Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sil whispering in dh ear?

47 replies

Badwifey · 14/12/2017 11:10

My sil has never liked me very much. I honestly thought we got on quite well until myself and dh got engaged when it all changed. I won't go into too many details but she behaves like a child. She told dh not to marry me and didn't attend our wedding. We forgave her and moved on but She continued to act like a child and things came to a head last year and I haven't spoken to her since.
It had caused awful rows between me and dh as I feel he just excuses her behavior and never pulls her up on it. I feel that if he had pulled her up on her behavior with me earlier then it wouldn't have gone so far. Dh has always been non confrontational and avoids rows at all costs.
So anyway I am a sahp and we had always agreed I would stay home until our child goes to school which is another yr and half away. Dh has savings which we use from time to time but we have had a few additional expenses of late and the savings are taking a bit of a hammering. There is still a good chunk there though. Anyway dh has been messaging his sister a lot lately and he has done a u turn on two things that we had decided. He now basically has given me no choice but to return to work asap. This means our child having to go into a creche for over 40 hours a week.
I think he has been complaining to her of our additional expenses and she has told him to make me pay my own way. Obviously I have no proof as I didn't see the messages but am I being paranoid?
I'm beginning to feel like I can't deal with her like this for the rest of my life. I can't say anything to dh because he will deny he has told her anything.
I'm so fed up dealing with all this bull#hit.
I would really appreciate some advice.

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 14/12/2017 11:15

It’s kind of irrelevant whether he’s talking to her about it or not. You need to put your foot down and hold him to the agreement. Sounds annoying if she’s advising him but it’s pretty pathetic if he’s that easily lead and cares so little about you or his own child.

Animation86 · 14/12/2017 11:17

Simply weigh it up. Crèche for 40 hours or you. I think the answer is easy.

Pay your own way. You do ! You look after his child and keep the house. That’s plenty

Raisedbyguineapigs · 14/12/2017 11:20

I think you need to talk to your DH about exactly why he has changed his mind when you have savings. Maybe he is genuinely worried about money or doesn't realise how much 40 hours of childcare will cost. Otherwise the whole conversation will be you accusing him of moaning to his sister and him denying it instead of looking at your main issue. She has nothing to do with how you run your life.

Original poster

Badwifey · 14/12/2017 11:20

I don't mind him talking to her about what's going on but I'm pretty hurt that he could be taking her advice. I've already told him that our child will have to go in full time but he didn't seem shocked by it. I had hoped that given our history that he would understand that everything she says is out of hatred for me!

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 14/12/2017 11:24

You more than pay your way.

You had an agreement - it stands.

Tell him no. Not unless you start your FAMILY discussion about this all over again, from the start. And then still say no - you came to a joint decision, baby is here now, you do not agree with 40 hours a week childcare. And what's this 'his savings'? They're joint.

Finally, tell your DH that losing the respect and support of his own wife to keep his sister happy seems a very poor exchange, given that that sister disrespects him so much that she seems to think she can tell him what to do in his own family. Tell him if he wants to stay being baby brother being bossed around forever that's his decision, but you won't stay in a fake partnership with a mouse like that.

Original poster

Badwifey · 14/12/2017 11:42

Thanks fizzy... funny thing is she is actually his youngest sister!! It makes it even worse 😒 I just can't accuse him of taking her advice when I haven't seen the messages she has sent. I can only assume... It is the type of thing that she would do though. She has always expected everything to go her way on her terms. This is why we fell out.

OP posts:

tiptopteepe · 14/12/2017 11:46

If he wants you to go back to work full time after agreeing that you would stay at home then I think at the very least he should pay the childcare fees. Otherwise you are working when you did not want to in order to pay someone else to do the job that you had originally thought and agreed together that you would be doing.

BarbarianMum · 14/12/2017 11:50

I think just expecting to stick to an agreement made when your financial circumstances were different is ridiculous. You need to sit down and talk things through. Its not clear why your child would need full time childcare - what about part time work or evening work?

Is he willing to cover half the chikdcare costs? And to help more round the house /with childcare if you go back to work. This needs to be part of the discussion too.

Freshprincess · 14/12/2017 12:04

as you don't know what his SIL has said it's not really part of the discussion.

He has every right to be worried about money. Look into the cost of childcare, look into how much you could earn and see how it stacks up.

You can't just dismiss his concerns because you don't like you SIL and it may or may not be something she has suggested.

Original poster

Badwifey · 14/12/2017 12:05

He's only home at weekends at the minute. Works away. So if I go back to work then it's 40 hours min in a creche. Part time work is not worth doing as the price of childcare and dh using my credits mean I would make nothing and it's a pointless exercise. I would be working for the sake of working when I would much prefer to be the one to raise the child I carried and have spent almost everyday with since.

