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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've lost the concept if my partner treats me normally

26 replies

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 21:22

Our son of 2 has mild cerebal palsy. Will walk but going to be a long long journey. My husband has not been to one appt from a year ago, I'm dealing with 5 different hospital departments and have to attend at least every two weeks. Sometimes I have 2 or 3 appts a week. He says he wants to wake up and it all be fixed. He doesn't realise it never will be. He has insinuated im to blame for it. Even though I did nothing in my pregnancy to jeopodise anything. I had multiple miscarriages and wouldn't even take a paracetamol in fear of losing again.
He now has chicken pox which he also won't deal with because our other two kids got pot marks. He says if I let him get pot marks by scratching I am to blame. I've allowed him to scratch his face.
I'm so emotionally drained from coping with the cp by myself I think I've lost sense of wrong and right. Is this normal?

OP posts:

notanurse2017 · 15/12/2017 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/12/2017 21:27

This is not normal, I'm sorry you are being treated this way

BertieBotts · 15/12/2017 21:29

It sounds like he is coping terribly with your son's diagnosis and letting that bleed into everything in life. He's absolutely not being fair to you.

Unless he was always like this? But no, the way he is acting at the moment isn't normal or reasonable.

BackInTheRoom · 15/12/2017 21:35

@Somekindoflady He sounds like he cannot cope with it so you're having to shoulder the burden, stress. To make himself less guilty, he's blaming you. I have been in your situation...😕

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 15/12/2017 21:39

I’ve also been in your situation - it’s shit - sorry. You’re doing a fab job sorry he’s letting you down. I’ve also done all of the hospital crap myself whilst my oh didn’t do a single appointment and ignored it all. He was then abusive to me if I ever had a bad day doing it(which was quite often). I’ve asked for a divorce over it but he’s refusing to move out

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 22:04

Been together 13 yrs and always a reason why we haven't set a date. Got a nice shut up ring though a few years ago. Today I lost my temper and told him I resented him because he is being so pathetic. He reminded me to respect him as I'm living in his house and he puts food in my mouth. I'm not working as I'm a full time carer for our son trying to get him walking. Starting to have a few drinks in the evening which I know is wrong. Only escape I get.

OP posts:

MrsWhirly · 15/12/2017 22:09

He is being really horrible to you, and that's not on. So what if it's 'his' house and he is working and your not. Irrelevant given the circumstances you are facing. I don't really have any advice, other than to keep reminding him that he needs to respect you. Tell him his firmly and clearly next time he starts putting you down. Sending hugs.

Teensandfuture · 15/12/2017 22:14

Please take it easy on the drinks though,you know it will not help at all! Not in long run..

Pinkpillows · 15/12/2017 22:16

Keep your focus on your DC, your partner is just being a prick. Your not to blame for anything

Your son is far too precious for this

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 22:17

I know. He says I've brought drama to our house because of his condition. First 8 years he got back with his ex, got her pregnant and had an abortion. Then had an emotional affair with a girl at work both times I was pregnant. They kissed. I stayed because I wanted to keep our family together. When I reminded he of this today in response he told me I was to get over it. Feel so deflated. Hes told me I'm psycho.

OP posts:

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/12/2017 22:20

What do you get from this relationship?

Is there anywhere you can go to get away?

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 22:21

No I earn no money. Stuck until my son goes to school.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 15/12/2017 22:27

@Somekindoflady I'm sorry but hearing about his cheating has made me think differently about your situation. He wasn't concerned about keeping his family together like you were, he was busy 'kissing' others. Personally, I'd get my ducks in a row because he sounds like he's got contempt for you. Go google 'The 4 Horsemen of The Apocalypse by John Gottman. See which markers you relate to.

forumdonkey · 15/12/2017 22:28

It sounds like you deal with everything yourself anyway but you're here talking about the additional stress your OH is causing. Get rid of your DS and your stress levels will decrease. It won't be easy on your own but it will be easier than what you're currently going through.

forumdonkey · 15/12/2017 22:29

Get rid of OH not DS!!!

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 22:34

Easier said than done. I have nowhere to go and no income. Plus until my son has MRI he isn't officially diagnosed so no help from council. What's hurts me the most is that he knows my dad was abusive and my ex nearly killed me. He painted this image of being what I needed and sweeping me off my feet. Instead he's just become another nightmare and stolen a chance at being with someone that actually wanted a family. He has no friends and somehow I don't have either now. Can't go out for dinner because by 9pm he's messaging me saying come home and deal with these kids. I feel imprisoned

OP posts:

suchislife44 · 15/12/2017 22:35

Good grief. I'm sorry you are in this position, it sounds very tough. His behaviour is disgusting. Him telling you to pipe down because you live in his house and he feeds you is utterly appalling and has emotionally incompetent abusive control freak all over it. Have you any external support?

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 22:37

My mum says to keep quiet and marry him. Once I've done that I can divorce and have some financial backing behind me. To me that's totally out of character and conniving. I know she just has my best interests at heart but it feels so wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 23:07

Yeah I'm feeling like I'm starting to spiral. Feel like I'm drowning and everyone's just watching me doing nothing.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 15/12/2017 23:13

@Somekindoflady

Id see what benefits and accommodation you'd be entitled to. Have you already looked in to any of these options?

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 23:17

I can't until official diagnosis. Consultant and physio know what's wrong but need MRI to confirm. What a sad situation. So hard keeping it together. I have no patience left with his crap.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 15/12/2017 23:28

@Somekindoflady

No, have you enquired about what you'd personally be entitled to regarding tax credits and housing benefit regardless of your sons diagnosis?

Original poster

Somekindoflady · 15/12/2017 23:31

Yes but until I get diagnosis I'm stuck. He has mild cerebal palsy so I don't even know if I will get disability allowance.

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 15/12/2017 23:41

Somekindoflady; I think you're wrong that you cannot claim any allowances before you have a diagnosis. I think you can claim if your child has to have more help than a child of similar age without problems. It would be worth you claiming; you would be no worse off. (Filling out the forms is a bugger though, as you have to write down your child and their needs on their worst day..) Have a look at:

contact.org.uk/media/1159487/claiming_dla_for_children.pdf

Knittedfairies · 15/12/2017 23:45

You can claim benefit/s. If you are turned down, appeal. Also keep a copy of the form - it helps when you have to re-apply.

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