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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you please help me cope with my alcoholic father over Christmas?

36 replies

MrsGrindah · 15/12/2017 17:44

First off, I know I can’t change him etc. But it’s more about ideas on how to cope. He is elderly and has health complications that mean he really shouldn’t drink at all. But restricting his intake is difficult and leads to nastiness. He’s a happy drunk in many ways but it’s still unpleasant...plus he can turn on a pin... or say things he thinks is funny but are deeply offensive.I’ve got different guests this year so completely on edge.Id love to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2017 17:51

You have a choice here to say no.

You should not have to manage him or cope with your alcoholic father at all let alone at Christmas time. Its not you alone who becomes affected by the alcoholic's presence; its everyone around them as well. Alcoholism is not known as the family disease for nothing. I would suggest you talk to Al-anon if you have not already done so as they are very helpful to people affected by problem drinkers. Trying to police his drinking in any way is a wasted effort and does not work.

Do not have him at yours this Christmas. Tell him his visit to you is now off due to he being both a drunkard and foul mouthed. He will ruin it for you and your family otherwise. How is it that you have ended up hosting him this year?. Is this because no-one else will put up with him?.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 15/12/2017 17:55

I want him with me. I love him it’s his alcoholism I hate. He would be on his own otherwise and I’m just not prepared to do that.Its not inevitable that he will end up foul mouthed...it’s just an ongoing possibility which makes me anxious.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 15/12/2017 17:58

I watch with interest. We have a relative who lives alone, he comes to us every year for Xmas and gets rip roaring drunk and often offensive around the children who are there. It’s just horrendous being on eggshells all day. I don’t know the answer, it’s just not an option for the family to leave him at home. I feel your pain x

krustykittens · 15/12/2017 17:58

As the child of an alchoholic, i am telling you now, you won't cope. They don't do boundaries, they only please themselves and they don't care enough about the upset they cause, or love you enough, to stop drinking. I am sorry to sound so negative but I battled this for years before I went NC. I tried to keep spirits out of the house as they seemed to make him worse, keep him fed, try to stop him drinking before 5pm, even tried to have separate Christmas's and just meet up afterwards but nothing worked. I got tired of being insulted and humiliated in front of my family, friends and neighbours and I gave up. It wasn't just Christmas that was ruined but any event .It just seems to feel worse at Christmas.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 15/12/2017 18:02

Maybe I just need to see it as it’s just a day..I don’t enjoy Christmas now anyway. I’m nearly 50 by the way so this isn’t new but I just feel particularly anxious about it this year..

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2017 18:04

Why do you want him with you?. Whats your pay off for having him with you at all. Think very carefully on that and examine your own reasons for wanting him there far more closely rather than simply stating that he would be on his own otherwise. You would not be the only one affected by making such a decision to have him there and with alcoholism anyway there are no guarantees. Co-dependency may be playing a role here in your decision and you may well be co-dependent. This often goes hand in hand with alcoholism.

If he ends up on his own that is his problem and not yours; you are still not responsible for him at the end of the day although you do seem very responsible for him. He has also never given you as his now adult daughter any consideration whatsoever. He has and continues to put alcohol first, his primary relationship is with alcohol and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

TheLongRider · 15/12/2017 18:11

I'm also the child and sibling of alcoholics and I agree that you don't host him.

You are prepared to let one drunk ruin everyone else's Christmas? So one person gets to dictate the mood in your house. You will be tense, your guests won't feel like guests if you're constantly managing your drunk father. It's not nice for everyone, including your Dad.

Everyone has a point when they say enough, I think this year it may be yours.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 15/12/2017 18:13

Thanks everyone but this isn’t what I asked for. I asked for help to cope on the day not advice about whether I should have him. That decision has already been taken .

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 15/12/2017 18:16

OP I think that everyone is saying there ISN’T a way of making this better in the day. Your dad is an alcoholic and short of locking him in a room to control his behaviour and language in front of friends and young children, your only other option is to say no.x

TheLongRider · 15/12/2017 18:19

But you can't "cope" with him.

It is not possible to be accountable and in charge of another person, particularly a drunk who is prioritising their drinking over other people's feelings.

You've already said that he says inappropriate stuff. Are you going to spend the day apologising for him? Are you going to hide the drink and accept him lashing out at you verbally? No-one you a medal and says well done. Everyone remembers the embarrassment.

If it's just one day then it doesn't matter if he's not there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2017 18:20

You could well regret your decision to host him if this is what you have decided and seemingly without consultation with anyone else.

There is and are no easy ways for you to cope with him on the day so that is why you have received no answers. You will simply end up enabling him which does him as well as you no favours either. Apart from this you will also be walking on eggshells around him which is another way of saying living in fear. Who is to say he won't already be drunk when he arrives at your home?. As I have stated already there are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

Wolfiefan · 15/12/2017 18:24

You can't invite him and expect him to leave the alcoholism at home.
Don't invite him.
Or invite him to a dry Christmas. Warn him it will be one and tell him you will turn him away if he turns up having been drinking.

gamerchick · 15/12/2017 18:27

There isn't a way you can cope with him OP other than warn your company first and give them the choice on whether they still want to come or not.

