Can you please help me cope with my alcoholic father over Christmas?

[MrsGrindah]

First off, I know I can’t change him etc. But it’s more about ideas on how to cope. He is elderly and has health complications that mean he really shouldn’t drink at all. But restricting his intake is difficult and leads to nastiness. He’s a happy drunk in many ways but it’s still unpleasant...plus he can turn on a pin... or say things he thinks is funny but are deeply offensive.I’ve got different guests this year so completely on edge.Id love to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I sympathise with you OP - my father was an alcoholic too. My mother and I tried to get through the day and it was OK in the morning and until lunchtime when he had a drink. He usually slept in the afternoon but would invariably pick a fight in the evening so we never had Christmas Dinner all together. I know it is difficult but I suggest letting him indulge himself for a while, then trying to get food into him, and then distracting him with TV, games, Christmas cake, etc. Even after all this time (he died 15 years ago) I still wish I could have him back for Christmas - drinks and all.

Feeding him early, spacing his drinks out: he's an adult. You're going to make the whole Christmas revolve around him and that's going to spoil it for everyone.

The way you cope with him is to not pretend he's not a drunk. Don't turn a blind eye to his rudeness: call him out on it, every time. Don't ask anyone to accommodate his bad behaviour: name it as abuse, every time. Don't pretend he's not being awful. Acknowledge it. Don't help him to bed when he's so drunk he can't walk: leave him to sleep on the floor.

Yes, it's hard. But if you acknowledge and label his behaviours at least those around you won't be left feeling guilty or sad. They'll recognise it and know you don't blame them for anything he's doing.

Talking to him won't help. He will only get angry and blame you. Alcoholics don't accept they're in the wrong. Save yourself the bother.

Can you visit him earlier and take some food, or arrange he goes home early, after meal or if disorderly.
You are enabling him. Tough love, it's hard

“I am going to talk tomorrow him too along the lines of “ we really want you to be with us but you need to try to moderate your drinking”.”

Sorry to be blunt, but it won’t work. Please listen to everyone else on here. If you don’t want to ruin yours and everyone else's Christmas don’t invite him. It isn’t called tough love for nothing.

SIL’s husband is an alcoholic so I speak from experience. You can’t change him and you can’t cure him. Either accept that he is going to ruin everyone else’s Christmas (do you want this on your conscience?), give your guests the option of not attending because of him or just don’t entertain him. The choice is yours.

Above all don’t enable him.

MilkTray Thanks..I just can’t have it on my conscience to spend Christmas without him. Those are my values and I’m not asking people to agree with them, I just wanted to share my worries.

PS excellent name by the way...all time favourite chocolate!

Not an alcoholic, but when she got very old alcohol had a really bad effect on my Grandma. She liked whisky, so rather than give her a drink, my mum wiped whisky around the rim of the glass and gave her lemonade. She put fizzy water in the wine too. Grandma was none the wiser.
I don't know if this might be an idea for your dad, even just for the first couple of hours.

"MilkTray Thanks..I just can’t have it on my conscience to spend Christmas without him"

SIL felt like that for many years. As a result all of her children hate their father.

He is now in residential care as his alcoholism has destroyed so much of his liver that it manifests itself as extreme dementia.

By all means play host to your father, but warn your guests and don't be surprised if they leave early.

Basically, your father is not your responsibility.

It's not on your conscience. It's on his. He chooses to put his relationship with alcohol above all others.

"He chooses to put his relationship with alcohol above all others."

This ^^ multiplied.

You decide whether you want your father to ruin yours and your guests Christmas. It's up to you. Your father won't care where he is or who he is with if he is outside a bottle of alcohol.

I feel for you. I know that feeling where you feel you must accomodate the person. Everyone is right though, the only way is to not host him. I might add that if he hits rock bottom alone, he might even seek help for his issues.

OP, I would do the same as you -and have done. Christmas Day is not the time to try and confront his drinking. Also, it's not really in the spirit of Christmas to leave him on his own.