Sil whispering in dh ear?

[Badwifey]

My sil has never liked me very much. I honestly thought we got on quite well until myself and dh got engaged when it all changed. I won't go into too many details but she behaves like a child. She told dh not to marry me and didn't attend our wedding. We forgave her and moved on but She continued to act like a child and things came to a head last year and I haven't spoken to her since.
It had caused awful rows between me and dh as I feel he just excuses her behavior and never pulls her up on it. I feel that if he had pulled her up on her behavior with me earlier then it wouldn't have gone so far. Dh has always been non confrontational and avoids rows at all costs.
So anyway I am a sahp and we had always agreed I would stay home until our child goes to school which is another yr and half away. Dh has savings which we use from time to time but we have had a few additional expenses of late and the savings are taking a bit of a hammering. There is still a good chunk there though. Anyway dh has been messaging his sister a lot lately and he has done a u turn on two things that we had decided. He now basically has given me no choice but to return to work asap. This means our child having to go into a creche for over 40 hours a week.
I think he has been complaining to her of our additional expenses and she has told him to make me pay my own way. Obviously I have no proof as I didn't see the messages but am I being paranoid?
I'm beginning to feel like I can't deal with her like this for the rest of my life. I can't say anything to dh because he will deny he has told her anything.
I'm so fed up dealing with all this bull#hit.
I would really appreciate some advice.

What did he say exactly? How did this conversation start?

I agree that the SIL doesn't seem to be the problem in this scenario. She may be in others but this is on your DH.

Agree with the others. Your SIL may be a pita but ultimately your DH needs to decide what he thinks and discuss with you as an equal partner not give you no choice about going back to work (what happens if you refuse?).

The problem is DH not your SIL (if it wasn’t her it could be somebody else if your DH is that weak).

I'm someone who worked FT since DD was little, but I very firmly believe it's up to each family group to decide how things work best for them.

At the moment your DH gets his entire life facilitated by your work, and now he's starting to resent paying for it - when really all money should be put towards the family. However, it does seem a bit crazy to be using up savings if you could work.

How long until you'd get free childcare places? Could you look at trying for part time work around that?
Do you have a career that you can just go back to? Jobs don't conveniently drop into your lap - you have to work to find them.

I'd draw up a list of the time it takes to run the house, and the cost of paying other people to do it. e.g. childcare, cleaning, gardening, admin work etc. To truly cover everything you do, you'd need a full time housekeeper, a nanny, and part time gardener. Do you/he earn enough to cover that? Assuming no, then you need to look at ALL the work involved in running a house and divide things up between you, so that you both get time to relax and be with DD (and each other) at weekends.

If seeing it all in black and white doesn't make him see how full-on this will be, then he truly just doesn't care about you, so long as he's getting his cozy life provided at minimal cost. That is the main problem.

Have you sat down with him and costed everything up so he can see it makes no financial sense. Also list everything else you do and tell him it needs divying up and what would he like to take on.

If you feel like leaving him then he needs to hear that. Tell him that the only way you can change the long term plan and go back to work is if he is home during the week and he needs to sort that out first.

I would let him know the cost if full time childcare.

I would inform him thst you working full time...then being home with your child in.the evening without his support or presence will put a strain on you.

Now I'm not one in favour of being a SAHP for myself...but your situation is different. He isn't there during the week.

So it means you don't get a break from your DC 5 evenings a week. I suggest you factor in babysitting costs for 2 nights... so you can get out and have 'you' time.

I'm wondering what made her dislike you to the point she didn't attend your wedding though.

That's not normal....there must be more to it....for her to miss her brother's wedding.

If he's not there in the week, and you are managing alone there is no sane reason to put your child into a nursery for 40 hours. They won't have any time that way with either parent 5 days a week. Is that how you agreed to raise your child? Using savings to raise your family is perfectly acceptable - unless the additional expenses equate to reckless/unnecessary purchases of course.

Who does his sister think she is, this makes me furious I've been where you are OP, you should LTB like I did you'll be much happier.

I certainly wouldn’t go back to work full time if I had a husband working away and who had suddenly become unhappy with me.

