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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have you learned about yourself while dating?

41 replies

Comedyshortsgamer · 14/12/2017 12:52

I have learned I am more of a emotional person than I thought I was.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 14/12/2017 14:59

That someon being “nice”, is not enough for me to want a second date

Knittingnoodles · 14/12/2017 16:08

Men are emotionally unstable, needy, insecure and jealous and I am doing much better being single and independent than I thought I was.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2017 16:11

That I don't want a 'full on' relationship.
I'm happy seeing someone 1-2 times a week and no more.
I like my own space
I never want to live with a man again
I really don't want to be in a fully committed relationship
I'm OK saying 'No thanks, I don't want to see you again'
The nice, good looking, sexy, funny, etc... Pool of men in my age group is very very very small indeed!

ravenmum · 14/12/2017 16:14

That people who act nice are not necessarily nice, and people who act naughty might actually turn out to be really nice after all.

AFistfulOfDolores · 14/12/2017 16:39

That there are relatively few available men (even unavailable men, as far as I can see) out there who are able to take full responsibility for their lives and their feelings; who have dealt with their mother issues enough not to regress as soon as the flare of passion has worn off; and who are able to deal with the fears that vulnerability and intimacy engender.

rumred · 14/12/2017 16:50

That patience is essential. That there is a needle in the haystack. But there's a hell of a lot of grotty hay.
That I can be happy single, only happy when coupled with someone compatible, not a 'youll do' person

QueenofWhatever · 14/12/2017 17:52

The more I am myself, the more people like me.

MidLifeCrisis2017 · 14/12/2017 18:15

Pretty much exactly what @hellsbellsmelons said.

I’d be happy with a weekend away/occasional cinema trip partner.

SnowGlitter · 14/12/2017 19:06

That my mum was right and that no one wants me.

That men do care what you look like when you're naked and the promise of sex isn't enough for them to over look your flaws. Not enough for long term anyway.

That it's not true that "confidence is sexy/attractive" and other things along those lines. Despite what the women of MN would have you believe.

I get that I come across incredibly negatively here but this is a recent mindset and the main things that I have learnt whilst dating.

AFistfulOfDolores · 14/12/2017 19:59

SnowGlitter - I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you're talking about your experience of internet dating, then all I'll say is that it's shallow, shallow, shallow.

With so many people to choose from, the most conventionally attractive people are the ones in high demand. It is an unrealistic, but unfortunately highly financially successful and popular, means of meeting people. No room for getting to know someone gradually, really; and no room for seeing the whole person in a more measured, true to life way.

I also wonder how many encounters you've had to have this experience mirrored to you. Is it one, or a couple, or many?

AFistfulOfDolores · 14/12/2017 20:02

Also, I want to add something that is perhaps the most important thing: If your mother said that to you, then you have internalised a particularly damaging, abusive statement. A sentence on how you see yourself and how you live your life.

When something so damaging enters us, we will tend to unconsciously pick circumstances and partners who reinforce this. In which case, we need to do some work to get ourselves out of it.

Maybe you can prove her, and yourself, wrong Flowers

ravenmum · 14/12/2017 20:11

What a horrible thing for a mum to say, SnowGlitter. Sounds like she is projecting her experience of other people finding her unpleasant onto you.

I feel a lot like hellsbells too.

Insomnibrat · 14/12/2017 20:14

I agree with SnowGlitter. Many men have an expectation of beauty standards in a potential partner when they can't achieve the equivalent within themselves.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 14/12/2017 20:18

That after having dated lots of men of all shapes, sizes and ages I have a type and I will stick to it.

That I don't care if I'm shallow, I'm just as visually stimulated as any man and I expect to fancy a bloke in order to have a second date. Just being able to hold a conversation and be "nice" is not enough; I have platonic male friends for that. There has to be a spark, and I no longer think "Oh, I'll give him a chance, he might grow on me".

That I'm probably more suited to relationships of under 2 years rather than striving for something long term. And that this is OK.

