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Original poster

Overcoming fundamental differences in a relationship

44 replies

couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 10:50

Hi all,

Opinions / experiences please... I'm seeing this lovely guy that I met online. We've had 10 dates over 8 weeks. He's gorgeous, funny, clever, caring, interesting and we have some big ol' chemistry. Agreed we both like eachother a lot but need to move slowly as a) we're both getting divorced b) we've each got two children under 10 and c) we've got some basic major differences between us. By this I mean:

He's Polish (speaks good English) I'm British (don't speak Polish)
I'm vegan (not militant about it) he's obsessed with meat
He smokes, I don't
I'm financially stable, he's financially precarious but honest about it and seems to have a plan to pay back his debt.

He's an amazing person... creative, hilarious, interesting, interested, caring, honest, hard working, intelligent, hot Grin and is a doting hands-on father. I'm so into him and it appears to be mutual. We've agreed to be exclusive though stopped short of saying we're boyfriend/girlfriend. We text constantly. I'm taking each day as it comes at the moment, we haven't met any of eachother's friends as decided it's too soon so we're basically in this bubble. Have made some forward plans to February, he asked me to go to his hometown in Poland... I said yes Confused

I think I'm intimidated by his cultural heritage that I know very little about. And Polish is such a difficult language to learn. And being vegan... food is such a social currency, how could I ever integrate into his world? And he seems cleverer than me and sounds like he has an odd mix of very intelligent friends Confused The finances are an issue too; he had an addiction to trading in shares and lost money. Also and this is a gnarly one; the difference that I've got the luxury of a comfortable-ish middle class life while he's not a British native and lives in a deprived area. I couldn't care less about this by the way but it's just another difference in the mix.

My question is: have you ever overcome any big differences in a relationship? Wondering whether it's even possible to speculate on a future together...

OP posts:
Original poster
couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 11:20

Oh and I forgot... he's Catholic and I'm atheist though spiritual. Ugh are we screwed? Sad

OP posts:
Blackcatonthesofa · 14/12/2017 11:24

It doesn't sound like a problem to me tbh. It would be boring to date a clone. You just need to respect each others differences.

Lemonyknickers · 14/12/2017 11:29

Hard to say what you will cope with or hate over time! My DH and I are not good on paper, one 'friend' refused to come to our wedding as it was a waste of time.
17 years on we are still very happy. He has a strong faith, I have a strong non faith, I am socially awkward, he is the life and soul and a huge show off.
This early on I wouldn't write it off a relationship but they may become sticking points later on. (I got to really hate my ex's smoking big time!)

pudding21 · 14/12/2017 12:11

From what you said the differences are not that difficult to overcome, take it as a learning experience and help each other grow. I have just ended a great relationship because he refuses to communicate in anything other than a few words or emojis (hes 42). When we were together it was great, but I felt he had no real interest in me (and he admitted he was interested in someone else, we hadn't had the exclusivity chat, but we saw each other a lot). Sounds like you both do, so a great starting point. Enjoy!

mindutopia · 14/12/2017 12:41

I think some of those could be issues and some probably aren't, as long as you're open minded and flexible and willing to give it time.

My dh and I both speak English natively, but are from different countries with very different cultures. I'm also Jewish (and practicing, or at least was more when I met him) and he's atheist, not even remotely spiritual or interested in any sort of religious beliefs. I was a vegetarian when I met him and had been for about 20 years. He literally, I'm not kidding, had an allotment and raised pigs for meat as a hobby. I'm about as leftist progressive as you can get and when I met him he was fairly conservative, gun-owning, etc.

Actually, few of those things been an issue at all. Being together did mean one of us had to permanently move to another country and assimilate into a new culture, but actually that's been fine. Religion hasn't been an issue. I have my beliefs and practices and we celebrate Jewish holidays at home with our kids and cultural holidays like Christmas (even though he doesn't believe in the religion bit). We've grown more like each other actually in other ways. I'm no longer a vegetarian (that was more to do with having kids and just getting tired of cooking multiple meals as we didn't plan to raise them vegetarian) and he doesn't raise pigs anymore (we just don't have the space), but we might want to one day as we both eat meat now and it would be good to raise our own as humanely as possible. Turns out we both have the same views on gun control after all as he's pretty passionate about it, even though he keeps guns, and politically, he's done lots of reading and thinking about politics since he met me and is now about as leftist as I am!

I don't think most of those things matter too much as long as you are solidly in agreement about other things. I do think things like smoking and finances could be an issue for you though. I know I wouldn't ever date anyone who smoked as I wouldn't have it in my house (I truly don't have friends who smoke, I'm asthmatic and can't be around it, and won't have my kids around it, no one comes to my house and smokes, even outside, it's a total deal breaker). If it's a deal breaker for you too, then it could be an issue, depending on how seriously he would consider quitting. And I think you have to be on the same page in terms of finances or else it will cause some major strife. It could be though that he's made some bad choices in the past and has gotten himself together and things are different now. If not, it might make things tough.

Either way, it's still early days and no reason not to give it time. As long as you are compatible in other ways, personalities, values, life goals, parenting, etc. then there's no reason those things couldn't be overcome in time if you're both willing to make some sacrifices.

LesisMiserable · 14/12/2017 12:44

For me the smoking when I dont would be grim and the meat eating when you dont might be an issue, long term. Everything else I think is just what makes a person an individual

Offred · 14/12/2017 12:51

Doesn’t matter what the differences are.

In any relationship there are always differences, what is important is;

  • how significant are they?
  • do both people have respect for the other’s differences?

If they are very significant and there is a lack of respect then this makes you incompatible.

The trick is being really honest with yourself about the two questions above. If you feel like you should not see things as significant or should respect the differences then you are just setting yourself up for trouble.

