Is it usual to feel so lost?

[TaxiDancing]

Things have gone dramatically wrong with my ‘D’P (of 20 years) over the past 12 months, we’ve been past the point of no return for a while but, due to his actions, there is now social services involvement so I can’t drag my heels anymore and have to act decisively to protect my DS (and myself). I know this rationally. I also know what needs to be done on a practical level and have started contacting the right people to make the arrangements. But it’s like I’m in a daze and just going through the motions.

I feel so ashamed that I didn’t realise the risk he poses to us until the social worker started talking about a refuge and outlining why she feels it may be necessary.

I’m really struggling with is how unreal it all feels, like it’s not really happening to me. I keep forgetting, just for split seconds, then it all hits me again that I have no choice but to give up the home my DS loves and the life I thought we would have and I feel so utterly lost.

Is it normal to know that you’re doing the right thing but feel so uncertain and confused?

How are things this morning Taxi? Xx

Ok as can be, he finally fell asleep for the first time since Thurs night at about 5am this morning after a night of increasing crap. I barely slept again and he woke DS several times with his nonsense.

But I have the keys for our new flat now!

Had a good chat with DS this morning and he’s being wonderful about the upheaval to come. I’m so blooody lucky to have him!

Had a little cry after signing the tenancy this morning but trying to hold it together for now while I sort the essential moving admin.

Well done Taxi

Please keep us updated. When do you move? Does he know you're going? I'm really concerned he'll be violent when it comes to the point you're leaving. Have you told the police?

Sorry for all the q's!

Agree with springy, you need to get yourselves out secretly and safely, he is not going to like it.

Best of luck OP, keeping everything crossed for you. You are doing the right thing.

There’s just no way to get out secretly, he’s barely leaving the house.
So I’m getting what I can ready at the flat while not doing anything different at home, and when the time comes (soon) I’ll forewarn the local police as a precaution.

I’m weighing up options for actually moving stuff out - I’ll struggle on my own and certainly can’t manage things like furniture but am worried that (due to the nature of his current state) having a man along to help me will be sure to make the situation worse. Plus there’s no blokes I know well enough to feel comfortable putting in a potentially risky situation.

Having just said all of that, why is it I still keep feeling like I’m overreacting and making a mistake? I know I’m not, so why do I feel like I am?

And I’m struggling badly with feelings of guilt for what I’m doing to my son, he’s nearly an adult so I know he understands and he’s being incredibly stoic but still I can’t shake it.

This is so hard!

And thank you to everyone who has posted, I really do appreciate it and helps me feel less alone

Hard to advise you really when the details in your post are so scarce. I think just focus on the facts, Social Services think it is the best option so I guess it must be.

Of course it's hard to uproot your whole life. But you clearly can't go on like this so things should rapidly improve once you are out. Take one day at a time.

I know, I’m frustrating myself with the vagueness! There’s so much I could say but don't want to put anything too identifying.

I understand. I'm having an extra tough day today and am sitting here alone. I started to write a post to just feel that someone was there and cared, but too identifying so deleted it.

Keep looking forward.

Oh bless you, hope you’re OK.

I hope you're all ok

The last few days have been horrendous, nothing he says makes any sense but he believes it completely so he goes on and on about all of the things I’m supposed to have done and how abysmally I’m treating him. It’s the drugs, obviously, but he is in denial anyway and seemingly unaware that none of the things I’m accused of are true. We’ve been practically tiptoeing around the house trying to avoid him but he just follows me everywhere.

My plan was to move today but I just can’t cope on my own. We’ve snuck our clothes and a few kitchen things there today but I’m it’s like I’ve hit a brick wall and have no idea how to get the big stuff out.

So me and DS are going to my parents tonight instead and I’ll tell them everything. They know nothing so far, partly because I feel so ashamed, partly because I know how much my mum will worry and partly because he’s made vague threats (“just wait and see what happens”) that I’d better not tell anyone that this is his fault and ruin his reputation. I was hoping to move then tell them but I need help and a bloody big hug!

Hugs to you

Take every day at a time x

If he has been threatening to you, can you contact the police to make him get out of the house so you can remove your belongings? It’s obviously not safe for you to do that while he’s around.

Hope you are ok

Good luck Taxi I hope you are safely at your mums with your DS and she is being supportive.

Confused and everyone else who has been in similar situations, I wish you all a peaceful and joyous Christmas x

We’ve got stuff for a few days in the car and just setting out.

Will consider what to do when I’ve spoken to my family.

Thanks all. x

I think that is a great move. You just need to get out of that toxic situation. Please try everything you can go not go back. I smell freedom for you now. Here is to a much more relaxing Christmas for you

My parents are so fab.

Apparently they knew something wasn’t right but as we don’t live close by they weren’t sure what.

Turns out he’s tried to get my mum and sister on his side a while back by phoning them both to say I was cheating on him. Obviously neither believed him but it explains why he was so keen to stop me telling anyone the truth - he wants to look like the poor hard done by martyr

Anyway, me and DS are having a lovely family Christmas here and it’s such a relief. Just having it all out in the open is like a huge weight off my shoulders and I feel so much more positive.

Merry Christmas all

What a lovely Christmas update!!

And what a bastard!

Sleep easy tonight Op. You new future is in your hands. Have a lovely Christmas, you and your DS deserve it

Thanks Name we’ve had a great few days!

I’m trying to arrange van/removal men for tomorrow and my dad will go back home with me for support.

Not sure what to do about all the packing up etc though, I’m dreading trying to do it while XP is in the house making life difficult - I’m toying with the idea of asking him to be out but don’t know whether giving him the heads up will backfire.

Good job Your Dad is coming too. Good idea.

Does he have any idea that you are leaving him? Does he just think you have been away for a little while and are due home? Have you heard from him while you've been away?

God knows what he thinks about us being away, I text to let him know on the Saturday night but neither of us heard a word from him til Monday afternoon.

I did tell him that I would find somewhere ASAP and move out but I haven’t told him specifics, mainly because I’ve been too scared to but also because I haven’t been able to have a rational conversation with him due to the state he’s in. I don’t think he actually believed me though, he seems to just believe his own version of reality!

I’ve been advised to inform the police in advance so will do that first thing tomorrow.

I’m absolutely dreading it, but a little flicker of optimism in me is keen to get it done and dusted so that me and DS can finally relax.

Well done OP you are one courageous lady! I'm delighted you told your parents and have their support. Give WA a shout if you need advice, they know the answers.

I wish you and your DS the best. Your son sounds like a great boy. When you are confused and wondering if you are doing the right thing just think of the lessons you are teaching your son. One, that his mum will always look out for him and two, abuse should not be tolerated.

You are doing a great job. It might be tough for a bit but in a while you will realise what a great step you made and how courageous and capable you are.

Let us know how it goes.

Good luck today.

Women's Aid is a very good idea.

Yes to the police, and I guess not to take your DS with you if possible, best to tackle this one without him witnessing stuff.

Will be thinking of you. Focus on the task ahead and keep going. Good luck!

Thanks both.

DS is staying here with mum and sis, so that’s one thing less to worry about.

I don’t feel very courageous, I just feel sick. I want it to be this time tomorrow now!