Is it usual to feel so lost?

[TaxiDancing]

Things have gone dramatically wrong with my ‘D’P (of 20 years) over the past 12 months, we’ve been past the point of no return for a while but, due to his actions, there is now social services involvement so I can’t drag my heels anymore and have to act decisively to protect my DS (and myself). I know this rationally. I also know what needs to be done on a practical level and have started contacting the right people to make the arrangements. But it’s like I’m in a daze and just going through the motions.

I feel so ashamed that I didn’t realise the risk he poses to us until the social worker started talking about a refuge and outlining why she feels it may be necessary.

I’m really struggling with is how unreal it all feels, like it’s not really happening to me. I keep forgetting, just for split seconds, then it all hits me again that I have no choice but to give up the home my DS loves and the life I thought we would have and I feel so utterly lost.

Is it normal to know that you’re doing the right thing but feel so uncertain and confused?

Police aware and have been fantastic, van with 2 removal men on way and we’re waiting around the corner...

I feel like I can hardly breathe!

Good woman, you can do it. I hope the removal is going OK. I am sending you support across the Irish Sea. I have been thinking about you all day.

I have been in your shoes and even now, 21 years later, I can still remember the feeling of getting into my new (tiny) home and knowing that EXH would never live there.

Myself and 2 babies were so happy. They are early 20's now and haven't a clue how tough it was. If they ever find themselves in a similar situation I will be able to help. It was awful but a great life lesson.

I hope you have had a cup of tea and a bite to eat. Your son is well looked after so don't worry. Take care and let me know how it goes x

I got out of an abusive relationship years ago with little more than the clothes on my back, at the time it felt like the end of the world but I learned that my stuff was just adhesive glueing me to him, with it gone, I was free to rebuild a new life & identity & that really helped to keep me going , good luck OP it will be worth it in the end

You are through the hardest part which is making a decision and telling people. Just take one day at a time now. I envy you. You are free to start again and build the kind of life you want. You are teaching your ds so much about consequences and boundaries I also admire you.

Sorry... only just caught up.. been busy at work all day. Well done!! It sounds like the hardest bit may be over. Are you ok? Was it bearable?

Hope everything is ok.

It didn’t go well, he locked me out and refused to let me in to get anything. Police came but said they couldn’t force him to allow me access. To say I was fuming is an understatement!

But... family and friends have been amazing and made sure we have the basics for now, so we’re now quite cosy in our own little flat and the peace is amazing! I can’t quite believe I’ve done it!!

I’ll have to get some advice about getting my possessions though.

Oh no.

Well on the plus side you are moved, settled and safe. People around you know the situation now and he obviously knows you are serious.

Hopefully things will improve as the dust settles.

to your new peaceful home.

Thanks Name, outweighing all of the current cons is a great big pro - a relaxed home!

And DS is dealing with the lack of “stuff” much better than expected too. I’m so bloody lucky to have him!

Glad you got out safe & well. Keep looking forwards

Well done! I am pleased to hear you and your DS are away from him. It seems extraordinary that the police would not facilitate access. When I left the police attended at my marital home so that I could get my belongings out.

Can you ring the police to see where you stand?

When I left the feeling of being in a relaxed home was so nice. It's early days and things will get better. Some days will feel lonely, overwhelming and frightening but you are already in a better place away from him.

You should feel very proud of yourself. You and your son will thrive whilst he wastes away. Don't feel sorry for him he brought all this on himself.

Keep in touch with Women's Aid, they are still there for women and children who have left. Ask them or your GP how to access counselling for yourself and your son. If your son is anything like mine was he might not be great at talking about his feelings.

I wish you well and I am delighted that you left him. I will be thinking about you both. Sleep well x

Thank you everyone, it has been a huge support to be able to come here and get my thoughts and fears out, knowing that there are others here who ‘get it’.

I know an officer in a different police force who disagrees with how the situation was handled, but what’s done is done I guess so I will be contacting my solicitor first thing on Tuesday to get the legal ball rolling. Tbh the big stuff isn’t what I’m bothered about, it’s all of my irreplaceable items with sentimental value that I am determined to get back. I even had to visit my GP to get my prescriptions replaced as he wouldn’t let me get a thing

I spoke with DS’s school on the last day of term and we are meeting on the first day back to discuss support for him and possible extensions to deadlines (he’s in exam year).

I had a thread on here in 2016 under another name which helped me see that he has always been highly abusive but I’d just not recognised it, so I will be looking into the freedom programme as well as counselling.

For now though DS and myself are looking forward to a relaxed NYE and a happy 2018

He really is a nasty piece of work.

You are doing great and typically making sure your son is protected. You are a wonderful mother.

Happy new year to you. I hope things go well. You should be very proud of yourself. You don't have to put up with him anymore.

Hopefully your post will give some people the encouragement they need to leave.

I know it's just not possible for some victims of domestic abuse to leave.

Women's Aid helped me and they are there for anyone who is in the position to make contact. When you get settled let us know how you are doing.

A very heartfelt Happy New Year to you. It is a lovely fresh start for you and a chance to draw a line in the sand and put some bad memories behind you. 🥂

A very Happy New Year to you too Name and Countdown.

I’m playing taxi for DS and his mates later, so here’s my cheers

New year, new start!

I got all of my stuff! Still a bit light on the furniture front, but seriously getting there.

However I’ve been so busy over the past couple of weeks that now I can finally just relax I just can’t seem to. I feel fidgety, a bit under the weather and down in the dumps, which is really frustrating - I should be elated that it’s all over and done with

Don't worry, there are always ups and downs, you have been through an enormous change.

I would highly recommend Mindfulness, I chanced upon a course near me once a week that really helped me learn all about it and get into a routine with it. You can get apps on phones or I have some downloads from the course. I don't find as much time for it as I should but when I do it really helps me to focus my mind, calm some of the noise and just generally feel more relaxed about thing. Might be worth a go?

... I need to take my own advice.. this week in your honour I will get back into it, I have a shitty few weeks ahead with my ExH and Court so I need to ground myself and regain some control.

Yes I've been in a similar state of mine for two years!!!!

State of mind**!

My mum is always suggesting mindfulness and similar things too, I guess it can’t hurt to try it!

Mum's know best! 😉