OP posts:

glenthebattleostrich · 14/12/2017 12:10

So he's expecting you to do everything you do now plus work full time while nothing changes for him. Hell no.

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 14/12/2017 12:12

Work out the finances and discuss with DH how much it would cost, how it would change what you both have to pay for, and how it would change how much house work you both have to do.

rumred · 14/12/2017 12:12

He's the problem not her. You need to work as a team on your family and its needs. Completely agree paying someone else to care for your kids so you can earn a bit of money is madness. People matter not money

restbiterepeat · 14/12/2017 12:13

If he's only home at the weekends I'd find a job where you can work Saturday and Sunday to reduce the childcare bill and reduce the hours in childcare by 16 hours. It may also might concentrate his mind when it may cause him some inconvenience

RidingWindhorses · 14/12/2017 12:37

Alternatively work weekends so that he can do the childcare and you don't have to pay for it.

IrianOfW · 14/12/2017 12:42

Ignore SIL - she isn't the issue here.

Is your DH being an arse or is he genuinely worried about money? If he is and there are grounds for concern I think you might need to compromise. I think staying at home full-time whilst your children are small is a lovely idea but it is quite a luxury for many people. Do you have any family close by who could care for your DC rather than use a nursery? CMs are usually less expensive than nurseries IMO. You might find it is feasible to work part-time if you tried either of those options.

VeganIan · 14/12/2017 12:48

Work out the financial cost of you going out to work.

Cost of nursery, cost of transport to work.
Cost of new clothes/lunches etc - because you can't work in jeans and you'll have to eat
Cost of cleaner - because who is going to clean if you are working 40 hours a week?
Cost of Tesco delivery saver pass - because when are you going to do food shopping?
Cost of signing up to emergency nanny service - because who is going to look after your DC when they are too ill for nursery and you have to work?

Count that against your wages.

Then tell your DH that you are more than happy to work at weekends, if it's truely a financial decision, which mitigates a lot of the above.

Taylor22 · 14/12/2017 12:52

Dh has always been non confrontational and avoids rows at all costs.

BS. He's happy enough to row with you.
He just doesn't care.

fia101 · 14/12/2017 12:55

If you do go back to work stop the cleaning, cooking and laundry - if he relies on you to do it now. Working full time means 50/50 everything.

NerdyBird · 14/12/2017 13:33

Yes, please remember he needs to pay towards the nursery costs too. If he's away in the week he needs to do family and house stuff at weekends. Is working away a long term thing? If so, you may well end up being the one who deals with all things like sickness, school admin, life admin and that would be quite hard.

Lemonnaise · 14/12/2017 13:53

He's only home at weekends at the minute. Works away. So if I go back to work then it's 40 hours min in a creche

Who the hell does he think he is? Seriously, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that in order for you to work(your choice), he needs to be at home more helping out. How bloody selfish of him to expect you to work full-time, run the house and do child-care during the week.

Original poster

Badwifey · 14/12/2017 13:53

It will probably be long term him working away. I do all of the life admin and the majority (About 90%) of the housework. I deal with all the planning, organising, illnesses etc.
He's already said reluctantly that he would have to do more than he does at home. I'm just getting so fed up with him not standing up for me. She has already called me some horrible names that I know of. So I can only imaging she's calling me a lazy bitch and telling him to stop handing over money and why should he deplete his savings to find my lifestyle etc. I'm so fed up dealing with all this family crap. I know there are two sides to every story but all I've ever done was stand up for myself and have some self respect and I've been treated like the worst thing he could have married. It's getting to the stage I feel like leaving if I'm honest.

OP posts:

Lemonnaise · 14/12/2017 13:56

It's getting to the stage I feel like leaving if I'm honest

Tell him that^.

He's already said reluctantly that he would have to do more than he does at home

How can he do more when he's not there? I would seriously lose it with this man. What's the story with the sister, does she have kids?

BabyOrSanta · 14/12/2017 13:58

It sounds as though he needs reminding who his "nuclear"/"primary" family is...
Just to be clear, that's you and his DC, not his sister.

Is it worth emailing him how you feel? Probably best to leave his sister out of it. I would try and explain that it's not "his" money, it's family money as what you do isn't "free". It has cost you in wages and in career progression. It's cost you in pension contributions.
Just try and tell him how you feel. She's had her say, you have yours and spell it out that your family (you, DP, DC) do it differently.

Munchyseeds · 14/12/2017 14:12

As others have said I don't see SiL as the issue...just ignore her and what you think she may be saying
What does he say when you point out to him that you will be working just to pay the childcare costs?...that effectively you are a single parent when he is working during the week? Just who would look after DC when They are ill?
Look for a weekend job if you want then he can step up and do a bit
Surely it is family money not 'his" money??

Flip

1 2