What have you learned about yourself while dating?

[Comedyshortsgamer]

I have learned I am more of a emotional person than I thought I was.

SnowGlitter - I think if you are content in your belief, then, yes, why not feel that way? It's your life, and you have the freedom to live it the way you want - provided that's what you want.

If, however, that feeling of your mum being right creates a sense of inner tension, self-loathing, existential discomfort, then you have internalised her. It isn't you; it is a part of her in you, but it will feel like 'home'.

Often, though, we need to leave 'home' and build a new one for ourselves. It requires dismantling a lot, sometimes. It can be painful; sometimes we wonder why we started or whether it's worth it. Only you can decide that, yes, but you don't have to buy your mother's story about you, no matter how convincing it is, or how convinced you are. If there's a part of you that thinks, "Hey! Fuck that!" then follow where it takes you.

That I'm a really good friend, attractive apparently but not good enough to have a relationship with

Not really 'content', Dolores. More accepting I think. It's really heavy grief inside me, to be honest. I'm just trying to move on from it.

It would be fair to say there is a degree of existential discomfort...

I don't think I'm strong enough to think "Fuck that". It affects everything - my ability to meet people; make, build, sustain friendships; work... I don't have any resources, support or comfort so I can't risk opening that can of worms, tbh. The weight of it is suffocating at times.

I'm just keeping my head down and getting through it now.

SnowGlitter
I don't know if you do already but you really would benefit from counselling
I felt and still feel this way sometimes, but it really isn't the real truth about you.
But you have to train yourself to believe in yourself, which is bloody hard if you've never been given the tools.
You can learn them though

Thanks, rose. I'm not at the moment. I've had counselling on and off, of varying flavours since I was about 17. I've been told that I would benefit from long term exploratory psychotherapy to, essentially, take myself apart and put myself back together again.

But I'd be looking at £50 a week for that for, potentially, years. I can't afford that. I have 2 children and no reliable, ongoing support so can't risk the 'getting worse before it gets better', tbh. I've been warned it would be bad.

Anyway, I don't think this is really what the OP wanted when she started the thread. But it is what i've learnt from dating.

Yes I agree that you need to probably have in depth pychotherapy. When I went to mine she reduced it to 30 p/w as I simply couldn't afford it.
Worth thinking about, sorry that it's tough for you.
I do believe that if someone wants it, there will be someone out there for them and no one is really normal or perfect. Though I know that in itself is easy to say.

I have learnt that I need to not turn things into a fantasy, because then I am always let down. And I am also quite emotional and can be clingy and need a lot of reassurance.
Which probably doesn't make me a great prospect! Or at least hasn't so far,

I am a million times happier on my own. I can't be doing with the following:

• needy men
• men who can't cook / clean / generally be an independent adult
• fussy eaters
• men who's hobbies take over their lives
• men who are too scared to watch horror films
• snorers / duvet stealers

So basically, I'm far too cantankerous to be in an actual relationship!

Agree with hellsbellsmelons and MidLifeCrisis2017 specifically these bits:

I never want to live with a man again

and

I’d be happy with a weekend away/occasional cinema trip partner.

I assumed there would be a decent sized pool available, because this was my criteria and availabiliy. But nope they don't want this and I couldn't understand why. Reading this thread has been a lightbulb moment and @Pianobumseat very nicely worded sentence:

"a lot of guys actually really want A Proper Girlfriend asap so they can be lazy and stop making an effort and spend get her to do Wifework"

I was chatting to a man online and he described me as being bored and wasteful with £££ when I divulged that I've re-joined a gym and started going at 6am up to four times a week because, I want to look after my health and return to how I used to excercise when I was in my mid-20's.

After this comment, I deleted my profile and I've stopped investing time in OLD and looking for opportunities to meet a man. I'm focusing my energy on self-improvement and maintaining my existing friendships.

SnowGlitter and a hug x

Snow that feeling is not just one you can snap out of on your own, no. Ideally you would believe in yourself, but that takes help and time. In the meantime, however, do yourself a favour and at least try not to believe in your mother. Or in the distorted view you get through those depression goggles. That view is no more real than some people's delusions of how wonderful they are.