If you work full time, he has to pay you much less maintenance than he would if you were a SAHM. Can you not join him and live where he works? I think he probably thinks you are swanning around because he doesn’t understand how hard it is to look after a child full time. If he saw daily life, he might be less inclined to listen to his sister.

Yours is a DH issue. His little sister is distracting you from his changing from your agreement.
For what it’s worth my DH came to realise he was an arse insisting that I return to paid work and if he had his time again wouldn’t.
I liked the get a weekend job idea. He might come to appreciate all you do.

If you work full time, he has to pay you much less maintenance than he would if you were a SAHM. Can you not join him and live where he works?

This is incorrect for child maintenance as that solely goes off the income of the NRP.
However as you are unemployed at the moment you may have a case for spousal maintenance.
If you're even considering separating I'd get actual advice from a professional.

Your DH is the problem. And the fact that you don't trust him (I don't blame you).

Tell him you'll go back to work, as soon as he changes jobs to one that is 9-5 and local, as otherwise its not feasible.

I did live where he works but it didn't work out for various reasons. One being I was very isolated. So I came home. It's why we have additional expenses at the minute plus a bit of bad luck. I study at the moment at home too so going back to work and studying is going to mean he has a lot of family responsibility to pick up stuff he probably doesn't even realise I do.

I don't think I want to leave. He's a good dad and I don't think either of us deserve to be part time parents.

To someone who asked... the worst I did was delete her as a friend on fb and say something when she arrived to our house a few hours late.

I think she has always thought that her brother could do much better.

He is less than a part time parent now if he's just there at the weekends. That's probably part of the problem- that he doesn't see any of the day to day drudge of childcare, but he's not getting the nice bits either. He probably thinks he's away from his family and you're swanning around playing on the swings all day, and his sister is just telling him what he wants to hear. He is still more the problem than her as he's prepared to listen to her over you and not even defend you or tell her to reign it in. His wife and child should be his priority.

When do you qualify for the 30 free hours childcare? Would that make part time work worth it?

I get 15 hours per week childcare I use the time to study for my degree currently and evenings are usually spent doing house stuff or studying again if I get time.

His sister is known for falling out with everyone. I was warned by another sister about this.

I'm going to sit down over xmas and detail everything that has to be done and what slack he will have to pick up when I do go back to work. I'm not actually against the idea of me going back to work but under no circumstances is my child going into full time day care.

Some good advice here about the worth of what you do, which he doesn't see.

I had a similar issue with my DP, his work wasn't going well (self employed) and got us into debt and he told me I had to go back to work 5 days a week.

I started looking at jobs and saying this one is an hour travel, can you do drop off or pick up. His job was so random, starting at 7am some days, sometimes working away he couldn't commit to regular drop off or pick up, I'd have to fund a job where I could do both. Then looking at nursery costs for two, commuting, I was working for nothing.

So I became a childminder and still had my child at home but the extra income. Is that something you could consider?

I would also suggest to him that if you are both working full time, he needs to get a job that is family friendly, as working away is too much pressure on you in the week.

Also
He now basically has given me no choice but to return to work asap

Since when was he the boss of you? I'd be pulling him up on that, as a partnership you make joint decisions that are the best for the family.

Why does he get to tell you what's happening?

Why don't you give him no choice that you remain a SAHP?

He's already a part time parent if he's only gone at weekends. What would change if you went back to work? How much better off would you be?

That sounds sensible OP, I also think the idea of working one day of the weekend both to reduce costs and to highlight to DH the challenge of child care is sensible.
Previously I always did the school runs and then went to work, my DH maintained it wasn't any extra work as he skipped out of the house by himself. We have changed our situation and he is now regularly doing morning school run. He announced last week that he was surprised at how much extra work it was. I would let your dh experience some of your work.

Thanks for all of the replies. I appreciate the advice given. I'll have a proper talk with him over the weekend and over Christmas when he is home.

Here:

www.ons.gov.uk/visualisations/dvc376/index.html

Unpaid work calculator, maybe he can show it to his sister? Shit like this really boils my piss. 😡

The only way of making work pay would be to work at weekends. See if he's happy with that. I think it's good as it'll give him an insight into what you do.