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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Threatening suicide when relationship ends

28 replies

Gerbil17 · 15/12/2017 18:35

What do you do when an ex threatens suicide because you wont get back with them?

He has said it previously but we managed to sort it out (not because of the threats). Only this time i am not going back.
He is saying it again and i dont really believe him but theres always that what if.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 15/12/2017 18:40

I personally feel that if someone is threatening to kill themselves then the only response to this is to call the emergency services.

pudding21 · 15/12/2017 18:50

Is there someone else you can contact? Family member or close friend. Send him the Samaritans number, if he is known to mental health services contact them and tell him you will call the police as he needs the access to help that he needs.

Have a look at BPD and suicide threats. This sounds brutal but whatever he does, if he does carry out the threats you are not responsible.

My ex "hinted" he wouldn't be able to carry on without me and I know how gutwrenching that was and I was so worried. Apart from drinking himself into an oblivion at times, he has managed to engage with other women, still go running etc.

Beachtime · 15/12/2017 18:53

From reading these threads previously I think the best thing to do would be call the authorities every time they threaten this behaviour (Never had this personally so not sure if that's police or ambulance!)

And then if the ex is serious - authorities will get them the help they need

And if they're being a knob and trying to use this as a control tactic then they'll be a record and if they keep at it the police will quickly tell them where to go!

(Personally I'm not a patient / nice person so I'd probably tell them good riddance and block them! But that isnt helpful to you!)

Belonger · 15/12/2017 18:59

I think it's really important that you don't let yourself 'holding' this for him. I would strongly suggest that you tell Hilton are taking what he says seriously, that you are going to tell his GP/best friend/mum or whoever he is close to, because you cant be responsible for him. And do it, tell someone. That way you are clear to him that this will not remain between you two, you give someone else responsibility for helping him. You simply can't be the one to help him when you need to leave him.

Sorry to be so bossy but I work in mental health and not keeping someone's suicidal threats or disclosures secret is a really important principle. It keeps you both safe.

Belonger · 15/12/2017 19:00

Hilton??? Him!

Angelf1sh · 15/12/2017 19:01

I’d let them. It’s not on you if they do and it’s emotionally abusive from them. If you’re worried tell his family/friends, if you’re worried about specific threats then tell the police. Otherwise I’d go NC and leave him to it.

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 15/12/2017 19:06

That is where it confuses me as he is begging for me to think about a relationship with him, but when i said no he claimed he has nothing to live for.
So it seems if i try again - he wants to live.
If i dont - he will kill himself.

I have just asked if his life depends on my decision and he said no but he hopes that i will change my mind and consider giving the relationship another try.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 15/12/2017 19:07

He’s just trying to control you. Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/12/2017 19:08

Go on then.

SweetBerries · 15/12/2017 19:08

I’ve been the other person in this situation. I was utterly serious, went off into a field and decided to die. The only thing that stopped me was my friend calling the police, who then rang me to find where I was. That snapped me back to reality. Fast.

The best thing you can do is call the emergency services; ambulance or police, they will tell each other if you don’t know where he is. Do not go yourself, it is reinforcing the behaviour and as soon as he realises it actually still is over, he may say the same again and actually do something he doesn’t mean to do.

I hope this helps x

OnTheRise · 15/12/2017 19:12

If someone threatens suicide like this, they are manipulating you. It's abusive behaviour. They are almost certainly not going to go ahead with their threats.

However, you can't call their bluff. So whenever they make this threat you tell them you can't help them, and you phone 999 and tell the police what they've threatened. EVERY TIME.

And then you tell them not to contact you ever again. Block their phone, their email, everything, and do not respond if they get through your blocks. If they do threaten suicide again, then you tell the police. You respond in no other way.

He's bullying you into being with him. You deserve better.

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 15/12/2017 19:18

When ive made the point that his life depends on whether i choose to give him another chance or not, and ive told him i will have to contact his family or the police. He says it was just a moment of thought and he will not be going through with it.

