dont want to speak to him and that he's a loser. Sometimes i wish i could just leave him and in moments like this i really feel it. Then i think, am i just totally blowing this all out of.proportion. i dont have anyone.to speak to and would like other peoples opinions.

Hahaha thanks jammydodger but fortunately you’re wrong there.
I’m in a great marriage with a man who cares, provides, and respects. I just don’t think its reasonable to monitor your husbands home time on their one Christmas night out 😂
But as it’s MN one piss up obviously means The world is ending 🙄

I know he will really love the baby but i dont think he will be any support financially (possibly the total.opposite)

What do you mean with that, because that does not sound good.

Meh, I think you are being unreasonable.

It was my husband's work night out yesterday, he's still in bed with no signs of getting up anytime soon.

However, yesterday evening before he went out, he did everything around the house and with the children. And when he does surface today he'll pull his weight and contribute equally. So he's had the morning off to nurse his hangover, I'll get the evening off to eat pizza and watch the strictly final uninterrupted.

I think you've a bubbling resentment towards him and this episode has made whatever day to day behaviour manifest so you've become royally pissed off with him when this particular instance isn't that bad?

I think you have much bigger issues going on. It’s not just about one night out is it ?

You are concenered about

His use of alcohol - you seem to have grown up but he hadn’t

His commmitmemt to the baby - he won’t even talk about it

His finnancial support of the baby ( and I assume you while you are on maternity leave ) . And you imply that you might have to support him .

None if this sounds good. And you don’t have a lot of time to resolve these issues as you are about to give birth abroad and that has a lot of legal implications .

Why wouldn’t he support you financially?

You're not happy because deep down you've realised your having a baby with a man who already disappoints you.

This

“Accepting his good points” is going to get a lot harder when the baby arrives and your tolerance for his childishness, expires under the fog of sleepiness nights and the realisation that you’ve become the default parent to a baby and a man child. It’s time to have the conversation now about what each other’s expectations of the other will be. If the status quo isn’t to your liking then tell him because containing the resentment when your child arrives will be 100 times harder.

He probably won’t change but you certainly will.

I think YWBU regarding the night out - me I would have left him to himself and just chilled and gone to bed rather than ask for ETAs etc.

HOWEVER - it sounds like you are feeling resentment for lots of other things, and for these things, YANBU.

Calling you hippy dippy- couldnt he have just played along? Seems a bit mean. Your musing is something I would have done too.

You feel like he may be a financial burden - not good. Why?

You feel like you gave up your country to follow him somewhere where you have long felt isolated - I relate. Where are you? I had something similar 😊

My advice? Go to your dinner tonight alone and enjoy yourself and have a conversation with him tomorrow. Not about last night, but the wider picture.

I clicked and expected to say that it's fine for partners to get drunk when you're pregnant, life doesn't stop, it's Christmas, etc.

But honestly? I would be troubled if my DH drank enough to be totally paralytic and unable to walk or function. That's not just having a brilliant night out, that's pretty extreme, and God knows we both like our wine!

I spoke to him at ten to get an ETA home (I like to know roughly, as otherwise i can't seem relax and I can never sleep until he's home)

Weird that some posters thought this was 'controlling.' I think it's understandable to want a rough idea of when someone's planning on getting home. The OP's DP told her he'd be later and she was irritated but left him to it.

I actually don't think you're overreacting OP. You sound measured, emotionally in tune with yourself and fed up, frankly.

I would be upset too. He is 41 FGS not a teenager and you have a commitment tonight; no need to get that drunk and be home at 4am to enjoy a party imo. If I live with someone I do expect him to tell me what time he thinks he will be home as a sign of respect. I would not be waiting for him awake though. I think he is very irresponsible and not sure and you need a partner who is more supportive if you are having a child together.

"I'm 18 weeks pregnant and since becoming pregnant my husband has got incoherently drunk 3 times (unable to talk etc).

He normally goes to the pub every Friday, not too late. "

I think he has serious problems with alcohol. He gets drunk every week but in 3 of those ocassions he has got incoherently drunk. It is not like he has got drunk 3 times only in 18 weeks.

Reg. The financial side of things, wheras my job is stable hes having problems at work to the point of receiving an official warning (which he recieved last week) I think this is down to a real clash of personalities between him and his boss and I think it's been given unfairly but in my very uncharitable mood I wonder how he could of pissed someone off so much!

We're worried hes going to get sacked (but we have sought legal.advice and she has no legal.grounds to sack him), doesnt mean she wont try. This is causing worry as im only entitled to 10 weeks maternity (paid) after the baby is born and was hoping to have longer with the baby. He has never been able.to save money at all and always spends what he has so i have to make sure that there are savings and money to pay for unexpected bills etc. This is working okay but i do get tired of feeling like 'the responsible one' and i do moan, then feel like a cow for.moaning as he cant help having a worse job!

I think hes not as competitive in the work place because of a criminal record he has . We cant be sure why he doesnt get called back for interviews but i wonder if this impacts it. The really annoying thing is the record is from when he was 18 / 19 years old (minor drugs offences (marajuana) some driving offences and breaking into a caravan!) and compared to a difficult 20s has really turned his life around (got qualifications and a degree). I feel like I invested my whole 20s helping him achieve these things to create a better life for both of us and yet here we are and he still cant seem to quite make it work on the job side/ financial side.