That's it.

Goldiehawnoverboard · 15/12/2017 18:29

I feel for you OP.

Can you find a way of explaining the situation to your guests before they come? If you're worried about him offending people they would hopefully be more forgiving? If not, could you perhaps hint that he has dementia/ isn't quite himself sometimes and blame it on that?

Alternatively water down or find a way to limit the amount of alcohol that's available to him? Have less in the house or select low alcohol alternatives. Or make it an alcohol free xmas day and explain to your guests in advance?

Or talk to him beforehand, explain your anxiety (we love you and it makes us sad that we don't always get to see your best side when you drink) and ask him to agree to one alcohol free day with you, for your sake?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this x

Fairylea · 15/12/2017 18:32

If you have him on the day then I wouldn’t have any alcohol at yours when he’s there. That’s what we do with my mum (to be honest we are completely tee total anyway so it’s a non issue, we just don’t have alcohol in our home). On the other hand you could just see it as one day and get through it and try hard to just let it go... easier said than done and depends what kind of alcoholic he is.

JaneEyre70 · 15/12/2017 18:33

Pre warn your other guests so that you're not on edge. And keep the alcohol to a bare minimum - even water it down if needs be. And I wouldn't have an issue saying "Dad I love you but I don't like your behaviour when you are drunk, it's Christmas day today - please make an effort". It's his behaviour at the end of the day and not yours, so other than trying to keep really calm about it, there's very little you can do. I am really sorry you're having to worry about this Flowers.

VeganIan · 15/12/2017 18:38

The only way I could cope with having my alcoholic parent in the house was if all our alcohol was locked away, so they were only able to drink what they had hidden and brought with them - and there was some cooperation so only a small handbag brought in and no access to car keys.

However this meant she'd arrive steaming drunk at 9.30am then get even nastier as she sobered up and was denied drink.

There's no easy was of managing it.

aliceinwanderland · 15/12/2017 18:44

I have been there OP. The best advice I can give is to be really really organised, So you have little to do on the day and can then deal with whatever happens. Arrange lunch as early as possible before and have somewhere he can sleep after lunch. And have a sanctuary for you where you can calm down if needed. And remember it is not you being difficult. You don't need to feel embarrassed by his behaviour. It's not a reflection on you.v

aliceinwanderland · 15/12/2017 18:44

Sorry should read ... before he gets really drunk...

danTDM · 15/12/2017 18:46

Sounds tough OP, my experience is different to everyone on here, I would say DO NOT deny him alcohol, if he is a true alcoholic he needs it anyway. Have it there, provide plenty of food, if he gets lairy suggest he takes a nap maybe?

I'm sorry, not much help. But, if you water down or limit an alcoholics drink or say it's a teetotal day that really won't work.

Just my opinion.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 15/12/2017 18:51

Thanks everyone. I should have made it clearer..it wasn’t just my decision I talked to DH and guests aware too. Some good ideas though about feeding him early, not denying him drinks but spacing them out.. I am going to talk tomorrow him too along the lines of “ we really want you to,be with us but you need to try to moderate your drinking”.

OP posts:
aliceinwanderland · 15/12/2017 18:57

I am not sure that a conversation now will be that effective if he is really dependent. Much for the reasons Dan gave. Focus on managing your emotions rather than his behaviour.

arousingcheer · 15/12/2017 19:09

I hope down the road you can find an Al Anon meeting and get some real help which will shed light on your codependent relationship with your father (eg trying to 'cope' with his unacceptable behaviour by adjusting his access to alcohol, for which you get abuse). It will have implications of its own in all areas of your life. I speak as the adult child of an alcoholic.

But in the meantime I hope Christmas catches him on a good day and maybe he can muster some temporary self-control. Flowers

SweetBerries · 15/12/2017 19:16

I feel for you OP. I really really do.

Obviously telling him an alcohol free day is the only option won’t work, as he either won’t turn up or will end up in withdrawal which would be even worse. I totally agree with having a chat with your guests, though possibly not your father as I suppose his judgement is likely to be impaired if he’s drinking so much and he may not absorb what you are telling him.

Agree with feeding him early, keeping him fed throughout the day and possibly watering down drinks, though he may notice. I think the most important thing is to inform guests beforehand so there isn’t an awkward explanation on the day.

I hope this helps and that you find the right way for you to get through this.

Rosa · 15/12/2017 19:21

It won't work do not try to kid yourself and I bet when you say moderate your drinking he will say yes of course and then do exactly as he wishes as it will be the drink . I would limit it totally or have none at all and then when he goes sit down with a huge glass. It will be less stressful for you as well and maybe you can enjoy the day

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