Also, keep in mind that at the start of any relationship it takes time to get to know each other before you can adequately answer the second question.

IHeartDodo · 14/12/2017 12:58

Only religion and finance might be an issue...
Rest is fine if you can respect each other

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain · 14/12/2017 13:02

The only minor issue I see is the language, I would want to know a few basics at least.

I'm veggie DH is definitely not so doable (excuse the made up word). I also have some vegan friends who have been to Poland and got on great (obviously like anywhere some parts may be better than others but you should be ok).

Finances you say he's honest that's the key.
Just go with the flow for now and enjoy

Original poster
couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 13:41

Thanks for all these responses everybody. Mindutopia it was great to hear your story and fantastic that you have so successfully grown together. Nice to hear it's possible.

I appreciate the vote of confidence... we're certainly very respectful and honest about each other's differences so far. Supportive even... we're very similar in other ways, I might even say he's a sort of soul mate in some ways. But I wonder about whether some differences will become a sticking point for me in the future should we carry on. Only time will tell I guess...

OP posts:
Original poster
couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 13:44

Lemonyknickers - great to hear its possible too. Do you ever see the 'friend' 'knob' who didn't come to your wedding?!!

Pudding21 - sorry to hear about your relationship but sounds like you did a prudent thing in the circumstances. This guy does seem interested I have to say... and I'm especially watchful of that in particular as my exH couldn't have given a damn what I thought!

OP posts:
stickytoffeevodka · 14/12/2017 13:54

It depends on how big the issues are for you personally.

For me, I would never date a smoker. I think it's grim and the smell gets everywhere. I wouldn't want to live with a smoker or raise my children in a smoking household. So the easiest thing to do, is not date a smoker.

The food thing wouldn't bother me. I'm happy for people to eat whatever they fancy, it's not upto me to control their diet. The question for you is, would you be happy living with a meat eater who cooks meat in your home? What about if you want children? Would you raise them vegan or as meat-eaters?

I would also be wary of dating someone who wasn't financially stable. A big plus to me for my DP was the fact that he had no debt (aside from mortgage) was big on re-using/buying second hand, and the fact that he'd never owned a credit card. I wouldn't want to commit (rent/buy) with someone who had debts. It doesn't bother other people, though, so it depends on your mindset.

The religion, language and social background differences wouldn't bother me at all, but again it's all upto you. Are you just wanting or date or do you see yourself settling down? Would you happy for him to take your children to church/get them confirmed when you're not religious yourself, for example?

CR7987 · 14/12/2017 14:00

For me the smoking one and the financial one would be the deal breakers. Particularly the latter. Can you take his word after 10 weeks that he is going to do something about it? How bad is the debt?

I would tread carefully here, particularly where children are involved

Wisteriastreet · 14/12/2017 14:05

What will make or break you is if you are both looking in the same direction. If you are, then everything else will sort itself out.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/12/2017 14:08

Smoking and stupid financial risk taking would kill it for me.

storynanny · 14/12/2017 14:09

The smoking would be hard for me all the rest would be fine .
I need my partner to have similar moral/ right/wrong etc values to me especially with having children so that would be more important to me.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 14/12/2017 14:43

You will need to accept that being with him will mean putting up with a lifestyle you dont really want.

Don't think "well, if I can just sort his finances, get him to change the way he approches money. Then I'll work on stopping him smoking and as long as he doesn't bring meat into the house, he could eat it in restaurants when we go out, and maybe he can believe whatever he wants, just so long as he never talks about it or expects to use 'family time' to go church or tell my DC about religion...." because that way lies misery.

Only go into this thinking you can cope with changing yourself to accept the man he is, not trying to change him to fit the lifestyle you want to have. Or much better, find someone you could share a home with without needing to change multiple bits of his personality/lifest

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2017 18:55

The gambling on the stock marking and being a smoker would be a no from me, but everyone is different.

My DH loves cycling and I know a few people who've said they'd never date a cyclist!

Original poster
couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 20:00

Thanks again - great responses. Making me think a lot...

He's been trying to quit smoking for a while and he doesn't smoke around me, but obviously we've seen each other 10 times and if we saw each other more often it probably wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't tolerate him smoking around my girls. Don't know if he smokes around his boys actually, I'll ask.

He says he had an addiction to FOREX trading, he sought help and is nothing like he was. But it's no small sum, he owes £25,000 and he still trades shares but on a smaller scale as a hobby. He's just very interested in economics and politics but I can't work out if it's a red flag without getting to know him better and asking how the debt occurred although I know it was over a number of years.... we'll see.

OP posts:
Original poster
couchtospecialk · 14/12/2017 20:02

Invisiblekittenattack - wise words. We need to accept each other as we are and I should go into anything more serious knowing that this is who he is but make sure I protect myself and my girls. Thanks x

OP posts:
Ginny70 · 14/12/2017 20:07

25k is a red flag. No question.

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2017 20:12

25k and still gambling. Run for the hills!

BeastOfChristmasIsland · 14/12/2017 20:13

One of my most significant exes is Polish, we met when I was in my final year of uni and he was doing his PhD and were together for nearly 5 years. He spoke perfect English, I didn't speak any Polish (at the start, I picked up a bit over the course of the relationship) but the language/culture thing was never an issue. Even in Poland with his family we managed fine, I learned a few phrases and he interpreted for me, his family were lovely and very welcoming. I think for me the smoking, finances and religion would be sticking points, but just wanted to give my experience of the language/culture thing.

Offred · 14/12/2017 20:14

Addiction+£25k debt+precarious+still doing it = Bad.

All the rest is just individual differences.

Offred · 14/12/2017 20:18

Really why would you believe ‘I’m an addict but I can manage it, I’ve got it under control, a little bit here and there as a hobby is not a problem’ from an addict?