I do think somewhere along the line i became 'the martyr' and do think that I over react to certain things. Yet i also think im very forgiving and somehow we've made it 10 years. I do think i lose perspective on what is and isnt acceptable for him to do and am only reacting on how he makes me feel.

I wish i could go back to 22 year old me and not become engaged to this man because i have some wild fantasy that insteas i would meet mr perfect and be super in love. And yet Ive made a choice and spent so many hours weighing up pros and cons and I honestly think there is no mr perfect and my problem is trying to have everysingle one of my needs met by one person. Ive realised that i need to go and connect with other people to get a more rounded life and not put so many expectations on him to make me happy.

Im trying to do that now and hope that whats left is aspects of him that enrich my.life but as Its still early days tryinf ro make.friends and get out more im.not able to say if this is the case yet. Id rather be with a companion who you generally rub along okay wity as a friend than be alone. Ive expressed how i feel before and he is adamant that we stay together. this whole post will have a particularly negative spin due to my current mood . * its 3pm hes still asleep but definitely alive! Im amazed how perceptive people are just froma few comments and find it really insightful

Oh dear, I am sorry but it seems to me that you are fighting a lost cause here. You have carried him throughout your relationship and at 41 he still isn't capable of taking responsibility for his own behaviour.
He is a manchild and soon you will have 2 children to look after. You will come to resent him if he doesn't start acting like an adult.

41?? Yanbu. The British have a difficult relationship with alchohol though, so you will get lots of people excusing him, and saying aw but it's Christmas, as if getting wasted is some kind of human right.
It's not. I fucking HATE drunk men and couldn't live with someone who regularly got so drunk he passed out and wet himself (!)
As for the ETA - It would be polite of him to let you know that without you asking. If I'm going out I would give my partner an idea what time I'm home.
The fact that he struggles to keep a job makes me wonder if his alchohol issues go deeper actually. I don't blame you for worrying about this relationship- him, the financial aspects, being abroad. It's a lot to think about .

What ToffeeUp said. Now that you're actually pregnant you're looking at him a bit differently, as you realize you could be dependent on him for a while at least, but he doesn't look like he's grown up enough for you to rely on him.
Mums do tend to look at men from a different viewpoint, which IMO is necessary. Good luck! But do rely on yourself.

Stop making excuses for him! Who’s going to be you and your baby’s safety net when shit gets real? Instead, he’ll complain that you aren’t on hand to wipe his arse while you’re busy caring for a baby and worrying about money.

There was a point in my relationship with my Ex when I accepted that being single and a parent, was preferable, to being a single parent in a relationship. There was no way in hell, I was going to model an unbalanced relationship where I was the default parent and also expected to mother him.

This man hasn’t really grown up because he’s never really had to become he’s in a relationship with a surrogate mother. Trust me, this will get really old when you’re running around being an actual mother.

Deep down you know this is who he is but you’ve always compensated for his shortcomings in the misguided hope that the return on your investment would be more beneficial to you.

because while you’ve been doing that he has

Behind everything 40 year old man child, is a woman saying it really isn’t his fault.

i want the baby to have a a stable mother/father presence

I'm certainly not passing judgment on the state of your marriage from this little vignette and I agree that it is best not to separate on a whim, but please don't just ending staying with him "for the sake of the children".

"I feel like I invested my whole 20s helping him achieve these things to create a better life for both of us and yet here we are and he still cant seem to quite make it work on the job side/ financial side".

That is probably why you have stayed to date but a bad investment is not going to suddenly turn good. I think you have fallen into the "sunken costs fallacy" trap in relationships and by helping him get into bed you simply enabled him. Where are the consequences from you for his drunken actions?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone. This is not the last time he will be doing such behaviour either given too that he has been drunk three times already since you became pregnant. He will continue to get drunk as well when he is a parent.

Do you think he has a problem with alcohol, it seems like it and your as yet unborn child does not need an alcoholic for a parent in his/her life either.

I personally think you’re being a little unreasonable. I wouldn’t stand for this behaviour all the time but it was his Xmas night out. My DP has had his Xmas party last night and I asked when he’d be back but wouldn’t be offended if he broke this and was out earlier. He’s an adult and can change his plans if he wishes. I just went to bed and left him to it.

But obviously when the baby comes, things will be different. You need to have a chat about this not happening when the babies born but honestly, he shouldn’t be banned from having the odd night out to let himself go and neither should you.

I think you are legitimate in your concerns but i found carefully thinking through the approach helps. Make sure you both agree on what is a good time for him to come home. Give him some rope and if he wants to go out and get smashed tell him he has to take care of himself. You're an adult and so is he. He can't come home smashed wake you up when you're exhausted and have an expectation you will help. And since he was home at 5 he should have taken the dog out then! Explain to him you are PREGNANT - no that doesn't mean you're lazy, it means you're exhausted and trying to take care of yourself and you need his help to do that. If he wants to make the choice to go out and drink, so be it but you can't take care of yourself plus another full grown adult. You're not his mom - he needs to be your partner through this experience. Ask him to be your partner and to act like your partner lovingly and kindly and see how he reacts

Zombie thread ffs

To your last comment, There is no mr. Perfect but it sounds like this guy needs a swift kick in the ass to grow up and be an adult and that you're tired of taking care of a boy. Your patience is probably just thinner now that you have a little one on the way. Have a heart to heart sit down and calmly explain what bothers you. If you cant say it calmly or that always results in a fight, write a letter or email to him. Good luck to you