Back on thread, I've generally learned to be more open-minded, I think. My long-term husband was my first proper relationship, and before him I was extremely shy so had almost no real contact with any men. Then I was with him for 20 years. Now I'm back on the dating scene as a less shy adult, with zero pressure to actually have or keep a mate, I'm really enjoying trying things out.

It's been great getting confirmation that my ex's way was not The Only Way, and that some people actually like my way too. It's been lovely being with men who will make me a bloody cup of coffee of their own accord, without being asked, and without rolling their eyes. I've learned that I had very low expectations from my ex.

Hence my shaking my head when I hear people saying that all the best men are tied up in long-term relationships and only the weirdos are left. My ex and I were in one of those supposedly amazingly lovely long-term relationships but that didn't make him the catch of a lifetime. And I'm there too on those dating apps, and am not a weirdo, thank you very much.

Been on tinder and POF for ages; single for 7 years previously..had lots of dates last few months that taught me a lot! 1:guys do actually like / fancy me and I am enough 2: being shy and quiet gets you nowhere 3: it's ok to have a bad date! 4: I really think it's better to text / talk a lot first before meeting! 5: dick pics are a red flag!

Snow - I agree: psychotherapy really would be the thing. And, I agree: it gets worse before it gets better in that the very fabric that's holding things together now - dysfunctional as it is - would need to be unpicked.

However, as Worriedrose says, there are psychotherapists who would see you for a greatly reduced fee. In fact, there are training institutes that charge as little as £5 per session. I know - I trained at one.

My mother hated me. It has taken a long time to disentangle myself from her hatred, but I am very very different than I was (without essentially changing my personality, which feels paradoxical!).

To bring it back to the thread and come full-circle, what I have learned is that I have chosen men in the past who have reflected a lot of my parents' abuses and neglects, but I am making different decisions now. Sometimes it takes an oops! to get me back on track again, but, as you can see from my OP, I am no longer buying into some of the particularly unhealthy dynamics I learned from my family - and which seem all-too-pervasive in today's society.

my PP, not OP.

Yetanother... I agree with all yours except the talking/ texting a lot before. I think the sooner you meet the better. I've got on great with guys though texting and then meet and zero chemistry. So my new approach was meet soon than waste time in the long run.

That although there are all shapes, sizes and types on POF - some of them objectively attractive and eligible - I'm only really attracted to the people I've met through real life. I think it's because we each see each other as a real person not someone who might do to fill a gap in our lives.

I haven't actually been OD for years (although I did have a quick peek on okcupid) and I agree with the "meet in real life" thing.

I certainly didn't have an overly negative experience with it, I wasn't mobbed but I certainly wasn't short of vaguely eligible serious men.

but still I think that there is a lot of "bad karma" around it, plus a lot of damaged people - I mean we're all damaged to a certain extent, but I think that it's kind of amplified and intense because of the timeframe OD?

when i logged on again, there were a couple of guys I'd met (seriously angry ones - they had great jobs, ok looks etc, but there was something weird about them) who were STILL on there creating drama (but with fairly attractive profiles).

when I was in my 20's, both quite angsty/insensitive/egotistical and more emotionally volatile (more willing to accept drama/bad behaviour and more willing to "dole it out") it was "ok"?

As I've mellowed and become more sincere, confident, and "know myself and want a proper connection", I find the whole thing fairly unpleasant/insensitive?

Its kind of the same with meetup groups - a lot of people recommend them as a way of "connecting"

but I've learned that for the ones that require "not much effort and planning" (eg - "just turn up to a bar") you get the same level of reward?

Its the culture of instant gratification - if I'm not getting on with X, I can arrange a date with Y within thirty seconds!

Rather than maybe reflect on WHY I chose X, whether I missed red flags, whether I need to work on my "picker" and "intuition" more, whether this is actually contributing to my self-development or just a distraction? I get lonely, but that's the human experience.

I'd rather have a authentic interest/work direction and connect with those on the same path, rather than just "meet in a bar and judge on appearance"?

Eg I've been doing a certain sport for six months, and "just" thinking that someone there might be someone I'd like to know better (we've seen each other "operate" so its not just "trying to impress") But its taken SIX MONTHS.

Overall, that seems far more emotionally healthy than just "lining up three dates for the weekend" and then having the emotional anticlimax.