Previously when he has said this he has asked me if i was stupid for believing him as he has loads to live for. He wss just angry when he said it last time.
I think it is for controlling purposes myself

OP posts:
namechange2222 · 15/12/2017 19:18

Been there. Without wanting to sound like a broken record, each and every time he expresses suicidal ideas, even a hint ,you phone the police and tell them word for word what he has said. Tell him once only 'I don't want you to take your life. But if you tell me you're going to I will call the police'

Please, please do not enter into any further conversation and please don't stay in a relationship because you think he may kill himself if you don't. I'm not scare mongering but people do end their lives. If he is intent on this, he will do it if you are with him or not

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 15/12/2017 19:25

I have screenshot and sent to his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gerbil17 · 15/12/2017 19:27

He begged for me to not tell anyone but to add what i think is just drama to the whole thing he says "if i dont reply its because i am freezing"

He is now asking if i have told anyone. I am ignoring. Its out of my hands and into his parents

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 15/12/2017 19:30

They are almost certainly not going to go ahead with their threats

What like my friends boyfriend who did exactly that.

It doesn't mean you should stay, you shouldn't, but a PP say, tell someone. It's not on you, but a horrible thing.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 15/12/2017 19:30

Sorry, x post. Well done OP.

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 15/12/2017 19:35

I dont believe he would. Then i wonder if he would just to try and prove that its not a controlling tactic.

I have told his parents as i really dont believe there is any actual plan. I dont believe he does have the boxes of tablets he claims to have (he is known for lies).
Lies are the reason the relationship ended.

I just want it all off my hands without me getting too involved. His parents rather than the police seemed like the best option.

He has panicked that i have told someone and i think its because he doesnt actually have any intention of doing so but his family will panic as they see his actual texts.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 15/12/2017 19:50

Well done. I’d block him now if I were you and tell his parents that you’ve done it and that you’re going to block them too. Unless you have kids with this guy, there’s no reason to have any of them in your life now.

newtlover · 15/12/2017 20:08

If he is talking about boxes of tablets you should call the police
either- he means it- then it is up to the police, not you to intervene
or, he doesn't mean it, you have really called his bluff and as a bonus the police will have a record if he decides to try any other controlling tactics.
Then BLOCK HIS NUMBER

Offred · 15/12/2017 20:13

You go NC and you speak to women’s aid.

This is abusive behaviour and you are not responsible for his MH.

Original poster
Gerbil17 · 15/12/2017 20:21

I have just told his parents and leaving it at that. He is meant to be picking his stuff up tomorrow.

I actually had a suicide attempt. I didnt speak to anybody. Nobody suspected a thing. It wasnt due to anyone doing or saying anything to me. It was due to my mental health.
He has said this a number of times now and each time it has meant nothing and he has tried laughing it off saying he was just being stupid and to ignore him.
Obviously im more worried as i am not going back this time.
I just feel slightly angry because talk of suicide in itself was a huge trigger to my suicidal thoughts and he knew this.

Is it possible he is and has done this previously in order to trigger me?

Im a lot better now and no longer have the suicidal thoughts

OP posts:
SweetBerries · 15/12/2017 20:27

If he is a known liar and manipulator then it is possible but it’s more likely that he’s done it in order to guilt trip you into going back to him. Particularly if he says it rests on your decision. That’s something I NEVER did. I never said ‘take me back or I’m going to die’, I just said ‘I’ve had enough now’. Looking back I regret even saying that to him.

This is all assuming your ex doesn’t have any other mental health conditions that may predispose him to actual suicide attempts. If that is the case, the police should already be there to stop him, and section him if required. Just keep yourself at a safe distance. X

Offred · 15/12/2017 20:29

Yes, it is very likely.

No contact will massively help you.

notacooldad · 15/12/2017 20:41

I had this with an ex once.
It was an awful time because it wa me who chose to finish it.
Ex jumped on my car bonnet as I tried to drive away and kept phoning me at all times of night and day saying they couldn't live without me and that they were going to commit cuicide.
To my shame I shouted back and said 'well, fucking do it because I am fed up of having this hanging over me.'
Ex has been married for about 10 years and has 2 kids now.