That if a man is a bit lazy in bed I should get rid ASAP because they never get better, even after a heart to heart.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 14/12/2017 20:23

Many men have an expectation of beauty standards in a potential partner when they can't achieve the equivalent within themselves

Oh yes, so many cheeky fuckers out there who expect to punch above their weight. They want the "perfect" woman yet look like shit are far from perfect looking themselves.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 14/12/2017 20:38

I agree with ALL the above comments Smile, especially AFistful's.

The exception, of course, being SnowGlitter's. Flowers

Tictactic · 14/12/2017 21:06

That I'm not ready and I also can't be arsed Grin

Pianobumseat · 14/12/2017 21:37

Good thread agree with a lot of the pp’s

Although looks wise I’m confident, I also learned I myself need to/want to “up my game” socially and professionally?

Ive been a happy hippy type for a lot of my life, but meeting and dating professional types made me inspired to start studying again, as otherwise the “gap” would be too big later on?

It’s like I don’t want to be that 46 year old woman who is “a cool character and scrubs up ok” but still temping in the service industry?

I learned how to get through OD (not taking too seriously, to meet asap, how to screen out the weirdos)

I learnt the experience of lots of nice dinner venues and coffee shops in my city GrinWine

I agree with the whole “wanting someone for a weekend” thinking.

What is interesting (from a feminist POV) is how a lot of guys actually really want A Proper Girlfriend asap so they can be lazy and stop making an effort and spend get her to do Wifework

I appreciate it’s a “biased sample” (the guys you see continually going the rounds on OD often have something wrong with them) but there are a lot of unpleasant, desperate, guys with issues.

Similar to an above poster, as I’m childfree by choice, I learned I don’t want to take on some dude who I’m not really into just to tick a box - that’s what platonic male friends are! I don’t need to talk myself into getting drunk and giving my vagina to someone I’m not attracted to physically

SnowGlitter · 15/12/2017 04:04

SnowGlitter - I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you're talking about your experience of internet dating, then all I'll say is that it's shallow, shallow, shallow.

Yes, I was. But I don't get the opportunity to date in real life. I meet a fair few men through work and hobbies, but none of them are interested Wink I don't do dating at all now.

ravenmum no, sadly, she had a lot of friends and was never short of RL offers after she and my dad split up. I think she just put an awful lot of stock in being attractive, in all ways, to men.

But it doesn't matter, that's just what I've learnt.

I have a couple of male friends, so I have male company if I need it.

Have to say, I like hellsbells position. That sounds ideal.

chatty1234 · 15/12/2017 07:33

That I'm stronger than I think.

That despite thinking I'd rather be alone it's nice to have someone in my life.

RickOShay · 15/12/2017 07:42

Snow glitter, sorry but it does matter. It’s important that you don’t think this about yourself. You are lovable and deserve to be loved.
Your mother was wrong sweetheart, and transferring her demons on to you, don’t take them, give them back.Flowers

ravenmum · 15/12/2017 07:53

think she just put an awful lot of stock in being attractive, in all ways, to men.
Ah, I see. Eugh, well obviously if it was a choice between that and no man, I'd take no man.

But like others are saying, that's your mum's hangup. You have your own life, don't let her spoil it for you.

SnowGlitter · 15/12/2017 08:11

Thanks, Raven but no one is interested anyway. I'm a long way from being in a position to reject anyone! She was someone who'd take any man in the end (part of the reason I am NC with her) but 37+ years of it is a lot of work to undo.

Anyway, I'd done an awful lot of work on myself and 'forgiving' her and being confident and comfortable in my own skin but my dating experience taught me that she was right after all.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 15/12/2017 08:30

That most men are emotionally retarded, overgrown children and not worth the effort. And that I will never live with one again.

ravenmum · 15/12/2017 08:45

It's a shame you have had that experience, SnowGlitter. I know what it is like to feel like you are worthless and no-one will ever want you. In my experience, though, feeling like that is likely to be a sign that you haven't got over your experiences, and might be a bit depressed. Hope that doesn't sound as if I am dismissing your view as "nonsense", might just be something to mull over.